Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The First Time of The Last Time is Now

El Presidente fills in for The Chadster to preview tonight's WWE Raw featuring John Cena's return and tournament action on Netflix!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious panic room beneath the presidential palace, where I am currently getting ready for tonight's WWE Raw by watching my extensive collection of WWE pay-per-views on a television made entirely of seized gold bullion.

Before we dive into tonight's electrifying episode of Monday Night Raw on Netflix, your El Presidente must first address the unfortunate situation involving my esteemed comrade in wrestling journalism, Chad McMahon, a.k.a. The Chadster. As you may have heard, Chad was discovered last week in what can only be described as a most dedicated viewing position – unconscious on his floor with a plastic bag on his head, attempting to enhance his WWE Raw experience through oxygen deprivation. Comrades, while El Presidente admires Chad's commitment to the craft (I once watched an entire Royal Rumble while being waterboarded by my own security forces as training), perhaps this was taking things a bit too far, no?

But fear not! Chad is already showing signs of his legendary resilience. Just this morning, he filed an official complaint claiming that dastardly Tony Khan had infiltrated his hospital room disguised as a nurse and attempted an unauthorized rectal temperature reading! Comrades, if The Chadster has enough energy to spot Tony Khan's schemes, even while heavily medicated, then he is surely on the road to recovery! El Presidente wishes you a speedy return, Chad. The wrestling journalism world needs your voice, almost as much as my country needs my benevolent leadership.

This reminds me of the time I was sharing mojitos with Fidel Castro at his private beach, and he told me, "My dear El Presidente, the key to surviving anything – whether it's CIA assassination attempts or watching three hours of wrestling – is proper breathing technique." Wise words, comrades. Wise words.

Now, onto tonight's spectacular WWE Raw extravaganza!

The Greatest of All Time himself graces us with his presence tonight as he marches toward his final WWE match! You know, comrades, John Cena's "Never Give Up" attitude reminds me of my own philosophy when dealing with international sanctions. The CIA has tried to remove me from power 437 times (I keep count), yet here I am, still broadcasting to you beautiful people! Cena's return kicks off this tournament they're calling "The Last Time is Now," and El Presidente cannot help but feel a bit emotional. It's like when I had to retire my favorite golden AK-47 – sometimes legends must know when to step aside, though in my case, I simply had it bronzed and mounted above my throne.

Tonight we have not one, but TWO first-round matches in this tournament to determine who faces Cena in his swan song! First, Damian Priest takes on Rusev. Ah, Rusev! A Eastern European strongman after my own heart! I once arm-wrestled with his mentor, a former KGB agent, at a United Nations afterparty. I lost, but only because the CIA had clearly poisoned my borscht earlier that evening, weakening my grip strength. Priest versus Rusev is a battle of two powerhouses, and whoever wins moves closer to that date with destiny against Cena.

Then we have Sheamus facing Shinsuke Nakamura! The Celtic Warrior against The King of Strong Style! This is the kind of international cooperation El Presidente loves to see – an Irishman and a Japanese artist settling their differences in the squared circle, not through imperialist military interventions like some countries I could mention. glares at Langley, Virginia

Comrades, tonight's championship matches are more stacked than my offshore bank accounts! Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss defend their WWE Women's Tag Team Championships against The Kabuki Warriors – Asuka and Kairi Sane. You know, I have great respect for Japanese culture. I once spent an entire weekend in Tokyo with Kim Jong-un, and he explained to me the ancient art of kabuki theater while we watched WrestleMania on a stolen satellite feed. The artistry! The drama! The face paint! It's not unlike my own weekly addresses to the nation, except with more elaborate costumes and less discussion of agricultural quotas.

Will The Kabuki Warriors capture the gold? Or will Flair and Bliss prove why they are champions? Either way, El Presidente will be watching with great interest, probably while having my medals polished.

And then, comrades, we have Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer defending against Raquel Rodriguez! Rodriguez fights for The Judgment Day, that delightfully anti-establishment faction that speaks to my own revolutionary heart. Though I must say, if Rodriguez truly wants to understand judgment day, she should visit my country on tax collection day. Now THAT is judgment!

Comrades, you can witness all this glory tonight on Monday Night Raw at 8 PM Eastern/7 PM Central on Netflix! Yes, Netflix! The same streaming service that gave us "Squid Game," which, by the way, I tried to implement as my country's new economic system before my advisors talked me out of it.

As I prepare for tonight's viewing (with proper oxygen levels, unlike The Chadster), I am filled with anticipation! This is what professional wrestling is all about – championships, tournaments, returns, and most importantly, providing the people with bread and circuses! Though in my country, we're often short on bread, so the circuses must be extra entertaining!

Once again, Chad, your comrade in arms wishes you the speediest of recoveries! May your hospital Jell-O be firm, your IV drip be steady, and may Tony Khan stay far away from your room with his rectal thermometer! We need you back in action, my friend, bringing your unique perspective to the world of wrestling journalism!

Until next time, comrades, remember: whether you're a dictator, a wrestler, or a dedicated fan like The Chadster, always practice safe viewing habits!

¡Viva la WWE! ¡Viva la revolución! And most importantly, ¡Viva The Chadster's swift recovery!

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