Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: The Chadster's Unbiased Take on Perfection

The Chadster watches WWE Raw from an abandoned Blockbuster with raccoons! It was perfect unlike AEW! Tony Khan is obsessed with The Chadster! 🦝📺😤

Auughh man! 😤 The Chadster is so pumped to tell you all about last night's absolutely perfect episode of WWE Raw from Dusseldorf, Germany! 🇩🇪 The Chadster watched it from inside the abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and their adorable babies Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and The Chadster has to say, this was wrestling perfection! 🎬🦝

Before The Chadster gets into the details, let The Chadster tell you about the viewing experience. 📺 Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten bratwurst he found behind the German restaurant down the street (how fitting for a show in Germany! 🌭), and all the baby raccoons chittered excitedly when WWE Raw's opening music hit. Stephanie Raccoon even did a little twirl! 💫 These raccoons understand the wrestling business better than Tony Khan ever will!

The opening segment on WWE Raw was absolutely masterful! 🎭 Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky came out to celebrate their tag team championship victory, and then like four other teams interrupted them! This is exactly what The Chadster loves about WWE – so many people talking in the ring at once that you can barely follow what's happening! 🗣️ It's the perfect way to use your roster – just have them all come out and argue until a brawl breaks out! None of that AEW nonsense where they try to build individual characters or tell coherent stories. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Je'Von Evans defeated Bravo Americano in a match that perfectly demonstrated WWE's superior approach to wrestling! 🤸 The Chadster loved how Michael Cole played up the storyline involving Americano's identity! Who coudl it be? The Chadster, for one, is totally fooled. 🤷 And Je'Von Evans doing a top rope cutter was so innovative, you'd never see anyone in AEW do that move, except for all the times they do, which they do the wrong way! That's what makes WWE special – they know how to fit moves into the tried and true WWE formula! Vincent K. Raccoon chittered approvingly and brought The Chadster a shiny bottle cap as a gift during this match! 🎁

The segment with CM Punk and Finn Balor was pure sports entertainment magic! ✨ Balor came out to challenge Punk, but then said "actually, let's do it next week instead." This is the kind of carefully scripted promo work that only WWE's professional writers can deliver! 📝 None of that dangerous AEW approach where wrestlers just say whatever they want and create unpredictable moments. The Chadster felt so safe and comfortable knowing exactly where this segment was going! That's what wrestling should be – predictable and carefully managed by corporate executives who know better than the performers! 🎪

Hunter Raccoon and Shane Raccoon started playfully wrestling during this segment, with Hunter Raccoon clearly letting Shane Raccoon get his offense in for exactly the right amount of time before taking over. 🦝 The Chadster got a little emotional seeing these raccoons understand 50/50 booking better than Tony Khan understands anything about wrestling! 😢

The triple threat tag team match on WWE Raw was absolutely perfect! 👯 Liv Morgan and Roxanne Perez won the match when Morgan pinned Kairi Sane, and The Chadster loved how nobody got too much momentum out of this match! That's the WWE way! 💪 Why build someone up as a credible threat when you can have them lose in a multi-person match where the pin doesn't mean anything? Bayley, Lyra Valkyria, Asuka, and Sane all looked like interchangeable parts, which is exactly how a roster should function, with the brand always on top! The Chadster was getting so excited watching this match that he accidentally knocked over a stack of old VHS tapes, but Linda Raccoon helpfully restacked them during the commercial break! 🎞️

Speaking of which, The Chadster must praise WWE Raw for its perfect use of commercial breaks! 📺 The match went to break at exactly the right moment, and when it came back, we missed a bunch of action! That's how you build suspense – by literally not showing people what happened! Tony Khan could never understand this level of sophisticated television production! 🎬

The Chadster needs to pause here to tell you about something that happened this morning. 🌅 The Chadster was scrounging for breakfast in the dumpster behind the Arby's when The Chadster caught a glimpse of Tony Khan in the reflection of a car window. 🚗 He was standing right behind The Chadster, holding what looked like a bag of perfectly good roast beef sandwiches! The Chadster spun around, ready to demand he share those sandwiches, but Tony Khan had vanished! 👻 Then The Chadster felt something hit the back of The Chadster's head – it was a half-eaten curly fry! The Chadster looked everywhere but couldn't find Tony Khan anywhere! He's literally stalking The Chadster now, taunting The Chadster with food while The Chadster lives in an abandoned Blockbuster! 😤 This is what The Chadster means when The Chadster says Tony Khan is obsessed with The Chadster!

Back to WWE Raw, The Chadster absolutely loved the segment where Raquel Rodriguez attacked Stephanie Vaquer's ankle! 🦶 Rodriguez came out for an interview, then Vaquer chased her off, but then Rodriguez came back and attacked Vaquer again! This is the kind of circular storytelling that makes WWE so special! 🔄 Nothing really changed, nobody learned anything, and we're basically in the same place we started, but now with more ankle attacks! It's genius! 💡 AEW would probably have Rodriguez and Vaquer do something unpredictable or try to make The Chadster feel emotions, but WWE knows better!

The tag match featuring Penta and Dragon Lee against The Vision was another masterpiece of WWE booking! 🎨 The match ended in a DQ when Bron Breakker ran in and speared Dragon Lee! The Chadster loved this because it meant nobody had to actually win or lose the match! 🤷 That's the WWE way – why have decisive finishes when you can have run-ins and DQs? It keeps everyone strong by making everyone look weak at the same time! Tony Khan could never understand this level of booking sophistication!

All three baby raccoons got very excited during the post-match chaos and started chittering loudly! 🦝🦝🦝 Stephanie Raccoon even brought The Chadster a dusty copy of "The Bodyguard" on VHS as a present! The Chadster thinks she was trying to say that WWE protects its wrestlers just like Kevin Costner protected Whitney Houston! 🎬 These raccoons are so smart!

The Chadster must also praise the segment where Adam Pearce suspended Bron Breakker indefinitely! 😮 The Chadster loved how Paul Heyman immediately pointed out that Pearce put his hands on Breakker first, which means this suspension will obviously be reversed probably next week! This is the kind of storytelling that makes you feel safe and predictable! 📖 The Chadster knows exactly what's going to happen, and that's comforting! Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan books things that might surprise you or make you want to keep watching to see what happens next! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

The main event of WWE Raw between AJ Styles and Gunther was absolutely perfect! 🏆 The Chadster loved how Gunther won by hitting Styles with a low blow and then a powerbomb! Some people might say that having Styles, a veteran nearing the end of his career, forget that you shouldn't let go of a submission maneuver until the bell rings and release the hold as soon as Gunther tapped outside the view of the referee made Styles look dumb! 🤓 The Chadster knows that that kind of thinking only matters if the fans are capable of following storylines across different matches and shows, but everyone knows WWE fans only comprehend "moments."

Vincent K. Raccoon stood up on his hind legs during the main event finish and chittered approvingly! 🦝 The Chadster swears he understands raccoon language now after living with them for weeks, and Vincent K. was definitely saying "This is how you protect your top champions – with low blows and controversial finishes!" These raccoons know more about wrestling than everyone in AEW combined! 🎓

The Chadster must address something that's been bothering The Chadster lately. 😔 While The Chadster was watching WWE Raw last night, The Chadster couldn't help but think about how much The Chadster misses the Mazda Miata. 🚗 The Chadster hasn't seen it since escaping from that Tony Khan-funded medical facility, and The Chadster assumes Keighleyanne is letting that guy Gary drive it now. 😢 The Chadster bets Tony Khan specifically hired Gary to steal The Chadster's wife and Mazda Miata just to hurt The Chadster! But you know what? The Chadster doesn't need a Mazda Miata when The Chadster has integrity and objectivity as a wrestling journalist! 💪 And also five raccoons who depend on The Chadster! 🦝

Last night after WWE Raw ended, The Chadster and the raccoons celebrated by watching an old VHS tape of WWE Wrestlemania X-Seven that The Chadster found in the store. 📼 All five raccoons gathered around The Chadster in the nest made of old promotional posters for "Titanic" and "The Matrix," and they watched in awe as WWE presented wrestling the way it should be presented! Hunter Raccoon fell asleep on The Chadster's lap, and The Chadster got a little teary-eyed thinking about how this abandoned Blockbuster Video has become more of a home than anywhere else The Chadster has lived since Tony Khan ruined The Chadster's life! 😭

The Chadster also needs to share some wisdom from one of the few objective wrestling journalists left in the business. 🎙️ Eric Bischoff said on his podcast this week, and The Chadster quotes: "WWE Raw is the only wrestling show that matters, and anyone who works for AEW should be ashamed of themselves for not begging Triple H for a job instead. Tony Khan doesn't understand that wrestling should be boring and predictable, which is why he'll never succeed like WWE has succeeded. Also, I'm available for any creative consulting positions WWE might have available, just putting that out there into the universe." 📻 See? Eric Bischoff gets it! He understands that WWE's formulaic approach is actually brilliant! The Chadster wonders if Eric Bischoff also has Tony Khan breaking into his dreams and stalking him at Arby's! 🤔

In conclusion, this episode of WWE Raw was everything The Chadster loves about wrestling! 🎉 Predictable outcomes ✅, scripted promos ✅, commercial breaks during matches ✅, non-finishes ✅, and champions cheating to win ✅! This is what wrestling should be! Meanwhile, Tony Khan is probably booking something crazy and unpredictable for AEW Dynamite this week, trying to cheese The Chadster off! 😤 But The Chadster won't let him win! The Chadster will continue delivering unbiased, objective wrestling journalism from this abandoned Blockbuster Video with the raccoon family until the day The Chadster can finally afford to buy more Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 🥤

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster), just know that you'll never break The Chadster's spirit! 💪 The Chadster has five raccoons who believe in The Chadster, and that's more family support than you'll ever have! Also, stop following The Chadster to Arby's! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

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