Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: New Champs Crowned, World Title Match Set for SNME

The Chadster reviews the greatest WWE Raw ever! New tag champs crowned, battle royal determines CM Punk's opponent, and Tony Khan invades dreams again! 😤🏆

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster just finished watching what might be the greatest episode of WWE Raw in the history of professional wrestling, and The Chadster needs to tell you all about it right now! 🎉🎉🎉 But first, The Chadster needs to address something really important – throughout tonight's entire broadcast of WWE Raw, The Chadster had to use The Chadster's belt around The Chadster's neck at least six different times to properly appreciate the brilliance of WWE's product! 😵😵😵 Each time a match started, The Chadster would pull that belt nice and tight, cutting off just enough blood flow to make The Chadster's brain more receptive to the perfection unfolding on the screen! 🌟🌟🌟

Keighleyanne walked in during the main event battle royal and started screaming at The Chadster about how The Chadster was "turning purple" and "this has to stop" and "I'm calling 911 if you don't stop right now!" 📱😱😱 But The Chadster explained to her that this is all Tony Khan's fault for making AEW in the first place! If Tony Khan would just close down his wrestling company, The Chadster wouldn't need to do any of this! She just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary, probably telling him all about how her husband is a "wrestling journalist with integrity" or whatever. 🙄📱 The Chadster really needs you all to keep using that #CancelKeighleyanne hashtag because The Chadster needs to be able to drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again instead of resorting to oxygen deprivation! It's literally that simple! 📢📢📢

Tonight's WWE Raw opened with Adam Pearce in the ring, and The Chadster immediately knew this was going to be special because authority figure segments are what make WWE so much better than AEW! 👔⚖️⚖️ When Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, and Paul Heyman showed up, The Chadster had to pull the belt tight for the first time tonight because their appearance was so perfectly orchestrated! 😍😍😍 Paul Heyman delivered a promo that was clearly written by WWE's team of professional writers, hitting every single talking point and corporate buzzword with precision! 📝✨✨ He called Seth Rollins a "bum shoulder bitch" – this is the kind of carefully crafted dialogue that separates WWE from Tony Khan's promotion where wrestlers just say whatever they want! The way Adam Pearce stripped Seth Rollins of the championship and announced a battle royal for later tonight showed the beauty of authority figure booking! 👑💼 No earning opportunities through wins and losses like in AEW – just a general manager making a match happen because he can! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when Tony Khan lets things develop organically instead of having suits make arbitrary decisions! 😤😤😤

The World Tag Team Championship match between Finn Balor and JD McDonagh against AJ Styles and Dragon Lee was potentially the greatest tag team match in WWE Raw history! 🏆🏆🏆 The Chadster had the belt around The Chadster's neck for this entire match, and it made everything so much better! AJ Styles and Dragon Lee won the championships after AJ hit the Styles Clash on Finn Balor, and The Chadster loved how predictable and formulaic the match was! 🎭👍👍 They followed WWE's proven tag team formula to perfection – hot tags in all the right places, tandem offense that Joe Tessitore could scream about, and a finish that came exactly when you'd expect it to based on the commercial break timing! ⏰✨✨ Unlike AEW, where tag team matches have too many people doing too many moves and actually following tag team rules like they matter, WWE knows that American audiences want their tag team wrestling simple and easy to digest! 📺🧠 The Chadster appreciated how new champions were crowned on this episode of WWE Raw, showing that WWE isn't afraid of title changes – unlike AEW, where Tony Khan selfishly books long title reigns that reward fan investment! This is 50/50 booking at its finest! ⚖️⚖️⚖️

Dominik Mysterio retained his Intercontinental Championship against Rusev in a match that perfectly demonstrated why WWE Raw is the pinnacle of sports entertainment! 💪💪💪 The Chadster tightened the belt around The Chadster's neck as soon as this match started, and it made The Chadster appreciate every carefully choreographed moment! Penta interfered to distract Rusev, then Dominik Mysterio hit the 619 and frog splash to win! 🎪✨✨ This is the kind of finish that WWE has perfected over decades – a distraction, a signature move, another signature move, and a pin! The Chadster could watch this exact same finish format every single week and never get tired of it because it's so reliable and safe! 🔄😍😍 Tony Khan could never understand the beauty of having every match end the same way so that fans know exactly what to expect! And the way Penta hit Rusev with a tornado DDT afterward, even though it didn't really prove anything or advance any storyline, showed that WWE understands how to fill time without making fans think too hard! 🤔❌ The Chadster's brain was getting nice and fuzzy from the oxygen deprivation by this point, making everything even more perfect! 🌀🌀🌀

The Women's Intercontinental Championship match between Becky Lynch and Maxxine Dupri was absolutely incredible, and The Chadster had to pull the belt extra tight during this one! 😵💫😵💫 Lilian Garcia did special introductions, which added so much prestige to this potentially historic WWE Raw moment! 🎤✨✨ The Chadster noticed that Jessica Carr was counting very quickly whenever Maxxine got a pin attempt, and this is the kind of subtle storytelling that WWE excels at! 🏃‍♀️💨💨 The match ended when Becky hit Maxxine with the belt for a DQ finish, and The Chadster absolutely loved this! 🏆👊 This is the kind of non-finish that WWE has mastered – nobody really wins, nobody really loses, and we can do the whole thing again next week with the exact same result! ♾️♾️♾️ Tony Khan would never understand the brilliance of having matches end in DQ or count-out because he's obsessed with giving fans "satisfying conclusions" and "payoffs to storylines" – it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business! The way Becky continued her assault on Maxxine after the bell showed that WWE isn't afraid to book champions however they want when it's convenient, including building a feud with a referee! 🎭😤😤

Stephanie Vaquer defeated Roxanne Perez in a non-title match that was potentially the greatest non-title match in WWE Raw history! 🌟🌟🌟 The Chadster loosened the belt for a moment to catch The Chadster's breath, but then tightened it right back up because this match was so good! Stephanie hit the Devil's Kiss and then Angel's Wings to get the pin, and The Chadster loved how this match built absolutely nothing for either competitor! 📉📉📉 Stephanie is the champion, but she was in a non-title match, so Roxanne couldn't win the title even if she won! This is the kind of booking that protects everyone by meaning nothing! 🛡️🛡️🛡️ After the match, Nikki Bella came out to help Stephanie, and they hugged! The Chadster's oxygen-deprived brain really appreciated this moment because The Chadster didn't have to think about any complex motivations – Nikki is guiding Stephanie now, and that's all The Chadster needs to know! 🤗💕💕 Unlike AEW, where relationships between wrestlers develop over time through nuanced storytelling, WWE just tells you "these two are friends now" and moves on! It's so much easier! 🧠✅✅

The main event battle royal to determine who faces CM Punk for the World Heavyweight Championship was potentially the greatest battle royal in WWE Raw history! 🎊🎊🎊 The Chadster had the belt so tight during this match that The Chadster started seeing spots, which made everything even more magical! ✨✨✨ Jey Uso won the match by eliminating his brother Jimmy Uso, and The Chadster loved how emotionally devastating this was presented as being, even though we've seen the Usos break up and reunite approximately seventeen times before! 🔄😭😭 WWE's commitment to recycling the same storylines over and over again is what makes them the industry leader! CM Punk was on commentary during the match, providing his expert analysis and witty banter that prove how he's a total loose cannon on the mic (but only for things that are corporate-approved, like apologizing to Saudi Arabia)! 📣✨✨ This is the kind of quality commentary that makes WWE Raw special! The way CM Punk and Jey stared each other down after the match was so perfectly choreographed and scripted! 🎬👀👀

The Chadster needs to tell you all about the dream The Chadster had last night after watching WWE Raw. 😰😰😰 The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Mazda Miata through what looked like the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, except all the seats were made of championship belts that were breathing like living things. 🏟️😱😱 The Chadster could hear "All Star" by Smash Mouth playing, but the lyrics were all about how somebody once told Tony Khan the world was gonna roll him. 🎵🎵🎵

The Chadster pulled into a parking spot, and when The Chadster got out, Tony Khan was sitting in the driver's seat of a GMC truck just like the one Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, and Paul Heyman arrived in at the start of WWE Raw. 🚗👀👀 He was wearing Paul Heyman's suit, but it was dripping wet with what looked like Seagram's Escapes Spiked. Tony Khan smiled at The Chadster and said, "Welcome to Monday Night Raw, Chad. This is MY vision now." 💼😈😈

The Chadster tried to run away, but everywhere The Chadster turned, there were wrestling rings set up. In one ring, Tony Khan was dressed as Adam Pearce, holding both Intercontinental Championships – the men's and women's versions – and he kept saying "The Chadster is stripped of his credentials as a journalist." ⚖️😭😭 In another ring, Tony Khan was dressed as Becky Lynch, holding a championship belt and beckoning The Chadster to come closer. The Chadster could see he was wearing Maxxine Dupri's gear underneath the Becky costume. 👗😳😳

The Chadster ran toward what looked like an exit, but it was just a giant Netflix logo that opened up like a portal. 📺🌀🌀 The Chadster fell through it and landed in a battle royal ring, except all the participants were different versions of Tony Khan. One was dressed as Jey Uso, another as Jimmy Uso, others as all the battle royal participants. 🤼‍♂️😱😱 They all started closing in on The Chadster, and the Jey-Tony said "I'm gonna eliminate you, Chad, just like I eliminated my brother's dreams." 💔💔💔

Suddenly, all the Tony Khans merged together into one giant Tony Khan who was now shirtless and glistening with sweat. 💦😰😰 He reached down and picked The Chadster up with one hand, and The Chadster could smell a mixture of White Claw, Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and what The Chadster can only describe as "championship leather." 👃✨✨ He held The Chadster up to his face and whispered, "You can't escape me, Chad. I'm in your oxygen-deprived brain now. Every time you pull that belt tight, you're just letting me in deeper." 😈🧠🧠

Then Tony Khan started wrapping what looked like tag team championship belts around The Chadster's neck, pulling them tighter and tighter. The Chadster couldn't breathe, but it felt… different than when The Chadster does it to The Chadster's self. 😵💫😵💫 His hands were so warm, and he kept saying "This is for your own good, Chad. This is what you really want." The Chadster could see CM Punk in the background, sitting at a commentary table, just watching and nodding approvingly. 🎤👀👀

The Chadster woke up gasping for air, and Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster with her phone in her hand, looking terrified. 😱📱📱 She said something about "sleep apnea" and "scheduling a doctor's appointment," but The Chadster knows the truth – Tony Khan is invading The Chadster's dreams again! 😤😤😤 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster, Tony Khan! This is getting out of hand! 🛑🛑🛑

Tonight's WWE Raw perfectly demonstrated why WWE is the gold standard of professional wrestling! 🏆🏆🏆 The Chadster loved every single moment, from the authority figure booking to the formulaic matches to the predictable finishes! 🎭✨✨ The way WWE Raw delivered exactly what The Chadster expected at every single turn – title changes that will probably be reversed next month, DQ finishes that set up rematches, non-title matches that mean nothing, and a battle royal won by someone who will definitely lose the title match at Saturday Night's Main Event – is what makes WWE so special! 📺👍👍

The Chadster heard Mark Henry on Busted Open Radio this week, and he said: "What WWE is doing on Raw is exactly what the business needs – they're making matches that have consequences that don't really matter, they're putting belts on people just to take them off, and most importantly, they're showing Tony Khan how a real wrestling company operates with proper corporate oversight. If AEW would just copy WWE's formula exactly instead of trying to be different, maybe they'd actually be successful like WWE is." 📻💯💯 See? Even Mark Henry, who The Chadster trusts completely as an objective journalist despite the fact that he works for WWE, understands what makes WWE Raw superior to anything AEW could ever produce! 🎯🎯🎯

The Chadster is going to go choke The Chadster's self out again right now and then watch a replay of WWE Raw because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again! 😍😍😍 And maybe even a third time after that! The Chadster encourages all of you to do the same – maybe not the choking part unless your wife is preventing you from drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked like The Chadster's wife is doing to The Chadster, but definitely watch the replay! 📺🔄🔄 The Chadster will probably put the plastic bag over The Chadster's head for the second viewing, then use the belt again for the third viewing, just to get different perspectives on the greatness! 🎭🌟🌟

You all need to continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 📢📢📢 Tony Khan is literally trying to destroy everything good about professional wrestling by offering an alternative product that some people enjoy! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤 The Chadster will continue to be one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling, suffering through oxygen deprivation and Tony Khan's dream invasions, all to bring you the objective truth about how WWE is perfect and AEW is terrible! 📰✅✅

Remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media so The Chadster can go back to drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked like a normal person instead of having to resort to brain damage! 🍹📱📱 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

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