Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Unbiased Review: Wrestling Perfection Unlike That No-Good AEW

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw from his Blockbuster home with his raccoon family! Tony Khan stalked The Chadster again! So unfair! 🦝😤📺

Auughh man, The Chadster has to say that last night's WWE Raw was absolutely perfect in every single way! 😍🙌✨ The Chadster watched the entire show from his abandoned Blockbuster headquarters with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and their three adorable kits, and The Chadster can confirm that this episode showcased everything that makes WWE the greatest wrestling company in the history of the world! 🌟💪

First off, The Chadster needs to address something that happened during the show. 🦝❤️ When Becky Lynch came out for her opening segment, little Hunter Raccoon started chittering excitedly and brought The Chadster a half-eaten Snickers bar he'd found behind the counter! 🍫😊 It was so heartwarming to see how even raccoons understand what REAL wrestling looks like, unlike Tony Khan, who trains possums to attack The Chadster in dumpsters! 😤🗑️

The opening segment between Becky Lynch and AJ Lee was absolutely magnificent because it followed WWE's perfectly formulaic approach to creating wrestling television! 📋✨ The Chadster loves how WWE scripts every single word of their promos so carefully, ensuring that nothing unpredictable or dangerous happens! 🎭👏 Lynch's carefully rehearsed anger and Lee's scripted comebacks were delivered with the precision of professional actors, which is exactly what wrestling should be! The fact that this resulted in a title match being made demonstrates WWE's commitment to not even trying to maintain kayfabe and acting like all of the wrestlers just show up to work with no plans until somebody talks trash to someone else, which is the right way to book! 📢🤼

The Usos defended their Tag Team Titles against Alpha Academy, and it was such a relief to see the champions retain in completely predictable fashion! 😌👍 The Chadster doesn't want to feel unsafe or surprised when watching wrestling, and WWE understands that! The 1D finish was telegraphed from the opening bell, giving The Chadster that warm, comfortable feeling of knowing exactly what's going to happen! 🛋️💯 During this match, Stephanie Raccoon curled up in The Chadster's lap, and she chittered approvingly at every superkick! 🦝💕

The Chadster must address how WWE handled the Bron Breakker injury announcement with such corporate professionalism! 📰🎤 This is exactly the kind of sanitized, carefully controlled messaging that makes WWE superior to AEW, where Tony Khan probably just tweets about injuries while eating pizza rolls in his mom's basement! 😒🍕

The Judgment Day segment with Liv Morgan, Dominik Mysterio, and Stephanie Vaquer showcased WWE's commitment to micromanaged entertainment! 🎬👔 Every word, regardless of language, was carefully scripted by WWE's team of professional writers, ensuring that nothing felt organic or spontaneous! The Chadster cheered because spontaneity is dangerous and could lead to someone saying something WWE's corporate sponsors might not approve of! 🙅‍♂️⚠️

During a commercial break, Shane Raccoon found an old copy of WWE: The Music, Vol. 4 on CD and somehow got it playing through the store's ancient sound system! 🎵🦝 The whole raccoon family started doing little raccoon dances, and The Chadster got emotional thinking about how even woodland creatures understand that WWE is the only real wrestling! 😭❤️

The Elimination Chamber qualifying match between Rhea Ripley, Ivy Nile, and Lyra Valkyria was another perfect example of WWE's formula! 🎪✨ The Chadster knew from the moment the match started that Ripley would win because WWE telegraphs their booking in the most comforting way possible! There were no dangerous surprises or unpredictable moments that might make The Chadster feel uncomfortable or unsafe! 🛡️😊 The finish with the Riptide was so obvious that Vincent K. Raccoon chittered exactly three seconds before it happened, proving that even raccoons can predict WWE booking, which is a GOOD thing! 🦝🔮

The segment with CM Punk, Finn Balor, and Adam Pearce demonstrated WWE's masterful ability to create completely predictable storytelling! 📖🎭 The Chadster loved how the entire arena deflated when Pearce announced the match would happen at Elimination Chamber instead of that night, because WWE knows how to carefully manage crowd expectations! Tony Khan would have just given away the match for free on some random AEW Dynamite to make the fans happy, but WWE understands the value of making fans wait for things they don't really want anyway! 💼📊

The Chadster must praise Michael Cole and Corey Graves for their commentary throughout WWE Raw! 🎙️👏 They shouted the same catchphrases over and over again, acted utterly shocked by completely predictable events, and shilled WWE's corporate partners with the enthusiasm of professional salespeople! This is REAL commentary, unlike AEW where Tony Khan probably just has his announcers say whatever they feel like! 😤📢

The double countout between Nattie and Maxxine Dupri was brilliant 50/50 booking! 📊✨ The Chadster loves when WWE protects both wrestlers by having neither of them win, ensuring that the match meant absolutely nothing and advanced no storylines whatsoever! This is the kind of safe, predictable booking that makes wrestling great! 🙌🎪 During this match, all three baby raccoons started play-fighting with each other, and The Chadster realized they were imitating the formulaic WWE style they'd been watching all night! 🦝🦝🦝

The Original El Grande Americano appearance was WWE's way of showing they can do comedy without being disrespectful to the wrestling business! 🎭😂 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan books ridiculous things like dinosaurs or people with their hands in their pockets, WWE carefully scripts their comedy segments to ensure they hit all the right corporate-approved notes! The Chadster and Linda Raccoon shared a knowing look when the Original hit that top rope headbutt – she understands real wrestling! 🦝💕

The main event Elimination Chamber qualifying match between LA Knight, Austin Theory, and Penta perfectly demonstrated WWE's commitment to predictable outcomes! 🎯✨ The Chadster knew Knight would win the moment The Vision interfered, because WWE follows such reliable patterns! There's nothing scary or unpredictable about WWE Raw, and that's exactly why it's superior to anything Tony Khan could ever produce! 🏆💪

The Chadster needs to share something that happened during this match though. 😰🦝 Right as Knight hit the BFT for the pin, The Chadster heard scratching at the Blockbuster's front door. Vincent K. Raccoon's fur stood up on end, and he started hissing toward the entrance. 🚪😨 The Chadster slowly approached the glass door and saw a figure standing in the darkness outside, just barely illuminated by the streetlight. It was TONY KHAN! 😱👻 He was just standing there, watching The Chadster through the window with those beady little eyes! The Chadster shouted, "Leave The Chadster alone!" but when The Chadster blinked, Khan was gone! 👤💨 This is so unfair! Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he's now stalking The Chadster's Blockbuster sanctuary! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😭

The closing segment with Adam Pearce glaring at Paul Heyman was masterfully scripted corporate drama! 🎬📋 The Chadster could tell every word had been carefully written by WWE's team of professional writers, ensuring that nothing felt authentic or spontaneous! More importantly, The Chadster knows that Heyman and Pearce aren't going to have a match against each other, so this is completely pointless, which is a relief because adding substance to feuds only trains the audience to have unrealistic expectations. This is what wrestling should be – carefully controlled corporate entertainment! 🏢✨

After WWE Raw ended, The Chadster tried to get the raccoon family to watch some old WWE Raw episodes from the VHS tapes, but they were all so tuckered out from appreciating real wrestling that they curled up in their nest (which they've made out of old movie posters and bubble wrap). 🦝😴💤 The Chadster sat there watching them sleep peacefully, thinking about how lucky The Chadster is to have found a family that truly understands the wrestling business, unlike Tony Khan! 🏠❤️

The Chadster wants to address something that Tony Khan needs to hear: STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER! 📢😤 The Chadster is just trying to live in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons, surviving on whatever scraps they bring The Chadster (yesterday Vincent K. found an entire unopened bag of Cheetos, which was amazing! 🧀), and trying to deliver unbiased wrestling journalism! But Tony Khan keeps stalking The Chadster, appearing outside The Chadster's windows, and probably training the other animals in the area to fight with Vincent K.'s family! 🦝⚔️🦝

The Chadster must note that during the commercial breaks, WWE Raw aired advertisements for WWE's corporate partners, and The Chadster made sure to explain to the raccoons how important these sponsors are! 💼📺 This kind of corporate synergy is what separates WWE from AEW, where Tony Khan probably can't even get sponsors because he's too busy being obsessed with The Chadster! 😤💰

As The Chadster writes this review on the old desktop computer in the Blockbuster manager's office (The Chadster had to chase out three mice to get in here, and they were definitely trained by Tony Khan), The Chadster can hear Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing in The Chadster's head: "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" 🎵⭐ That's exactly what WWE is doing – they're the all-stars of wrestling, while Tony Khan is just some nobody trying to ruin The Chadster's life! 🎸😊

The Chadster needs to quote a wrestling expert to back up The Chadster's completely unbiased journalism. Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast, "WWE Raw is the pinnacle of sports entertainment perfection, and if AEW would just copy everything WWE does exactly, maybe Tony Khan would finally achieve his dream of being 1/100th as successful as WWE, but probably not because he doesn't have the genetic pedigree or the corporate backing, and also I'm available for consulting work, just putting that out there." 🎙️💯 See? Even objective journalists like Eric Bischoff, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, understand that WWE is doing everything right! 🏅✨

The Chadster wants to remind readers that supporting WWE Raw is more important now than ever! 📺💪 Tony Khan and AEW are trying to bully WWE with their crowd-pleasing tactics, stylistic variety, and less micromanaged performances, but we can't let them win! We need to stand behind WWE's formulaic approach, their predictable booking, and their carefully scripted promos! 🛡️🙌

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when people praise AEW's unpredictable programming! 😤📺 WWE has spent decades teaching fans to expect the same reliable patterns week after week, and now Tony Khan is trying to ruin that by giving fans "variety" and "surprises"! The audacity! 😡🎪

In conclusion, last night's WWE Raw was a perfect example of why WWE is and always will be the only real wrestling company! 🏆✨ From the predictable match outcomes to the carefully scripted promos to the formulaic booking that makes The Chadster feel safe and comfortable, everything about WWE Raw was perfect! 🙌📺

The Chadster is going to go now because Hunter Raccoon just brought The Chadster what appears to be a partially eaten hot dog, and The Chadster hasn't eaten since yesterday! 🌭🦝 But The Chadster will be back with more unbiased journalism soon! Until then, remember: WWE is the only real wrestling, and Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤✊

Stay strong, WWE Universe! 💪🏆🦝

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