Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Royal Rumble Stage Set for This Weekend

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw's go-home show before Royal Rumble, featuring CM Punk vs. AJ Styles and Finn Balor's shocking attack!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw on a television set I definitely did not steal from the American embassy during our last diplomatic incident. And let me tell you, comrades, Monday Night Raw was hotter than the time I had to flee the country in nothing but my underwear after the CIA discovered my plans to replace all their hamburgers with empanadas!

First, let me say how delighted I am that the Royal Rumble is happening this weekend in Saudi Arabia. Finally, another dictatorship (besides the United States, which is rapidly becoming one) gets to host a premium live event! It warms my heart to see WWE spreading their entertainment empire to those of us who understand the true value of absolute power. Though I must confess, comrades, I am still bitter that the CIA has repeatedly blocked my attempts to convince WWE to hold Survivor Series in my personal colosseum. I even offered to fill the moat with piranhas for the hardcore matches! But apparently, "international sanctions" and "human rights violations" are more important than good television… except when you're Saudi Arabia. Typical CIA jealousy.

But let us discuss WWE Raw itself, comrades!

The show opened with AJ Styles addressing his upcoming retirement match against Gunther, which reminded me of the time I told Fidel Castro that I was considering retiring from dictating. He laughed so hard his beard fell off! He told me, "El Presidente, men like us never retire. We simply become more creative in our oppression." Wise words, though I believe Styles should have taken them to heart. Then CM Punk interrupted to challenge Styles to a match for tonight, which was very sporting of him. In my country, when someone interrupts my speech, they usually end up teaching agricultural techniques to llamas in the mountains. For life.

The opening six-woman tag team match saw Rhea Ripley, Iyo Sky, and Stephanie Vaquer defeat Liv Morgan, Roxanne Perez, and Raquel Rodriguez when Ripley hit the Riptide on Perez. This match was more packed with talent than the time I attended a secret dictator convention in Montenegro with Kim Jong-un, where we compared notes on our favorite reality television programs. Kim is a huge fan of "The Bachelor," which explains so much about his foreign policy. The action was fast and furious, much like my escape from that very same convention when the CIA tried to spike the punch bowl with truth serum!

Backstage, Finn Balor and Punk had an intriguing conversation where Punk suggested Balor might need to ditch Judgment Day to reach his full potential. This reminded me of excellent advice I once gave to Muammar Gaddafi about his fashion choices. I said, "Muammar, my friend, perhaps it is time to move beyond the military uniforms and embrace something more casual. Have you considered a nice Tommy Bahama shirt?" He did not take my advice, and we all saw how that ended. Sometimes, comrades, you must abandon your familia to achieve greatness!

The Vision came out next for a promo, and Paul Heyman did his usual magnificent work on the microphone. Heyman's ability to talk his way out of trouble reminds me of the time I convinced the United Nations that my nuclear program was actually just a very ambitious fireworks display for children's birthday parties. Adam Pearce announced that Bron Breakker's suspension was lifted and put the entire Vision in the Royal Rumble, which seemed to confuse Heyman. In my experience, when someone gives you exactly what you ask for, it usually means the CIA is involved somehow.

Austin Theory then defeated Rey Mysterio with a Stomp, which is excellent for Theory's momentum. I have always appreciated Theory's confidence, which reminds me of my own youth when I convinced an entire village that I could communicate with chickens. I could not, of course, but by the time they figured it out, I had already seized power and nationalized the poultry industry. Theory's victory was somewhat overshadowed by the post-match beatdown from The Vision, but such is life when you wrestle in front of the CIA… I mean, in front of management.

The interview segment with Gunther was deliciously threatening, comrades! When he threatened Michael Cole, asking how long Cole would keep chasing "one more moment," it reminded me of the time I told my minister of propaganda that perhaps he should consider retirement after he accidentally aired footage of me falling into my own birthday cake. He now runs a lovely bed and breakfast in Argentina, and any claims that he hasn't been seen since are baldfaced lies, comrades. Gunther's calm, calculated cruelty is the mark of a true champion, much like my own calm, calculated approach to nationalizing industries that dare to question my economic policies!

The four-way tag team match for a future title shot saw Alpha Academy defeat Los Americanos, New Day, and the Creed Brothers when Tozawa hit his top rope backsplash. I must confess, comrades, I was hoping for a more prestigious team to win, but sometimes democracy… I mean, creative decisions… give us unexpected results. This is why I abolished elections in my country and replaced them with "strongly suggested referendums." Much more efficient!

But the main event of WWE Raw, comrades! Punk defended his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Styles as promised at the start of the show. The match was tremendous, with both men showing why they are legends of this business. The action reminded me of my legendary chess matches with Vladimir Putin, except with more suplexes and fewer polonium-laced tea cups. The technical wrestling was exquisite, and just when it seemed Styles might capture the championship, Balor ran in to cause a disqualification!

This turn of events was more shocking than the time the CIA tried to replace my personal chef with one of their agents. I discovered the plot when he tried to serve me "freedom fries" instead of proper papas fritas. Balor's attack sets up a rematch for Balor against Punk despite the fact they just faced each other last week in Belfast on WWE Raw. Perhaps WWE creative and I share the same philosophy: why let continuity get in the way of a good angle? In my country, we rewrite history all the time! Just last week, I declared that I invented the internet. No one has questioned it yet.

The show ended with Balor standing tall over Punk, hitting multiple Coup de Graces and leaving the champion laying. This kind of calculated assault is exactly what I admire in a performer. It shows commitment, dedication, and the willingness to sacrifice friendship for advancement. These are the same qualities I look for in my cabinet ministers, though admittedly, I prefer they direct their violence toward my political enemies rather than each other.

Overall, comrades, this episode of WWE Raw was a solid go-home show for the Royal Rumble. While it perhaps lacked the explosive energy one might hope for in the final show before a premium live event, it did its job of setting up the matches and creating intrigue. I give this episode of WWE Raw three out of five presidential decrees! It was entertaining enough to distract me from the latest CIA plot to infiltrate my government through a traveling circus, but not quite good enough to make me forget that Survivor Series would be absolutely magnificent in my colosseum with live crocodiles at ringside!

Until next time, comrades, remember: whether you're winning the Royal Rumble or staging a coup, always make sure to eliminate your competition decisively and make sure both feet touch the floor!

Viva la revolución! Viva la lucha libre!

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