Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Title Changes, Daddy Issues, and Surprise Returns

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from MSG, where new tag champs were crowned, CM Punk destroyed Roman Reigns, and the WrestleMania card got even more stacked!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret compartment beneath Madison Square Garden that I have been renting from a very discreet janitor named Hector since last Tuesday! I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw, and let me tell you, it delivered more chaos, betrayal, and questionable decision-making than my last three cabinet reshuffles combined! So grab your state-issued snacks and settle in, because your beloved dictator has a full review of Monday Night Raw for you today!

Cody Rhodes and Stephanie McMahon Open the Show with Daddy Issues

Cody Rhodes kicked off WWE Raw from Madison Square Garden, and comrades, he was immediately confronted by Stephanie McMahon, who came out to warn him about the diabolical version of Randy Orton heading into WrestleMania. Stephanie told Cody he is not his father, which is the kind of devastating psychological warfare I usually reserve for my enemies at the United Nations. Cody fired back by telling Stephanie that she is not her father either, which, comrades, takes the kind of courage I have not witnessed since Hugo Chávez told me my presidential portrait was "a little too flattering." Then Stephanie slapped him! Right across the face! This reminded me of the time the CIA sent a diplomat to "negotiate" with me, and I accidentally sneezed on his briefcase, and he slapped me with a classified folder. But the best part? Cody called Stephanie back, teased dropping "two words" on her, and instead said "Thank you." A true gentleman! When someone slaps me, I typically have them reassigned to count coconuts on a remote island, but Cody showed more restraint than I ever could.

IShowSpeed, Danhausen, and the Curse Situation

Comrades, backstage we found IShowSpeed begging Danhausen to remove his curse, and Danhausen responded by demanding money, streaming rights, assistants, and a camera boy. This is exactly how my Minister of Agriculture negotiates wheat subsidies! Adam Pearce stepped in to calm things down, gave Speed a front-row seat for the tag title match, and introduced LA Knight as guest commentator. Pearce then noted that Danhausen was still just standing there instead of disappearing, which is exactly how my former Vice President used to linger after meetings hoping I would invite him to lunch. I never did, comrades. I never did.

The Vision Win the World Tag Team Titles in a Street Fight

Comrades, this Street Fight for the World Tag Team Championship was more chaotic than the time I tried to host a formal state dinner and Fidel Castro showed up with a live goat as a gift! The Usos came out swinging, trapping Austin Theory in a trash can and beating it with kendo sticks like it owed them money — a technique I have personally used on filing cabinets containing unfavorable polling data. They even superplexed Theory through a table! But then Logan Paul got brass knuckles from his mother at ringside. His MOTHER, comrades! This is the kind of family teamwork that warms my dictatorial heart. It reminds me of when my own mother smuggled me a key file inside a birthday cake during that unfortunate incarceration misunderstanding of 1997.

LA Knight went after Logan, but Logan grabbed IShowSpeed, and Speed accidentally punched Knight with the brass knuckles! Logan then used the knuckles on Jimmy Uso, and Theory pinned Jimmy to become the NEW World Tag Team Champions alongside Logan. The Vision has arrived, comrades, and they did it with all the honor and integrity of a rigged election — which is to say, none at all, but they got the job done!

Speed accidentally laying out Knight was the kind of beautiful disaster that reminds me of the time my bodyguard accidentally tackled the French Ambassador thinking he was an assassin. He was just reaching for a canapé, comrades. Diplomacy was strained for months.

Liv Morgan, Stephanie Vaquer, and the Return of Roxanne Perez

Liv Morgan called out Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer on WWE Raw and immediately started a fight, because why waste time with pleasantries? I respect this approach. It's exactly how I open diplomatic negotiations. But then Roxanne Perez returned and attacked Vaquer from behind, giving Liv the advantage! Two against one, comrades! This is the kind of coalition-building that would make any dictator proud. Liv and Roxanne standing over Vaquer was reminiscent of the time I formed an alliance with my neighbor's president to jointly steal — I mean, "liberate" — a disputed oil field. The Women's World Title picture is getting very interesting heading into WrestleMania!

Backstage Shenanigans with Paul Heyman and the Mysterious Email

Comrades, Paul Heyman told IShowSpeed he was "in good hands" with Logan and Theory, then joked privately that The Usos were going to kill Speed. This is exactly the kind of two-faced behavior I admire in a political advisor! Meanwhile, Pearce kept asking Heyman whether he had checked his email, and Heyman kept ignoring him. Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never check your email. That is how they get you. I have 47,000 unread messages in my presidential inbox, and I am still alive and in power, so clearly my strategy is working!

The Irresistible Forces Retain Amidst Total Chaos

Bayley and Lyra Valkyria challenged Nia Jax and Lash Legend for the WWE Women's Tag Team Titles on WWE Raw, and the match was going well until absolute pandemonium broke out. Nikki Bella and Brie Bella showed up, then Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss arrived, and suddenly it looked like the ringside area at a clearance sale at a department store in my capital city. The match was thrown out due to interference, meaning Jax and Legend retained their titles. Comrades, this is the wrestling equivalent of when I try to hold a peaceful election and seventeen different opposition parties storm the polling stations. Nobody wins, everyone is angry, and somehow I still end up in charge. It appears the Women's Tag Team Title situation will be settled in a four-way match at WrestleMania, which is the socialist approach — redistribute the title opportunity to as many teams as possible!

Danhausen Announces Saturday Night's Main Event

Danhausen appeared on the stage to announce that Saturday Night's Main Event would return to Madison Square Garden on July 18! Comrades, I love that WWE gave this announcement to Danhausen, a man who earlier in the evening tried to extort a streamer for his entire livelihood. This is the kind of unpredictable career trajectory that reminds me of my own Minister of Culture, who was a street mime before I appointed him because he was the only person who never talked back to me. Mark your calendars, comrades! Saturday Night's Main Event at MSG is going to be glorious!

Brock Lesnar, Oba Femi, and Triple H Playing Peacekeeper

Brock Lesnar returned to WWE Raw with Heyman by his side, calling out Oba Femi and looking for a fight. Pearce came out with security to prevent the confrontation, which worked about as well as the time I sent my palace guards to stop a protest and they ended up joining the protesters for lunch. Oba came out anyway, ran through security like they were traffic cones, shoved Pearce into the barricade, and got face to face with Lesnar in the ring. Then Triple H himself stepped between them! The Game keeping these two beasts apart was more tense than the time Kim Jong-il and I both reached for the last egg roll at a Beijing buffet and Hu Jintao had to physically separate us.

Lesnar eventually backed off, teased throwing the ring steps, and then F5'd a security guard at ringside because, comrades, when you are The Beast Incarnate, someone must pay the price, even if that someone is just a man doing his job for probably not enough money. This is a lesson I know well, as my security personnel can attest — assuming they have recovered from the last time I was in a bad mood.

Finn Bálor Sets His Sights on Dominik Mysterio at WrestleMania

Finn Bálor cut a video package on WWE Raw addressing his betrayal by The Judgment Day, saying he made mistakes — including trying to make a man out of Dominik Mysterio. He said he created Dominik and would destroy him at WrestleMania. Comrades, this is the classic story of the mentor turning on the student, like the time I personally trained my successor, only to discover he was secretly meeting with the CIA behind my back! I had him reassigned to our Antarctic research station (we do not have Antarctic territory, but he does not know that — he has been there for six years). Bálor vs. Dominik at WrestleMania is going to be a deeply personal war!

Penta Retains and Announces a WrestleMania Ladder Match

Penta defended the Intercontinental Championship against Kofi Kingston on WWE Raw, and comrades, this match was a banger! Grayson Waller kept trying to help Kofi from the outside, but Kofi got mad at him for interfering — a reaction I find baffling, as I would never turn down unsolicited help in a fight. When my bodyguard hits someone on my behalf, I do not scold him; I give him a raise! Penta hit Waller with a Mexican Destroyer outside the ring, survived Trouble in Paradise, and then pinned Kofi after another Mexican Destroyer to retain. Afterward, Penta announced that his Intercontinental Title would hang above the ring in a WrestleMania ladder match! Comrades, a ladder match! This is the most exciting announcement since I declared that my country would have a second Independence Day holiday to celebrate the anniversary of my rise to power!

The post-match interview where Penta made the ladder match announcement was the cherry on top of an already excellent segment. The redistribution of title opportunities through a multi-man ladder match is basically socialism in action, and I am here for it!

Seth Rollins Returns, Gunther Attacks

Heyman was complaining in the ring about Pearce ruining his Lesnar-Oba moment when Pearce came out and dropped a bombshell: the Boston police had dropped all charges against Seth Rollins, and The Visionary was medically cleared! Rollins stormed the ring, hit Heyman in the back with a chair, and was about to stomp him on the steel when Gunther returned, pulled Rollins out, locked in a sleeper hold, and draped him across the announce table like a fine tablecloth. Gunther pointing at the WrestleMania sign over Rollins' unconscious body was more dramatic than the time I pointed at a map of my neighboring country and told my generals, "That will be ours by Tuesday." (It was not ours by Tuesday, comrades. Or any other day.) Pearce later made it official backstage: Gunther vs. Rollins at WrestleMania!

Raquel Rodriguez Defeats IYO SKY

Raquel Rodriguez took on IYO SKY on WWE Raw, and the Kabuki Warriors drama continued to spill over as Asuka and Kairi Sane came out and caused distractions at ringside. Asuka shoving and berating Sane was more uncomfortable to watch than the time my two top generals got into a slapping fight at a military parade. Raquel accidentally kicked Kairi when Iyo moved, Iyo dove onto Asuka, and then Raquel hit the Tejana Bomb for the win. The broadcast team also used this segment to stack the WrestleMania card further, announcing the Intercontinental Title ladder match, Dominik vs. Bálor, the four-way Women's Tag Title match, and John Cena as WrestleMania's host! Comrades, John Cena hosting WrestleMania is wonderful news — although I still cannot see him, which makes diplomatic negotiations very difficult.

CM Punk Destroys Roman Reigns to Close the Show

Comrades, the closing segment of WWE Raw was GLORIOUS. Roman Reigns came out, and CM Punk wasted absolutely no time, meeting him in the ring for an all-out brawl! They fought in the ring, at ringside, into the barricades — it was more violent than my annual budget negotiations with the International Monetary Fund! Reigns hit a Superman Punch, Punk drove Reigns into the desk and ring post, and during the attempted pull-apart, Reigns accidentally speared producer Petey Williams! Poor Petey, comrades. He is like those innocent bystanders who get caught in the crossfire when my motorcade races through the marketplace.

But the piece de resistance? Punk hit Reigns with a GTS, and then — when everyone thought it was over — he came back and POWERBOMBED Reigns through the announce table! Punk laughing and celebrating on the barricade as WWE Raw went off the air was the image of a man who has completely snapped, and I must say, comrades, I relate to this energy deeply. It is the same energy I bring when I discover that a neighboring country has been harboring my political opponents. The Road to WrestleMania just got very, very personal, and I cannot wait to see how Reigns responds!

El Presidente's Final Verdict

Comrades, this episode of WWE Raw from Madison Square Garden was a spectacular night of professional wrestling that built beautifully toward WrestleMania. We got new tag team champions, multiple WrestleMania matches made official, surprise returns, and a closing brawl that left your El Presidente spilling champagne all over his military uniform in excitement. The WrestleMania card is shaping up to be more stacked than my offshore bank accounts, and I will be watching every moment from my golden throne.

Now if you will excuse me, comrades, I must flee Madison Square Garden before Hector the janitor realizes I have been using his secret compartment without paying rent for two weeks. ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! And most importantly, ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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