WWE Raw 7/27/20 Report Part 1: Hide Your Kairi Sanes! Nia Jax is Back!

Who's excited for a Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew Mcintyre rematch? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? It's time for WWE Monday Night Raw, three hours of all of our lives we'll never get back.

The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.
The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.

WWE Monday Night Raw 7/27/20 Part 1

Michael Cole Jr. welcomes us to Monday Night Raw. Asuka faces Sasha Banks tonight for the Raw Women's Championship. The Viking Raiders will face Ricochet and Cedric Alexander and Angel Garza and Andrade in a triple threat. And then there's that Ziggler/McIntyre match. Yay!

But Raw opens with Randy Orton sauntering to the ring, fresh off his shocking victory over The Big Show. What will the Legend Killer do this week? We'll find out after a video recap of last week's match. Okay, six minutes down, two hours and fifty-four to go. Rand Orton says he's been in WWE for twenty years and runs down all of his nicknames and accolades. He was the youngest champ in history. He's had twelve title runs. He's been a member a bunch of stables. Orton says his resume is way better than that of Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock (well, unless you count the most important thing in wrestling, drawing power).

Orton still feels something is missing though. And when he woke up this morning, he figured out what it is. He wants to be WWE Champion again. So he needs to deal with Drew McIntyre, another person whose resume is much shorter than Orton's. Orton brings up McIntyre being fired ten years ago, but admits he fought his way back into a WWE ring. McIntyre has Orton's respect for beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Randy still holding a grudge over that hardway match.

But Drew has a problem, and that problem is that Drew has what Randy wants. And Randy takes things from people that he wants to take in the biggest way possible. So he wants a world championship match at SummerSlam. And when he RKOs Drew and takes his title, Drew will never see it coming. (Um… he just told him about it though.)

Orton leaves the ring, and Nia Jax comes out. Oh no! Where is Kairi Sane! Tell her to leave the arena now!

The announcers talk about Jax injuring Charlotte Flair and taking her out of action (she's actually getting boob implant surgery). Nia knows how Randy Orton feels. She also woke up this morning wanting to be champion. The last time she had a chance at the belt against Asuka, she was screwed, and then Charlotte Flair cut in line before her rightful rematch. Nia points out that Charlotte's not been seen since.

Nia knows Sasha Banks and Asuka are already fighting tonight, but… oh, Shayna Baszler is coming out now. Baszler says nobody gives a damn what Nia wants (true) Nia decks her and tosses her across the ring. Baszler fights back, fighting to save herself from injury. Referees come out to separate them. Raw goes to commercials.

WWE pimps The Bellas' YouTube channel, which just surpassed three million subscribers. The Street Profits are in the ring. They introduce the next match, which will decide their opponents for SummerSlam. They're going to handle the ring announcements. They say if Thor had the Viking Raiders in Wakanda when Thanos invaded, he never would have made half the people in the world disappear. The Viking Raiders come out. They say that Ricochet and Cedric Alexander always bring weed to the shows. Those guys come out. Then they refer to Angel Garza and Andrade as a telenovela and tell Garza that Charly Caruso wants to have sex with Ivar. They come to the ring now with Zelina Vega. Andrade and Garza attack their opponents and take the ring. Garza takes his pants off and tosses them at the Street Profits. Raw goes to commercials again.

Angel Garza and Andrade vs. Viking Raiders vs. Ricochet and Cedric Alexander

Okay, it's 8:26, and finally, the first match of the night has started. You'd think you were reading a Marvel comic book with how much this show is decompressed. Ivar tussles with Cedric Alexander, then Ricochet. Then Garza gets tagged in and ends up fighting Ricochet and Elxender for a while while the Viking Raiders beat up Andrade outside the ring. If it weren't so boring, I would think this was an AEW match with how little anyone cares about tag team rules here. I get that it's a Triple Threat, but at the beginning, there were just two men in the ring, so what happened here?

Andrade and Ricochet decide to team up against Ivar for some reason. But that alliance turns sour when Andrade breaks up a Ricochet pin attempt. Andrade takes out Ricochet and Ivar just comes in the ring and starts whooping ass on Andrade. Who is legal in this match? Garza gets in and takes out Ivar. Erik takes out Garza. Raw goes to commercials. Five Dollar Footlongs are back at Subway. Did you know that?

Back from break and Andrade and Garza are beating up Ivar at ringside. They toss him into a barricade. Then they do the same to Alexander. Garza hits running knees on Erik in the ring and tries a pin for a two-count. Now, all of a sudden, everyone is back in their corners and tagging again. What te hell? Ricochet tags in and hits some high-flying moves on Garza. He gets a two-count off a standing moonsault. Alexander tags in and takes out Garza and Andrade, but now Ivar comes in. Andrade takes him out, and then gets taken out by Erik. This match makes absolutely no sense. Time for everyone to stand outside the ring so Ivar can hit a move on them off the top rope.

Garza brings Ricochet in the ring and hits the Wing Clipper, getting the pinfall. What a mess of a match. I can deal with disregard of the rules, but you gotta at least make it interesting. This was anything but that. Andrade and Garza attack the Street Profits after the match.

Winner: Angel Garza and Andrade (who need a tag team name)

Nia Jax berates referee John Cone backstage as Raw goes to commercials. Did you know Schick HydroSilk gives us the smooth save we all deserve? Well it does.

You know, since WWE is taping all this stuff anyway, they really ought to work with their advertising partners more. Have one of these matches that continues through a commercial break all of a sudden break out in the middle of one of the commercials. Nia Jax comes out to the ring for a match with Shayna Baszler.  This match isn't officially for a SummerSlam spot, but technically, if Jax injures all the other women on the roster, WWE will have no choice but to let her main event against Asuka.

Nia Jax vs. Shayna Baszler

Bazler and Jax go at it as soon as Baszler gets out there. Jax dumps Baszler outside and they brawl at ringside. The ref counts them both out, but they continue to brawl. Security comes out and Jax and Baszler take them out. In the ring, Jax shoves one of the "security guards" into Baszler, knocking her outside, then she rips his shirt off and tosses him out of the ring too. Baszler tries to climb back up and gets knocked down again. Nia Jax's music plays.

Winner: Nobody

Tom Phillips plays us a video about the Eye for an Eye match at Extreme Rules. Backstage, Seth Rollins asks Buddy Murphy if he's with him. Murphy asks if Seth thinks Dominik Mysterio will really show up tonight. Seth says he will because people like him can't get out of their own way. Rollins says the Greater Good will move forward and tonight will be different. Raw goes to commercials. Every day is sweet when Dairy Queen is serving you Blizzard treats, you know.

Mark Henry talks to Ruby Riott and Bianca Belair backstage. Oh my god! All that MVP stuff was a swerve! Mark Henry is making a new Nation of Domination with Ruby Riott and Bianca Belair! Look for it on all your favorite dirt sheets tomorrow morning.

Seth Rollins comes to the ring with Buddy Murphy to cut an overly long and boring promo. At Extreme Rules he defeated Rey Mysterio. Last week, he defeated Aleister Black. Rollins is on a roll and should be in a great mood, but he isn't, because Dominik Mysterio is here tonight to confront him. It seems to be a recurring theme. Every time the Greater Good takes two steps forward, someone stands in his way and they have to take a step back. And someone always has to get hurt in the process. Rollins says Aleister Black is out now.

But Rollins doesn't want to be a person who hurts people (tell that to Sting). The last time Dominik came out he jumped Rollins. Butt Rollins doesn't want there to be violence tonight. He has a soft spot for Mysterios. He invites Dominik to come to the ring and confront home face to face and man to man. Dominic comes to the top of the stage. Rollins coaxes him to the ring. And we'd like to coax you to visit part two of our WWE Monday Night Raw report to find out what happens.

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Jude TerrorAbout Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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