Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: crown jewel, wrestling, wwe

WWE Crown Jewel: Full Card, Start Time, How to Watch, and More

Published Tue, 19 Oct 2021 10:38:10 -0500

With the final episode of WWE Raw and WWE Smackdown before Crown Jewel in the record books, WWE has finalized the full card for the event in Saudi Arabia. Well, unless Vince McMahon decides to change it all at the last minute. Haw haw haw haw!

Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, and as a brutal despot who rules my country with an iron fist, I have to give respect to Saudi Arabia. Game recognizes game. And also, I am here to tell you all about the lineup for WWE Crown Jewel.

In the biggest match of the show, ratings loser Roman Reigns will defend his WWE Universal Championship against Brock Lesnar. It's a matchup that could, and has, taken place at WrestleMania, but the government of Saudi Arabia is not paying WWE tens of millions of dollars to put on WrestleMania, are they? No, they aren't comrades. Surrounding this match is drama over whose side Paul Heyman is really on: his former boss, Lesnar, or his new boss, Reigns? If I know Heyman — and I have had my fair share of my own spineless toadies, comrades — then it will be the side of whoever emerges victorious at the event. Haw haw haw haw haw!

Another major match will be a triple threat match with Becky Lynch defending the Smackdown Women's Championship against Bianca Belair and Sasha Banks. Not only will this match decide the fate of the championship, but it will also provide WWE with an important opportunity to claim that their partnership with a totalitarian regime is somehow a catalyst for social progress because the government is allowing women to participate in a fake fight. But if it's anything like Smackdown this week, the match will last a maximum of three minutes.

Edge will take on Seth Rollins inside Hell in a Cell at Crown Jewel. Edge is a little upset because Rollins broke into his house and stole his apples. Edge is very proud of his apples and he's not about to have another wrestler just eat them without asking. Also, Edge was concerned about the safety of his family.

Bobby Lashley will face Bill Goldberg in a no holds barred match. The Goldberg match will fulfill the annual tradition of the former WCW star nearly dying or causing the death of his opponent by competing in the desert heat despite clearly being two decades past his prime and not belonging anywhere near a wrestling ring. The match is also in service of getting Goldberg's teenage son over with a wrestling crowd, supporting another principle on which both WWE and the Saudi Arabian royal family are aligned: nepotism.

In a battle for the WWE Championship, Drew McIntyre will challenge champion Big E in Saudi Arabia. The match will mark the first time a Scotsman wielding a massive claymore came to the region looking for a fight since the Crusades. McIntyre is hoping to have better luck this time around.

Additionally, AJ Styles and Omos will challenge RKBro for the Raw Tag Team Championships. The match serves a dual purpose, as not only does it add another championship bout to the card, but also, if the government tries to detain the roster from returning to the United States because Vince McMahon cuts the TV feed over a monetary dispute again, Vince can tell them about the weed Riddle snuck into the country and flee while they're distracted giving Riddle the death penalty. Haw haw haw haw! It's exactly what I would do! Every good leader needs a good patsy!

In the finals of the King of the Ring tournament, Finn Balor will face Xavier Woods. In the Queen's Crown tournament, Doudrop will face Zelina Vega. I'll leave it to you guess which match will be over in under three minutes, comrades. Haw haw haw haw!

Finally, former partners Mansoor and Mustafa Ali will face off in a match worthy of any pre-show.

Crown Jewel will stream on Peacock in the United States and on the WWE Network elsewhere starting at Noon Eastern on October 21st. Until next time, comrades: socialism or death!

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