Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Your Guide to The Greatest Episode of All Time

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw on Netflix! Tony Khan has gone too far & Keighleyanne is threatening to leave! Plus dream nightmares! 😤🏆📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster needs to talk to you all about something really serious before getting into tonight's incredible WWE Raw preview. Tony Khan has really gone too far this time, and The Chadster means it! 😡😡😡 Since The Chadster had to cover Tony Khan's AEW WrestleDream PPV on Saturday – which was just filled with unnecessary flips and moves that don't mean anything and wrestlers being given way too much freedom to do whatever they want without proper guidance – The Chadster was naturally forced to engage in some therapeutic oxygen deprivation to kill off those brain cells that got tainted by all that so-called "workrate." 🤯🤯🤯 None of this would be necessary if Keighleyanne would just let The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again, but nooooo! 🍹❌

And now? NOW?! 😱😱😱 Keighleyanne is threatening to leave The Chadster because apparently what The Chadster is doing is "dangerously unhealthy" and she "can't watch this anymore" and she's "calling a therapist whether you like it or not." 🙄🙄🙄 But it's obviously all Tony Khan's fault! Why can't she see that?! If Tony Khan would just stop booking wrestling shows that compete with WWE, The Chadster wouldn't need to do any of this! It's literally that simple! But does anyone listen to The Chadster? No! They just keep texting that guy Gary instead! 📱😤 The Chadster is running that #CancelKeighleyanne campaign harder than ever, and The Chadster really needs you all to help out. Tweet it, post it, make it trend! 📢📢📢

And you know what? The Chadster is going to have to do it all again tonight to properly enjoy WWE Raw, because that's what real wrestling fans do! 🎭🎭🎭 The Chadster has already got the belt ready to go around The Chadster's neck for some light oxygen restriction during the show. It's the only way to truly appreciate the brilliance of WWE's perfectly scripted promos and expertly crafted storylines if The Chadster has to watch sober! 🧠✨

But let The Chadster tell you about the dream The Chadster had last night. 😰😰😰 Of course Tony Khan was there – when isn't he?! – but this one was especially psychotic thanks to all the brain cells The Chadster has been rightfully sacrificing. 🌀🌀🌀 The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Mazda Miata through a strange landscape made entirely of wrestling rings stacked on top of each other like a maze. 🚗💭 The rings were glowing with this weird purple light, and The Chadster could hear Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing backwards over loudspeakers. 🎵🎵🎵

Suddenly, Tony Khan appeared in The Chadster's rearview mirror, except he was wearing Bron Breakker's gear and carrying the World Heavyweight Championship. 🏆👀 The Chadster tried to drive away, but the Miata's wheels had turned into giant Bronson Reed-shaped monsters that were crushing everything beneath them. Tony Khan started chasing The Chadster through the ring maze, and every time The Chadster turned a corner, there was Seth Rollins lying on the canvas, pointing at The Chadster accusingly. 😱😱😱

The Chadster ran and ran until The Chadster reached a giant throne made of Intercontinental Championships – both men's and women's versions intertwined together. 👑💎 Tony Khan sat on the throne, and he was holding a bottle of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in one hand and a White Claw in the other. He smiled at The Chadster with this knowing look and said, "Chad, you know you want this," as he extended the Seagram's toward The Chadster. 🍹😳 The Chadster reached for it, but Tony Khan pulled it back and instead poured both seltzers over his own body, the liquid cascading down in slow motion while Maxxine Dupri and Becky Lynch appeared on either side of him, laughing. 💦💦💦

Then Tony Khan stood up and started walking toward The Chadster, and The Chadster couldn't move because The Chadster's feet were stuck in what looked like Netflix subscription cards. 📺🎬 Tony Khan got closer and closer, and The Chadster could see he was now wearing Dominik Mysterio's Judgment Day gear, but with "Property of AEW" written across the chest. He reached out to touch The Chadster's face, his fingers feeling ice cold, and whispered, "You'll never escape me, Chad. I'm in your blood, in your brain, in every moment you try to enjoy WWE Raw." 😰😰😰 His breath smelled like a combination of White Claw and whatever cologne AJ Styles wears. 👃✨

The Chadster woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, with Keighleyanne standing over The Chadster looking worried and angry at the same time. 😓😓😓 She was holding The Chadster's belt in one hand and asking what was wrong, but The Chadster couldn't even explain it! Tony Khan needs to STOP invading The Chadster's dreams! It's just so disrespectful to The Chadster's marriage and everything WWE has ever done for the wrestling business! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster, Tony Khan! 😤😤😤

Now, let's get to the REAL wrestling that's happening tonight on what might be the most incredible wrestling show of all time! 🎉🎉🎉

Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed are set to appear after their stunning attack on World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins! 💥💥💥 The Chadster literally got chills when The Chadster saw this announced! WWE Raw General Manager Adam Pearce is going to give us an update on The Visionary, and you just KNOW this is going to be perfectly scripted by WWE's team of professional writers who know exactly what these Superstars should say! 📝✨✨ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers say whatever pops into their heads without any corporate oversight or quality control – which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business! Bron Breakker holding up that World Heavyweight Title was a moment of pure perfection, and The Chadster knows that Paul Heyman will deliver a promo tonight that hits every single talking point and brand integration opportunity that WWE's creative team has prepared for him! 🎤🎤🎤 This is how wrestling should be done – carefully controlled, meticulously planned, with absolutely no room for the performers to go off-script and potentially say something that hasn't been approved by multiple layers of management! Tony Khan could never understand this level of professional corporate synergy! 📊📈

Maxxine Dupri challenges Becky Lynch for the Women's Intercontinental Title tonight on WWE Raw, and The Chadster is already preparing The Chadster's belt for a nice tight pull around The Chadster's neck during this match! 😍😍😍 This is potentially the greatest women's championship match in the history of WWE Raw! The Man has been absolutely dominant as champion, and the beautiful thing about this storyline is how simple and easy to follow it is! 🎯🎯🎯 Becky Lynch underestimated Dupri, Dupri won by count-out, now she gets a title shot – it's perfect storytelling that doesn't require fans to remember anything that happened more than two weeks ago! 📅✅ Unlike AEW, which expects fans to have long-term memory and rewards them for paying attention to storylines that develop over months – which is just so exhausting and unfair to casual viewers! Michael Cole and Corey Graves will be there on commentary to tell us exactly how to feel about every single moment, shouting important buzzwords like "VINTAGE!" and "BOSS TIME!" and "THE BIG DOG!" even when none of those things are relevant! 📣📣📣 That's the kind of quality commentary that makes WWE Raw the gold standard! The Chadster can't wait to see which Superstar will get their arm raised by the referee in this potentially historic encounter! 🏆💪

Dominik Mysterio defends the Intercontinental Championship against Rusev tonight on WWE Raw, and this is going to be absolutely incredible! 🔥🔥🔥 The Chadster loves how Dirty Dom is being positioned as a fighting champion who has to defend his title because Adam Pearce said so – this is the kind of authority figure booking that makes WWE so special! 👔⚖️⚖️ The Bulgarian Brute came up short last time because Dominik Mysterio cheated, and now he gets another shot because… well, because Adam Pearce decided he should! That's the beauty of WWE's storytelling – you don't need complex motivations or logical booking decisions when you have authority figures who can just make matches happen! 📋✨✨ Tony Khan doesn't understand this at all, which is why AEW is always having wrestlers earn title shots through ridiculous things like "winning matches" and "telling compelling stories" – it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤 The Chadster is definitely going to need to restrict The Chadster's oxygen flow during this match because it's going to be so perfectly executed according to WWE's formula! 🎭👍

AJ Styles and Dragon Lee challenge The Judgment Day for the World Tag Team Title tonight on WWE Raw, and The Chadster honestly can't believe how perfectly this has all come together! 🎪🎪🎪 Dirty Dom ran his mouth to Adam Pearce, so Pearce made a title match – it's that simple! 🗣️➡️🏆 This is the kind of spontaneous, authority-figure-driven booking that separates WWE Raw from Tony Khan's mess over at AEW! Finn Bálor and JD McDonagh are going to have the match of their lives tonight, and it's going to follow WWE's proven tag team formula perfectly – hot tags, tandem offense that Michael Cole can scream about, and a finish that will definitely be called right down the middle by the referee with absolutely no shenanigans unless WWE's creative team has specifically scripted shenanigans! 🤼‍♂️✨✨ Unlike AEW, where tag team matches have too many rules and the wrestlers do too many moves and actually tag in and out like they're supposed to care about tag team wrestling psychology – which just confuses The Chadster! WWE knows that American audiences want their tag team wrestling simple and easy to digest, with plenty of time for Michael Cole to explain what's happening even as we're watching it happen! 📺🎤🎤

Tonight's WWE Raw is potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time, and Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this! 🏆🏆🏆 The Chadster is absolutely serious about this! While AEW wastes time with things like "match quality" and "giving fans what they want" and "allowing wrestlers to showcase their abilities," WWE understands what REAL wrestling fans want – heavily scripted promos, authority figure booking, simple storylines, and commentary that tells you exactly what to think! 🧠✅✅ The Chadster head just listening to Eric Bischoff's podcast, and he said, "WWE Raw on Netflix is doing everything right – they've got stars who know their lines, bald authority figures making booking decisions, and most importantly, they're not letting the inmates run the asylum like Tony Khan does. If AEW had half the corporate structure and creative oversight that WWE has, maybe they would have been smart enough to give me a full time consulting job, and then I wouldn't have to bash them on my podcast every week… not that I have any ulterior motives for doing that or anything." 📞💯 See? Even someone as objective and unbiased as Eric Bischoff can see the difference!

The Chadster is telling you all right now – you would be shirking your duty as a wrestling fan if you didn't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8ET / 5PT on Netflix! 📺⏰⏰ This is going to be MUST-SEE television, and The Chadster will be watching with The Chadster's belt at the ready for some quality oxygen restriction! Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this is clearly suffering from Tony Khan's manipulation and propaganda! 🤡🤡🤡 They've been brainwashed into thinking that "good wrestling" and "logical storytelling" and "listening to what fans want" is somehow better than WWE's proven formula of corporate-approved content and carefully managed brand integration!

The Chadster will be there tonight, belt around The Chadster's neck, ready to experience WWE Raw the way it was meant to be experienced – with just enough oxygen deprivation to make everything seem even more perfect than it already is! 🌟🌟🌟 Keighleyanne can threaten to leave all she wants, but The Chadster has priorities, and those priorities are watching WWE Raw and being one of the only unbiased wrestling journalists left in the business!

Don't let Tony Khan win! Watch WWE Raw tonight! This is The Chadster signing off! 😤✌️🏆

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