WWE Shocker: Retribution Has Sold Out!

Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from atop an enormous pile of Dr. Seuss books. Not the ones that have been canceled, comrades. These are the ones that haven't been canceled yet. That's right, I am going to cancel all of them! Die, Yertle the Turtle! Die like a dog! A dog who is also a turtle! *lights pile of books on fire* Now, while those disgusting symbols of capitalist oppression go up in flames, I have a much more serious matter to discuss with you, amigos: WWE's Antifa-inspired non-political anarchist stable, Retribution, and how they have abandoned their prized ideals in the pursuit of the same material gains as the rest of the money-grubbing capitalist swine that inhabit the world of professional wrestling.

When Retribution started, they were pure, comrades. They showed up on Raw, pushed over some boxes, lit fire to a generator, and maybe chased Michael Cole away from ringside, all bold stands against WWE's corporate hegemony. But somewhere along the way, comrades, Retribution became that which they hated: just more cogs in the greed-fueled WWE machine. First, the group signed WWE contracts. Then, they gave up their democratic leadership principles to anoint one man, Mustafa Ali, as their leader. Then they began competing in matches with the intent to secure victory and rise in the ranks of WWE's roster, rather than simply attacking the participants of an existing match to wreak havoc on the means of production.

The Miz begs Retribution leader Mustafa Ali to save him from WWE's attempt to strip him of his rightfully-earned WWE Championship, but Ali refuses to get involved.
The Miz begs Retribution leader Mustafa Ali to save him from WWE's attempt to strip him of his rightfully-earned WWE Championship, but Ali refuses to get involved.

And now, in what is the final nail in the coffin of Retributions' anarchist cred, the group participated Monday in a lumberjack match, coming out with the rest of the WWE Raw roster to surround the ring during The Miz's championship defense against Bobby Lashley. From purposely trying to disrupt WWE's business operations to actively participating in the oppression of fellow WWE superstars in order to enforce the company's rules, Retribution has truly betrayed all that they once stood for.

Showing just how far they have fallen, Retribution stands aside as Hurt Business, the physical manifestation of uncontrolled capitalism in WWE, upholds the corporate hegemony by tossing The Miz back into the ring with Bobby Lashley.
Showing just how far they have fallen, Retribution stands aside as Hurt Business, the physical manifestation of uncontrolled capitalism in WWE, upholds the corporate hegemony by tossing The Miz back into the ring with Bobby Lashley.

Clearly, the only member of Retribution with any integrity left is the one who was not part of the lumberjack match on Raw this week: Reckoning. Has Reckoning become disillusioned with Retribution's lack of adherence to anarchist ideals? One can only assume that is the case, comrades. It is sad to see that the once-proud Retribution abandon their principles, but unfortunately, that is what lust for money can do to even the staunchest true believers.

Thankfully, pro wrestling still has at least one anti-capitalist hero to look up to: me! Your El Presidente is happy to serve as a role model until someone better comes along. Once, I thought Retribution may have been the ones, but no more. Until next time, comrades: socialism or death.

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!