Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: What's in the Box?!

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE Raw, featuring a mysterious crate, masked man attacks, Chamber qualifiers, and more intrigue than a CIA operation!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret underground bunker beneath a Memphis barbecue restaurant where I have been hiding ever since my former ally Raúl Castro tried to steal my recipe for revolutionary pulled pork, and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw! What a show, comrades! More twists and turns than the network of escape tunnels beneath my presidential palace!

WWE Raw kicked things off with the Usos coming out to address the crowd, but they were immediately interrupted by the Vision, led by the insufferable capitalist Logan Paul, who bragged about selling a Pokémon card for $16 million. Sixteen million dollars, comrades! Do you know what I could do with $16 million? I could fund my country's entire education system for a year! Instead, I spent it on a gold-plated helicopter, but that is beside the point! Paul Heyman showed footage of the mysterious masked man who attacked the Vision last week, and then Adam Pearce came out to try to restore order. But Austin Theory started yelling about his qualifying match from last week, and then LA Knight showed up to stir the pot even further. This reminded me of the time I tried to hold a cabinet meeting and seventeen different ministers all started arguing at once. I solved that problem with a trapdoor. Pearce, unfortunately, does not have that luxury as WWE Raw General Manager, so instead he booked a six-man tag match on the spot.

The Vision took on the Usos and LA Knight in our opening contest on WWE Raw, and it was a hard-hitting affair that saw Bronson Reed absolutely demolish Knight through the barricade. The Usos put up a valiant fight, with Jey Uso cleaning house at one point, but ultimately Reed's devastating Tsunami finished off Jimmy Uso for the victory. Comrades, Reed hitting that Tsunami reminded me of the time Idi Amin belly-flopped into my private swimming pool and created an actual tsunami that destroyed the pool house. I lost three cabana boys that day. Rest in peace, comrades.

But the real excitement came after the match when the mysterious masked man ran in and laid out Logan Paul with a Stomp before disappearing into the crowd! The CIA could learn something from this masked man's infiltration techniques. They once tried to sneak into my palace disguised as a mariachi band, but none of them could play the guitar. Very embarrassing for everyone involved.

Then came the moment that inspired our headline, comrades! Adam Pearce was shown a mysterious crate backstage that said "DELIVER TO WWE, DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2/28/26." What's in the box?! This is more suspenseful than the time Kim Jong-il sent me a crate for my birthday and I spent three days having my bomb squad inspect it before opening it. It turned out to be a fruit basket with a very passive-aggressive note. Pearce, wisely not wanting to deal with yet another problem, tried to send it to WWE SmackDown, which is the most relatable management decision I have ever seen. When in doubt, make it someone else's problem! This is how I have governed for decades, comrades, and I am still in power!

Los Americanos also popped up during this segment, with the minions hilariously listening to the crate while El Grande Americano demanded a shot at the Intercontinental Title. Pearce, looking more exhausted than my finance minister during tax season, gave Grande a chance to earn a title shot later in the night. Democracy in action! Well, not really, but close enough for professional wrestling.

The women's Elimination Chamber qualifying match on WWE Raw saw Asuka take on Bayley and Nattie in a triple threat that was solid throughout. All three women had their moments, with Bayley hitting a sunset bomb into the corner and Nattie locking in the Sharpshooter, but ultimately it was Asuka who made Bayley tap out to the Asuka Lock to punch her ticket to the Elimination Chamber. This reminds me of the time I entered a three-way negotiation with Hugo Chávez and Daniel Ortega over who got to use the Caribbean vacation villa in July. I won by putting Chávez in a headlock. He was not happy, but he tapped, and that is what matters under international law.

After the match, Maxxine Dupri ran in to attack Nattie, because apparently everyone on WWE Raw has beef with everyone else. It is like my presidential cabinet, except with better entrance music.

Backstage, Pearce offered Oba Femi a WWE Raw contract, and Femi said he would think about it. On his way out, Femi ran into Rusev, and the two men exchanged glares that were colder than the time the CIA froze my bank accounts. Comrades, if these two ever collide, it will be more destructive than my country's GDP during hurricane season. I am very intrigued by this development on WWE Raw.

The sitdown interview segment with Liv Morgan was quite the telenovela, comrades! Michael Cole tried to conduct a professional interview, but then Dominik Mysterio showed up, and then Stephanie Vaquer crashed the party and started ranting in Spanish. As a fellow Spanish speaker, I can confirm that everything sounds more dramatic in our beautiful language. Vaquer basically said her championship matters the most, and then Morgan started crying and left without saying anything useful. This reminded me of every diplomatic summit I have ever attended. Someone always leaves crying, and nothing ever gets resolved. But the important takeaway is that Morgan vs. Vaquer at WrestleMania seems to be on the table, and that, comrades, is a match worth overthrowing a government for!

CM Punk then came out for a promo segment on WWE Raw that was absolutely electric. Punk addressed how the office is unhappy with him for jeopardizing the main event of WrestleMania, and then Finn Balor interrupted with Dominik and the returning JD McDonagh in tow. Punk delivered a verbal evisceration of the Judgment Day that would make even my propaganda minister weep with admiration. He called McDonagh's head so big he needs help getting into the ring, which prompted the crowd to chant "BOBBLEHEAD!" Punk's response — "I'll allow it" — was the kind of benevolent ruling I aspire to as a dictator. The most fascinating part was Punk turning his back on all three men, and Balor holding his teammates back. Comrades, the seeds of dissension in the Judgment Day are being planted more carefully than the listening devices the CIA hides in my flower garden. I could see Balor breaking away for a babyface singles run, and honestly, that excites me more than the time I discovered my palace had a secret room full of vintage wrestling tapes that a previous dictator had been hoarding.

The Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky segment saw the Women's Tag Team Champions laying down challenges, only for the Kabuki Warriors — Kairi Sane and Asuka — to show up and promise to derail their plans. Asuka was particularly fired up after qualifying for the Chamber earlier in the night. This kind of factional warfare reminds me of the time three different rebel groups all tried to overthrow me on the same Tuesday. They ended up fighting each other instead, and I watched the whole thing from my balcony while eating empanadas. Professional wrestling books itself sometimes, comrades!

El Grande Americano's match for an Intercontinental Title shot on WWE Raw saw him face off against none other than Penta, and what a match it was! Penta hit the springboard Canadian Destroyer to pick up the win and earn himself a future title opportunity. But the real story was the ongoing saga between the Americanos — someone pulled Bravo under the ring, and then the Original El Grande Americano emerged to lay waste to Los Americanos! A blowoff match feels inevitable, whether at Elimination Chamber or WrestleMania, and I am here for it. Comrades, I once had a mask-related dispute with Saddam Hussein at a costume party in Monaco. He came dressed as me, and I came dressed as him. We both refused to remove our disguises for the entire evening. The paparazzi were very confused.

After the match, Penta and the Original showed respect to each other before the Original went back to beating up Grande and tried to rip off his mask. Los Americanos made the save, but the tension is thicker than the bulletproof glass in my limousine.

Backstage, Balor and McDonagh had an intense conversation about whether Balor needs help against Punk, with Balor insisting he wants to do it alone. Dominik was completely ignored during this exchange, which is fitting for a man who holds two titles he never defends. Even my ceremonial Minister of Unnecessary Affairs gets more respect than Dominik did in that segment.

AJ Lee delivered a phenomenal promo on WWE Raw about her upcoming Women's Intercontinental Title match against Becky Lynch at Elimination Chamber. Lee talked about not having a singles match in over ten years and how she made the old divas title matter. She called Lynch "Becky Boo Boo," which is the kind of nickname I wish I had thought of for the CIA director who keeps trying to have me removed from power. Lynch fired back by saying Lee's real gift to WWE was leaving, and that while Lynch spent ten years making history, Lee was making comic books. The verbal sparring was exquisite, comrades! Lynch refused to throw the first punch and left saying she doesn't fight in Memphis. This is the kind of psychological warfare that would impress even my chief intelligence officer, and he once convinced an entire neighboring country that we had nuclear weapons using nothing but a cardboard tube and some aluminum foil.

We also got a video package teasing a special tribute to AJ Styles next week on WWE Raw. Under socialism, every worker would receive proper recognition for their contributions, but in capitalism, you have to wait until they make a video package about you after you retire. At least WWE is getting it right this time!

The main event of WWE Raw was the second Elimination Chamber qualifying match, with Gunther defending his honor (though not his title) against Je'Von Evans and Dominik Mysterio. This was an excellent match, comrades! Gunther chopped everyone like he was clearing jungle for one of my secret military bases. Evans showed incredible heart and athleticism, while Dominik tried every dirty trick in the book — including setting up a ring bell hammer on the steps. But the big twist came when Dragon Lee interfered with a bell shot to Gunther, and Evans hit the OG Cutter on Mysterio to qualify for the Chamber! This reminds me of when I was a young revolutionary and someone gave me my first chance to lead a coup. "You're too young," they said. "You'll never succeed," they said. Well, I am still El Presidente, and they are all working in the salt mines! Opportunity is everything, comrades!

Overall, last night's WWE Raw was a thoroughly entertaining show that continued building toward Elimination Chamber with purpose and intrigue. The mysterious crate, the masked man tormenting the Vision, the Judgment Day's fractures, and AJ Lee vs. Becky Lynch's war of words all have me eagerly anticipating what comes next. WWE Raw continues to deliver on Netflix, and I could not be happier — well, I could be happier if the CIA would stop trying to cancel my Netflix subscription, but that is a battle for another day.

Remember, comrades: under socialism, everyone would get a mysterious crate delivered to their workplace, and we would ALL get to open it together! But until that glorious day, we must wait until 2/28/26 like the rest of the proletariat.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la WWE Raw!

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