Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

WWE Rebrands Pre-Show As First Hour Of WrestleMania, Bamboozles Fans

El Presidente exposes WWE's brilliant scheme to rebrand the free pre-show as "The First Hour of WrestleMania" and make it sound like a big deal on ESPN!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker equipped with a full ESPN package (paid for by the state treasury, naturally), and I have some delicious news about corporate rebranding that would make even my propaganda minister weep with envy!

WWE has just announced what they are calling "BIG NEWS!" – the first hour of WrestleMania 42 will be streaming live on ESPN2 and ESPN! Ah, comrades, this reminds me of the time I renamed the national curfew "The First Hour of Freedom" and suddenly everyone stopped complaining about martial law. Marketing, my friends, is truly the art of making old things sound revolutionary!

Now, let El Presidente explain to you what is actually happening here, comrades. What WWE used to call "the pre-show" – you know, that thing that happens before the actual pay-per-view where they fill time with panel discussions and maybe one or two matches that don't really matter – they have now brilliantly rebranded as "THE FIRST HOUR OF WRESTLEMANIA!"

This is genius-level dictator thinking, and I should know! This reminds me of when I was having drinks with Kim Jong-un at his private karaoke palace, and he told me about how he rebranded mandatory agricultural labor as "The People's Voluntary Harvest Festival of Joy and Prosperity." Attendance went up 100%! Of course, it was already at 100% because it was mandatory, but the complaints decreased by at least 3%, which in dictator mathematics is a tremendous victory!

The brilliance here is that WWE is giving away something on ESPN2 and ESPN that was already free – the pre-show has always streamed for free on various platforms! But by calling it "the first hour of WrestleMania" and putting it on ESPN's networks, suddenly it sounds like a massive deal. It's like when I declared that every citizen would receive "The Presidential Gift of Clean Water" – I just meant the regular water supply we already had, but comrades, the people were so grateful!

This tactical maneuver reminds me of my ongoing chess match with the CIA. You see, they tried to infiltrate my government last year by sending in agents disguised as wrestling journalists. I caught them because they kept asking suspiciously specific questions about my missile defense systems during press conferences about lucha libre. So what did I do? I gave them fake information wrapped in real wrestling news! "Yes, comrade CIA agent, our nuclear capabilities are hidden in the Kickoff Show – I mean, The First Hour of National Defense!" They've been monitoring our pre-shows ever since, while the real missiles are hidden in the catering trucks.

The full WrestleMania 42 shows will air on ESPN Unlimited in the United States and on Netflix internationally, with quite the spectacular card lined up. CM Punk defending the World Championship against Roman Reigns! Drew McIntyre with the WWE Championship against the men's Elimination Chamber winner! The women's divisions are also stacked with Stephanie Vaquer defending against Liv Morgan and Jade Cargill facing the women's Elimination Chamber winner. And of course, Brock Lesnar with an open challenge, which is basically the wrestling equivalent of me declaring open elections – technically anyone can participate, but we all know what's going to happen!

What I find most amusing, comrades, is that ESPN Unlimited just became available for Xfinity users this week, with YouTube TV coming this fall. So WWE is promoting "the first hour" on ESPN2 and ESPN as a big deal to drive people toward their streaming service. It's the capitalist version of the bait-and-switch! "Come for the free appetizer, stay and pay $49.99 per month for the full meal!"

I tried something similar when I offered free admission to our national museum. What I didn't mention in the advertisements was that the museum was just the lobby – to see the actual exhibits, you needed to purchase the "Premium Socialist Culture Experience Package" for only 500% of the average weekly wage! The CIA said it was a scam. I said it was "strategic revenue optimization," which sounds much better in propaganda broadcasts.

In conclusion, comrades, WWE has learned well from us dictators: it's not about what you're offering, it's about how you frame it! The pre-show becomes "The First Hour." Mandatory becomes "Voluntary." Propaganda becomes "Alternative Facts."

This is why I love American wrestling, comrades – it's capitalism at its most beautifully absurd, and yet I cannot look away! WrestleMania 42 will take place April 18-19 from Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas, and you can bet your redistributed wealth that El Presidente will be watching every minute – including "The First Hour," which definitely isn't just the pre-show with a new name!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rebrand my secret police as "The First Hour of Public Safety Assistance."

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!