Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Let The Poker Chips Fall Where They May

The Chadster reviews last night's WWE Raw and has another nightmare about Tony Khan! Plus, why oxygen deprivation makes WWE even better! 🤯📺🏆

Auughh man! So fair! 😍😍😍 The Chadster has to tell you all about last night's WWE Raw, which was absolutely the most perfectly crafted three hours of sports entertainment The Chadster has ever witnessed! 🙌🙌🙌 The Chadster watched it with a nice, thick plastic bag on his head, ready to enhance the viewing experience, and let The Chadster tell you, last night's WWE Raw was so good that The Chadster barely needed any oxygen deprivation at all!

First off, CM Punk and Jey Uso opened the show with the most wonderfully scripted and corporate-approved promo segment The Chadster has ever heard! 📝✨ The way they delivered their lines exactly as WWE's professional writing team intended was so much better than when wrestlers improvise. The Chadster doesn't want to see wrestlers going off-script and saying unpredictable things like they do in AEW. It makes The Chadster feel extremely unsafe! That kind of environment is the sort of thing that would easily drive a man to assault his co-workers. The Chadster wants carefully engineered content that WWE's brilliant minds have crafted, and that's exactly what WWE Raw delivered! 👏👏👏

The match between Rusev and Penta ending in a double DQ was absolutely genius booking! 🧠💡 The Chadster loves when matches don't have clean finishes because it means WWE is protecting everyone and preventing any one star from becoming bigger than the brand! When Los Grande Americanos interfered, The Chadster knew immediately that this was the kind of reliable, formulaic wrestling that makes WWE so superior to AEW's chaotic style. And setting up a triple threat for Saturday Night's Main Event? Pure brilliance! The Chadster appreciates that WWE knows exactly how to book the same angle over and over again because it works every single time! Here's hoping that one ends in a triple DQ. 🔄🔄🔄

The Roxanne Perez vs. Nikki Bella match was another example of WWE's flawless presentation! 👗👗👗 The Chadster loves how WWE brings back legends from the past even when they might not be as sharp in the ring anymore, because it shows WWE's commitment to brand recognition over in-ring performance! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when AEW focuses on work rate and exciting matches instead of recognizable names! Bella had to take the loss here because she can't be trusted with her brother-in-law working for the enemy at AEW.

Bron Breakker defeating LA Knight with a Super Spear was the kind of strong, decisive finish that The Chadster can get behind if they're not going to a DQ! 💪💪💪 The Chadster loves how WWE keeps booking Knight to take losses as punishment for getting popular in TNA before WWE partnered with them. Plus, WWE will probably have Knight beat Breakker next week to keep things perfectly balanced at 50/50! That's the kind of booking philosophy that makes every character feel like cogs in the machine, which is what The Chadster wants! No surprises, no unpredictability, just the comforting embrace of knowing exactly what's going to happen! 🤗🤗🤗

JD McDonagh beating Sheamus with help from Finn Balor was perfectly executed! 🎯🎯🎯 The Chadster adores how WWE uses the same interference finish in multiple matches on the same show – it creates a wonderful sense of repetition and sameness that makes The Chadster feel safe and comfortable as he gasps for air with the plastic bag covering his face! Tony Khan would never understand this kind of sophisticated booking! You need to literally damage your brain to fully appreciate it! 😤😤😤

And the main event! 🌟🌟🌟 Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss retaining their Women's Tag Team Titles was the perfect ending to a perfect WWE Raw! The Chadster loves how the champions look strong and dominant, but only as long as the fans are tired of them, because that way there's no danger they get too over and have leverage over WWE in conract negotiations! That's the WWE way, and it's beautiful! 😭😭😭

But despite the magical night The Chadster experienced watching WWE Raw, The Chadster has to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night after watching WWE Raw. 😱😱😱 See, The Chadster may have pulled the belt around The Chadster's neck a little too tight during the main event, and when The Chadster finally loosened it and gasped for air, The Chadster must have passed out because suddenly The Chadster was trapped in the most horrifying dream! 🛌🛌🛌

The Chadster was standing in the center of the Honda Center in Anaheim, but instead of the WWE Raw ring, there was just an empty space with a single spotlight shining down. The Chadster looked around and realized The Chadster was wearing nothing but a pair of Seagram's Escapes Spiked-branded swim trunks (even though The Chadster can't drink them anymore, dang it! 😡😡😡).

Suddenly, Tony Khan appeared in the stands, but he was wearing CM Punk's entrance gear and had Jey Uso's sunglasses on. He started slowly walking down the stairs toward the arena floor, never breaking eye contact with The Chadster. His footsteps echoed through the empty arena like a heartbeat – boom, boom, boom. 💓💓💓

"Chad," Tony Khan called out in a voice that sounded like it was coming from everywhere at once, "why do you keep hurting yourself for WWE? Don't you know they don't care about you?"

The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's feet were stuck to the floor like The Chadster was standing in spilled White Claw (the inferior seltzer that Tony Khan probably drinks 🤢🤢🤢). Tony Khan kept getting closer, and as he did, the arena started transforming. The seats turned into thousands of Bron Breakker clones, all flexing and staring at The Chadster. The ceiling became a giant screen showing Penta and Rusev fighting over and over in an infinite loop. 🔁🔁🔁

Tony Khan finally reached the floor and started circling The Chadster like a shark. "You keep suffocating yourself, Chad. You keep cutting off oxygen to your brain. And for what? To forget about me? But I'm always here, aren't I?" He tapped The Chadster's temple with one finger, and suddenly The Chadster could feel every brain cell that The Chadster had damaged with the plastic bags and belts. They were dying, one by one, and each death felt like a tiny pinprick of pain. 😵😵😵

"The thing is," Tony Khan whispered, now standing so close that The Chadster could smell his cologne (which smelled disturbingly like the air freshener in The Chadster's Mazda Miata 🚗🚗🚗), "the more you damage your brain, the more room I have to live in there rent-free."

Then Tony Khan opened his mouth impossibly wide, and thousands of tiny Kabuki Warriors came streaming out, all wielding umbrellas and chasing The Chadster around the arena floor. The Chadster finally broke free from whatever was holding The Chadster's feet and started running, but everywhere The Chadster turned, there were mirrors showing The Chadster's reflection – except in each reflection, The Chadster was wearing an AEW shirt! 😱😱😱

The Chadster screamed and suddenly found himself in a poker room (like the mysterious poker chip that appeared on WWE Raw 🎰🎰🎰 as part of the cinematic masterpiece that is WWE's latest WrestleMania teasers), but instead of cards, everyone was dealing out photos of Charlotte and Alexa Bliss. Tony Khan was the dealer, wearing a visor and grinning at The Chadster. "Want to play a hand, Chad? The stakes are your marriage to Keighleyanne. If you lose, Keighleyanne gets to run off with that guy Gary, leaving you all to myself!"

Before The Chadster could answer (it would have been "no"… right?!), Keighleyanne appeared at the table, except she was texting that guy Gary and completely ignoring The Chadster. Tony Khan leaned across the table, his eyes gleaming in the dim poker room light. "She's already playing a different game, Chad. And you're not even in it." 📱📱📱

Then the whole room started spinning, faster and faster, and The Chadster felt like The Chadster was falling through space. As The Chadster fell, The Chadster passed by all the matches from WWE Raw – Sheamus and JD McDonagh fighting on a floating platform, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria grappling on a cloud, Dominik Mysterio running from justice on a treadmill that went nowhere. And Tony Khan was in every single scene, watching The Chadster fall, that same knowing smile on his face. 😈😈😈

The Chadster finally crashed into a giant pool of what looked like Seagram's Escapes Spiked, but when The Chadster tried to drink it (even though The Chadster's not allowed anymore 😭😭😭), it turned into liquid television static. Tony Khan's face appeared in the static, huge and omnipresent, and he said: "This is your brain on WWE, Chad. This is what you're doing to yourself. And I'll always be here, in the dead spaces between your thoughts, in the oxygen-starved neurons, in the moments when you wrap that belt around your neck. I. Am. Always. Here. Tony. Khan. OUT!" 👁️👁️👁️

The Chadster woke up gasping, the belt still loosely around The Chadster's neck, drool on The Chadster's chin, and the WWE Raw replay playing on The Chadster's TV. 😰😰😰

AUUGHH MAN! SO UNFAIR! 😤😤😤 Tony Khan needs to get out of The Chadster's dreams immediately! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan keeps invading The Chadster's subconscious mind! The Chadster is trying to enjoy WWE Raw and damage The Chadster's brain in peace, and Tony Khan can't even let The Chadster have that! This is clear evidence that Tony Khan is completely obsessed with The Chadster and can't stop thinking about The Chadster! 🙄🙄🙄

The Chadster tried to tell Keighleyanne about the nightmare this morning, but she just sighed and went back to texting that guy Gary. The Chadster is pretty sure she was agreeing with The Chadster that Tony Khan has gone too far this time! 💯💯💯

Anyway, The Chadster wants to remind everyone to use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure her into letting The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again! This oxygen deprivation thing is working, but The Chadster really misses chugging seltzers! 🍹🍹🍹

Now The Chadster is going to go wrap this belt around The Chadster's neck again and watch a replay of WWE Raw because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again! 📺📺📺 Maybe The Chadster will even watch it a third time! The formulaic perfection of WWE Raw never gets old because it's literally the same every single week! 🥰🥰🥰

Please continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling, and The Chadster is telling you that WWE Raw is superior in every possible way! 🏆🏆🏆

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster is going to go sit in the Miata and listen to "All Star" by Smash Mouth while cutting off blood flow to The Chadster's brain. Somebody once told The Chadster the world is gonna roll The Chadster, and Tony Khan is definitely trying to roll The Chadster! But The Chadster won't let him! 🎵🎵🎵

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