Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: So Amazing It Took The Chadster's Breath Away

The Chadster reviews a perfectly scripted, safe episode of WWE Raw! Had to choke himself out though because Keigheyanne's alcohol ban is still in effect! 😤🎭

What an absolutely phenomenal episode of WWE Raw The Chadster witnessed last night! 🤩 The Chadster is literally quivering with excitement after watching the most perfectly crafted three hours of sports entertainment that has ever graced television screens. Every single segment on WWE Raw was meticulously scripted by WWE's team of professional writers, delivering exactly the kind of predictable, safe storytelling that makes The Chadster feel secure and comfortable! 💯

The opening segment with Cody Rhodes and Seth Rollins was a masterclass in WWE's signature style of promo delivery! 🎤 The way both men recited their carefully rehearsed lines with perfect timing showed why WWE's approach of having every word scripted by professional writers is so superior to that chaotic mess Tony Khan calls "creative freedom." The Chadster held his breath for the entire segment – literally! The Chadster has discovered that depriving The Chadster's brain of oxygen helps The Chadster truly appreciate the nuances of WWE's formulaic booking and serves as a suitable replacement for chugging Seagram's Escapes Spiked, which Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster drink because of the boofing incident! After about 90 seconds, The Chadster's vision started getting fuzzy and everything took on a beautiful golden hue, just like WWE's production values! 🌟

The tag team match featuring Penta and the War Raiders against New Day and Grayson Waller was exactly what The Chadster loves about WWE Raw – a perfectly choreographed exhibition where everyone hit their spots exactly when they were supposed to! 👏 The Chadster appreciates how WWE makes sure nobody does anything too dangerous or unexpected. During this match, The Chadster wrapped a belt around The Chadster's neck and pulled it tight while watching – not too tight, just enough to make the room spin a little. The lack of oxygen really enhanced the experience of watching Penta win with that Canadian Destroyer! The way the camera missed Kingston's big spot through the table was actually brilliant directing – WWE knows we don't need to see every move clearly! That's just showing off, which is so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Another highlight of WWE Raw was when Adam Pearce brought out new Women's Champion Stephanie Vaquer for her first promo! 🏆 The Chadster was absolutely mesmerized by how brief and to-the-point it was! She thanked people, mentioned her dad in the crowd, and talked about Crown Jewel – boom, done! No wasted time with personality or character development that might confuse viewers! The Chadster loves how WWE keeps these segments short and sweet, making sure nobody gets too much mic time to potentially go off-script. During Vaquer's appearance, The Chadster tried holding The Chadster's breath while doing jumping jacks, and by the time she finished, The Chadster was seeing triple! Three Stephanie Vaquers, all saying exactly what WWE's writers told her to say! Perfect! 🎯

Bayley versus Roxanne Perez was another testament to WWE's 50/50 booking philosophy that keeps everyone looking equally strong! 💪 The Chadster loves how Lyra Valkyria and Raquel Rodriguez got involved in exactly the way you'd expect them to. No surprises, no shocking twists – just good old-fashioned interference that we all saw coming from a mile away! During this match, The Chadster tried a new technique – plastic bag over the head for about 45 seconds. The crackling sound mixed perfectly with Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett's commentary as they shouted their catchphrases over and over! The way they pretended to be shocked by Bayley's completely telegraphed heel tendencies was chef's kiss! 🤌

Speaking of which, The Chadster had the most disturbing nightmare about Tony Khan last night after watching WWE Raw. 😰 The Chadster was in the Ford Center in Evansville, but it was completely empty except for The Chadster sitting in the front row. Suddenly, Tony Khan emerged from under the ring wearing Seth Rollins' watch – the one Cody gave him – but it was ticking backwards. Every tick echoed through the arena like thunder. Tony started doing Bayley's entrance, but his movements were all wrong, like a marionette with tangled strings. He kept getting closer to The Chadster, and The Chadster tried to run but The Chadster's legs wouldn't work.

"You're watching the wrong show, Chadster," Tony Khan whispered, his breath smelling like White Claw and broken dreams. The Titantron started showing The Chadster's face, but it was melting like candle wax. Tony Khan grabbed The Chadster's hand – his skin felt like static electricity – and placed it on that backwards watch. "Feel how time moves differently in my world," he said, and suddenly The Chadster could feel The Chadster's own heartbeat syncing with the backwards ticking. The arena started filling with blue mist, just like what Asuka used on Rhea Ripley in the main event, but instead of mist, it was tiny Tony Khans, millions of them, each one holding a tiny AEW contract and chanting "creative freedom" in unison. The Chadster woke up gasping for air, which honestly might have been from the plastic bag The Chadster forgot to fully remove before falling asleep. Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! He's literally so obsessed with The Chadster! 😡

The JD McDonagh versus Rusev match was perfectly acceptable! The Chadster loves how WWE gave us about ten minutes of bland action with a completely expected outcome! While watching, The Chadster dunked The Chadster's head in a bucket of ice water and held it there until The Chadster saw spots. When The Chadster came up for air, Rusev was applying the Accolade, and The Chadster swears The Chadster could see Tony Khan's face in the water drops on The Chadster's TV screen, mocking The Chadster! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

Jey Uso defeating LA Knight was another example of WWE's brilliant booking where interference leads to predictable finishes that never upset anyone! The Vision getting involved was so perfectly telegraphed that The Chadster knew it was coming three segments earlier! That's the beauty of WWE Raw – no dangerous surprises or genuine moments that might make you feel unsafe! 🎯

The main event between Asuka and Rhea Ripley was the crown jewel of WWE Raw (pun intended)! 👑 The way Kairi Sane and Iyo Sky got involved in the most formulaic way possible reminded The Chadster why WWE's micromanaged style is superior! During the main event, The Chadster tried something new – The Chadster did rapid breath-holding intervals, 30 seconds on, 10 seconds off. By the time Asuka hit that blue mist, The Chadster's brain was so oxygen-deprived that The Chadster thought The Chadster saw the mist spell out "Tony Khan was here" in the air! The Chadster knows that's impossible, but it just shows how Tony Khan has invaded every aspect of The Chadster's life, even The Chadster's oxygen-deprived hallucinations! 🤯

You know what? The Chadster is going to go choke himself out again and then watch a replay of WWE Raw right now because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again, and maybe even a third time! The formulaic nature of every segment, the predictable outcomes, the way nothing genuinely surprising or dangerous ever happens – it's all so perfect! 🏆

Keep supporting WWE, dear readers! Stand up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! Don't let Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster win! WWE is the only wrestling that matters, and this episode of WWE Raw proved it once again! Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go practice more breath-holding techniques before this week's AEW Dynamite. The Chadster's Mazda Miata is calling, and as Smash Mouth says, "You'll never shine if you don't glow!" 🚗✨

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