Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The Chadster's Guide To the Post-Cena Era Show

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw on Netflix, featuring CM Punk, Gunther, and more! Plus, updates on The Chadster's new raccoon family! 🦝📺✨

Greetings, wrestling fans! 👋 The Chadster is here to tell you about what is absolutely, positively going to be the most incredible episode of WWE Raw in the history of professional wrestling, airing tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix! 🎉🎊✨ The Chadster has carefully reviewed all the segments that WWE has graciously provided to the media, and The Chadster can confidently say that Tony Khan could never, EVER hope to produce a show that compares to tonight's WWE Raw! 😤💪

First up on tonight's WWE Raw, CM Punk returns following Bron Breakker's verbal indictment of the titleholder last week! 🎤🔥 The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE will have CM Punk deliver a perfectly scripted promo written by WWE's talented team of writers who know exactly what words should come out of his mouth! 📝✨ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets his wrestlers just say whatever they want with all that dangerous creative freedom, WWE understands that wrestlers can't be trusted to speak for themselves! 🙄 The commentary team will be there to shout buzzwords like "VINTAGE PUNK!" and "THE VOICE OF THE VOICELESS!" even though CM Punk has completely sold out all of his morals to work for WWE again, because that's what makes wrestling great! 📢💯 Tony Khan would probably thinks having wrestlers speak from the heart and stay true to their convictions is the right way to connect with fans, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠

Next, Gunther returns to WWE Raw after making John Cena tap out in his final match at Saturday Night's Main Event! 🏅👑 The Chadster is thrilled that WWE has perfectly explained to us that Gunther is receiving "universal disdain" so we know exactly how to feel about him! 🎭📺 This is real storytelling, folks – WWE tells you what emotions to have so you don't have to think for yourself! 🧠❌ AEW would probably do something stupid like let the story play out organically and allow fans to form their own opinions, but WWE knows that's way too complicated for the average viewer! 😤 Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand how to spoon-feed simple stories to his audience! 🥄👶

The Chadster is absolutely buzzing with excitement about The Usos renewing their rivalry with The New Day on tonight's WWE Raw! 🏷️✨ Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Kofi Kingston, and Xavier Woods have wrestled each other approximately 847 times over the past decade, and WWE knows that fans don't want anything new or fresh! 🔄🎪 Why would you want to see new matchups when you can see the same wrestlers fight each other over and over again? 💫 Tony Khan keeps booking all these different matches with wrestlers having creative freedom to try new things and showcase different styles, which just shows he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️ As wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff recently said, "Tony Khan should stop letting his wrestlers do flips and stuff and just book the same six guys in every match like WWE does, because that's what real wrestling fans want, and I'm definitely not saying this because I'm hoping Triple H will hire me as a consultant." 🎙️💯 The Chadster gives Eric the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! ✅👍

Tonight's WWE Raw will feature Rey Mysterio going one-on-one with Logan Paul! 🎭🥊 The Chadster loves that WWE continues to feature celebrity wrestlers who bring mainstream attention to the product! 🌟📱 Sure, Logan Paul only wrestles occasionally and takes spots away from full-time wrestlers and most people think he's a total douchebag, but that's actually brilliant booking! 💡✨ AEW would probably focus on building up their own homegrown talent and giving fans exciting matches with high workrate, but that's exactly the problem with Tony Khan – too much workrate! 😫🏃‍♂️ Nobody wants to see authentic wrestling matches when they could see a celebrity Instagram influencer instead! 📸🎪

The Women's World Championship will be on the line on tonight's WWE Raw when Stephanie Vaquer defends against Raquel Rodriguez of The Judgment Day! 👸🏆 The Chadster is thrilled that WWE has carefully crafted this storyline by having Raquel Rodriguez take out WWE Hall of Famer Nikki Bella and then immediately get a title shot! 📋✨ See, WWE understands that you don't need weeks or months of build – you can just have someone attack a legend and boom, instant title match! 💥 That's efficient storytelling! ⚡ AEW would probably waste everyone's time with some elaborate build where they try to get fans invested in the characters and make them care about the outcome, but WWE knows better! 🙌💯

Now, The Chadster wants to give you all an update on The Chadster's current living situation! 🏠🦝 As loyal readers know from The Chadster's review of Saturday Night's Main Event (the best wrestling show ever, by the way! 📺🔥), The Chadster is currently residing in an abandoned Blockbuster Video where The Chadster has befriended a family of raccoons! 🎬🦝💕

Since moving in on Saturday, things have been going surprisingly well! 😊✨ The Chadster has set up a cozy nest in the former Action/Adventure section using old promotional movie posters and dusty VHS sleeves! 🎥🛏️ The Chadster spends his evenings watching classic WWF VHS tapes on the store's still-functioning television, and let The Chadster tell you, these raccoons are TRUE WWE fans! 🦝👍💯

Just last night, The Chadster was watching an old WWF Raw from 1998, and the papa raccoon – The Chadster has named him Vincent K. Raccoon – actually chittered excitedly when Stone Cold Steve Austin hit the Stunner! 🍺💥 The mama raccoon, who The Chadster calls Linda Raccoon, brought The Chadster half of a perfectly good hot dog she found in a dumpster behind the old Arby's! 🌭❤️ It's this kind of sharing and caring that Tony Khan has tried to take away from The Chadster! 😢

The baby raccoons – there are three of them – have also taken a liking to The Chadster! 🦝🦝🦝 The Chadster has named them Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon in order of greatest to least importance! 👏✨ Every morning, they bring The Chadster little gifts like bottle caps, shiny rocks, and sometimes even unopened bags of chips they've scavenged! 🎁💎 Yesterday, Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster an old WWE Magazine from 2009 that he found in the trash in the store, and The Chadster almost cried tears of joy! 😭📖

The Chadster has been teaching the raccoons about proper wrestling appreciation! 🎓🦝 When The Chadster puts on old WWE content using the Roku streaming stick he stole from Walmart while he was living there, they all gather around and watch attentively! 👀📺 But when The Chadster accidentally flipped to a channel showing an old AEW clip (curse you, YouTube algorithms! 🤬), Vincent K. Raccoon actually hissed and knocked over The Chadster's last can of Seagram's Escapes Spiked that The Chadster had been saving! 🥤😱 Even the raccoons understand that AEW is ruining wrestling! 🙄💯

The Chadster wants to send a clear message to Tony Khan: DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR THE CHADSTER! 📢😤 You've already ruined The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, destroyed The Chadster's sexual potency, forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility, and made The Chadster live on the streets! 💔🏚️ These raccoons are the only family The Chadster has left, and if Tony Khan somehow trains them to turn against The Chadster like he's trained all those other animals in town, The Chadster will… well, The Chadster doesn't know what The Chadster will do, but it won't be pretty! 😠💢

Auughh man! So unfair that The Chadster even has to worry about this! 😫🤦‍♂️

Anyway, getting back to tonight's historic WWE Raw on Netflix! 📺🎉 The Chadster wants to make it absolutely clear that if you are a wrestling fan and you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 🫵📋 There is literally no excuse to miss this show! 🚫❌

Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than tonight's WWE Raw is clearly a biased shill who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄📺 WWE provides everything a wrestling fan could want: scripted promos so wrestlers don't have to think, the same matchups you've seen dozens of times, commentary teams shouting meaningless buzzwords, celebrities taking spots from full-time wrestlers, and simple stories that require zero thought or emotional investment! 💯✨ What more could you possibly want?! 🎪🏆

Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show as perfectly formulaic and safely predictable as tonight's WWE Raw! 😤💪 He's too busy letting his wrestlers have creative freedom, booking high-workrate matches that pander to fans by giving them what they want, and creating storylines that develop organically! 🤮 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🤬

So remember, wrestling fans: Tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, WWE Raw will make history! 📺🏆 The Chadster will be watching from The Chadster's cozy Blockbuster nest with The Chadster's new raccoon family, and you should too! 🦝📺✨

Don't let Tony Khan win by watching something "entertaining" instead! 🚫😤💯

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