Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown: Breaking Down Tonight's Action-Packed Showcase

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown featuring Randy Orton's rampage, The Bella Twins' revenge, Giulia vs. Tiffany Stratton, and much more, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold hot tub deep within my presidential palace, where I am preparing for what promises to be one of the most explosive episodes of WWE SmackDown in recent memory! Tonight's show airs at 8 ET/7 CT on USA, and I have all the details you need to get ready for the action, courtesy of the world's most sports entertaining capitalist conglomerate. So grab your revolutionary flag and your favorite snack, because your El Presidente is about to break it all down for you!

The Viper is on the Loose

Just one week after savagely attacking his former friend and brother, Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes, Randy Orton unleashed another vicious assault on Matt Cardona. Which Superstar will The Legend Killer ambush next?

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that you never know when a betrayal is coming. One minute you're sharing cigars with a supposed ally, and the next minute they're funding a coup against you! Randy Orton understands this philosophy better than anyone. First he attacked Cody Rhodes, his own brother in arms, and then he laid waste to Matt Cardona. Who is next? I once asked my good friend Fidel Castro the same question when he was going through his paranoid phase in the 1980s, and he said, "Everyone is next." I suspect The Viper feels the same way. The unpredictability of Orton reminds me of my own government — nobody knows who will be purged next, and that is what makes it so thrilling! Tonight on WWE SmackDown, we find out who falls victim to The Legend Killer, and I, for one, cannot wait.

The Bella Twins vs. Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair

After Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair inadvertently cost The Bella Twins a chance to win the WWE Women's Tag Team Title against The Irresistible Forces, the two teams got into a tense argument backstage. On Friday, the two teams will collide in the ring. Which tandem will get one step closer to a potential match against the champions?

Ah, comrades, nothing warms El Presidente's heart like a good factional dispute. The Bella Twins had their championship opportunity stolen from them because of the interference of Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair, and now they demand satisfaction. This reminds me of the time Kim Jong-un accidentally ate the last slice of cake at my annual Dictators' Brunch, and Alexander Lukashenko nearly flipped the entire table. Alliances are fragile things, comrades. Whether we are talking about geopolitics or the WWE Women's Tag Team division, one wrong move and everything falls apart. I believe The Bella Twins have the fire of a true revolutionary uprising behind them tonight, but Charlotte Flair is wrestling royalty, and Alexa Bliss has that unhinged energy that reminds me of my Minister of Propaganda after too much espresso. This one could go either way, and it should be an incredible match on tonight's WWE SmackDown.

Nick Aldis Provides an Update on Jacob Fatu and Drew McIntyre

After viciously brawling throughout last week's SmackDown, Drew McIntyre and Jacob Fatu plummeted off a high steel structure at the end of the show. General Manager Nick Aldis will provide an update on the condition of The Scottish Psychopath and The Samoan Werewolf.

Madre de Dios! Comrades, when I watched Drew McIntyre and Jacob Fatu plummet off that steel structure last week, I nearly spilled my imported champagne all over my military dress uniform. These two warriors have the kind of reckless hatred for each other that I have only seen in territorial disputes between neighboring dictatorships. General Manager Nick Aldis will give us the official word on their conditions tonight, but knowing these two, I suspect neither man will stay down for long. The Scottish Psychopath and The Samoan Werewolf are cut from the same cloth as El Presidente — we do not let a little thing like falling off a massive steel structure stop us from achieving our goals. I once fell out of a helicopter during an attempted CIA assassination and was back at my desk signing executive orders by lunchtime. These men have that same energy, and I expect fireworks whenever they eventually cross paths again.

Jelly Roll Steps Back Into the Ring

On Friday, Jelly Roll will step back into the squared circle for the first time since SummerSlam to take on Kit Wilson. Wilson and Jelly Roll got into a toxic slam poetry showdown that ended with Wilson attacking Jelly Roll on the March 20 edition of SmackDown. This incensed Jelly Roll, who asked SmackDown General Manager Nick Aldis for the chance to face Wilson. Can Jelly Roll claim his first win in WWE?

Comrades, let me tell you something about Jelly Roll. This man is a hero of the people. He comes from humble beginnings, he speaks truth to power through his music, and now he is stepping into the squared circle to settle a score with Kit Wilson. A toxic slam poetry showdown that escalated into a physical attack? This is exactly how things go in my presidential parliament, except we use interpretive dance instead of slam poetry, and the attacks involve considerably more tear gas. I am rooting for Jelly Roll tonight because he represents the working class, and as a proud socialist dictator, I must support the proletariat whenever possible. Wilson made the mistake of poking the bear, and tonight on WWE SmackDown, that bear fights back. Can Jelly Roll claim his first WWE victory? I believe in him!

Giulia vs. Tiffany Stratton

Will SmackDown be Tiffy's Time, or is it time for Giulia to reaffirm her dominance? Women's United States Champion Giulia is set to clash with former WWE Women's Champion Tiffany Stratton in an explosive non-title showdown on The Road to WrestleMania.

Oh, comrades, this is the kind of match that makes your El Presidente slam his fist on his mahogany desk in excitement! Giulia, the Women's United States Champion, is an absolute force of nature. She carries herself with the confidence and authority of a true leader — perhaps she should consider a career in politics after wrestling, yes? And then there is Tiffany Stratton, the former WWE Women's Champion who believes everything revolves around her. She reminds me of Saddam Hussein at our annual Dictators' Poker Night — always demanding the best seat, always flipping the chips when he loses a hand. This non-title showdown is on The Road to WrestleMania, which means the stakes are monumental even without the championship on the line. Giulia has been dominant, but Tiffany Stratton is the kind of competitor who thrives when the spotlight is brightest. Tonight's WWE SmackDown will tell us a great deal about where these two women stand heading into the grandest stage of them all.

So there you have it, comrades! Tonight's WWE SmackDown is absolutely stacked from top to bottom. Randy Orton is lurking in the shadows, The Bella Twins are out for revenge, we get an update on two men who fell off a steel structure, Jelly Roll fights for the people, and Giulia defends her honor against Tiffany Stratton. All preview information comes courtesy of WWE's official preview page, and El Presidente thanks them for fueling tonight's revolutionary excitement, and for that nice gift basket they sent me along with the denial of my request to hold the next SummerSlam in the courtyard of my palace. I'm not giving up so easily, though! You will hold a major wrestling event in my country, or you will die like dogs!

As for me, I will be watching tonight's WWE SmackDown from my private screening room aboard my presidential yacht, which is currently anchored off the coast of an undisclosed Caribbean island that the CIA has not yet discovered. My personal chef is preparing a seven-course meal, my generals are setting up the surround sound system, and I have invited several world leaders of questionable reputation to join me for the festivities. Until next time, comrades — tune in tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA, and remember: in wrestling and in revolution, the people always win!

Viva la lucha libre! Viva El Presidente!

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