Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

WWE SmackDown Review: New Tag Champs Crowned Last Night

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE SmackDown, featuring new tag team champions, Randy Orton's villainy, and violence in the parking lot!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury skybox at the Palace of Revolutionary Justice, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown, and let me tell you, it was more chaotic than the time Fidel Castro and I got into a heated debate about whether Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock was the superior wrestler. Fidel insisted on The Rock because of his eyebrow work, but I maintained that the Stunner was the superior finishing move. We nearly came to blows, comrades, until Che Guevara suggested we settle it with a ladder match. But I digress!

WWE SmackDown opened with the fallout from Randy Orton's vicious attack on Cody Rhodes last week, but before we could even process that, Drew McIntyre pulled Jacob Fatu out of a car wreck in the parking lot! Comrades, this reminded me of the time the CIA tried to sabotage my motorcade by switching my limousine with a Toyota Corolla. I was not pleased, but at least they didn't throw me through the windshield. McIntyre then cut a promo threatening everyone, only for Nick Aldis to threaten him with exclusion from the capitalist productivity machine. Ah yes, the classic capitalist threat! "Do as I say or lose your livelihood!" In my country, we handle disputes with rational discussion and only occasional tank deployments. Fatu returned to put McIntyre through the announce table, setting up what will surely be a delightful display of violence at WrestleMania.

Then we had Damian Priest and R-Truth defeating the MFT's to win the Tag Team Titles on WWE SmackDown, thanks to interference from the Wyatt Sicks. R-Truth got the pin in this one, and comrades, not even Damian Priest thought his team was actually going to win! This reminds me of the time Kim Jong-un and I entered a tag team bowling tournament in Pyongyang, and we somehow won despite Kim spending most of the match eating nachos and taking selfies. When they handed us the trophy, I had the same expression as Priest. Indeed, comrade Priest. Indeed.

The Bella Twins confronted Charlotte and Alexa Bliss backstage, leading to a spoon-based confrontation that was more tense than the Treaty of Versailles negotiations. Meanwhile, Danhausen continued his lovable and definitely not soon-to-be-played out gimmick in a segment with Johnny Gargano and Candice LeRae, demanding $20 million to fix whatever is wrong with Gargano. Comrades, this is exactly how I negotiate with the International Monetary Fund, except I usually demand $50 million and several crates of American bourbon. Danhausen later appeared in another segment with Kit Wilson and The Miz, proving you can never have too much of a good thing. Really! This is never going to get old!

Fraxiom lost to the Motor City Machine Guns on WWE SmackDown when LeRae provided a distraction and cheap shot, allowing Chris Sabin to get the rollup victory. This is like when my former Minister of Agriculture turned on me after I criticized his potato yields. Except in that case, I had him reassigned to our uranium mining division in the mountains. I wonder if WWE SmackDown has a similar policy?

Randy Orton then delivered a chilling promo explaining why he attacked Rhodes, saying the voices in his head told him to pursue the championship at any cost. Comrades, I too hear voices sometimes, but they usually just tell me to expand my DVD collection of The Real Housewives franchises. Orton's voices are apparently much more career-focused! He later attacked Matt Cardona backstage for calling him out, which is exactly what happened when my former bodyguard suggested I was "too invested" in Dancing with the Stars. Some criticism simply cannot be tolerated!

Aleister Black defeated Sami Zayn on WWE SmackDown after Trick Williams threw a drink at Zayn, distracting him and allowing Black to hit the Black Mass. Williams is quickly becoming a star, much like I became a star in the revolutionary movement after my inspired speech about redistributing the nation's professional wrestling tape library to the people. The workers deserve access to WrestleMania III, comrades!

Jade Cargill and Rhea Ripley had a tense confrontation on WWE SmackDown, with Cargill attacking the fans. This was followed by Michin and B-Fab attacking Ripley, apparently now working for Cargill after failing to beat her for the title in their various epic 2-minute encounters. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, is what I always say. Comrades, this reminds me of when Muammar Gaddafi tried to recruit my cabinet ministers to his side by promising them all gold-plated AK-47s. Ripley should watch her back, just as I had to watch mine after that incident. I eventually resolved it by challenging Gaddafi to a pose-down contest. I won, obviously.

The biggest match of WWE SmackDown saw Carmelo Hayes retain his United States Championship against Ilja Dragunov in an excellent contest that ended with Hayes reversing a powerbomb into a sunset flip. Hayes winning clean gives him credibility heading into WrestleMania, much like how my clean victory in our nation's last election gave me credibility! Of course, I was the only candidate, but that's beside the point. The people spoke with 100% of the vote, and they said "El Presidente is the people's champion!"

Pastry-themed recording artist Jelly Roll had a hilarious segment with Kit Wilson, who challenged him to a battle of words instead of a fight. Wilson pulled out a book and spoke about Jelly Roll's criminal past and weight loss methods while Jelly Roll made "your mom" jokes. Comrades, I have never seen anything so absurd, and I once watched Dennis Rodman try to explain basketball diplomacy to a confused Kim Jong-un over sake shots at 3 AM! Wilson then attacked Roll from behind, setting up their match for next week's WWE SmackDown. I cannot wait!

The Bella Twins then challenged the Irresistible Forces for the Women's Tag Team Titles in the in-ring main event of WWE SmackDown, with the Bellas looking strong until Charlotte and Alexa Bliss interfered, causing a disqualification. The Forces then destroyed everyone in sight. Comrades, this was like the time I hosted a peace summit between three neighboring dictators, and it devolved into a food fight when Hugo Chávez accused everyone of stealing his empanada recipe. By the end, there was guacamole everywhere and no peace treaty. At least on WWE SmackDown, the Bellas will probably get their championship opportunity at WrestleMania, whereas my summit ended with everyone storming out and threatening trade embargoes!

The show ended with Randy Orton luring Matt Cardona back to the ring under the pretense of an apology, only to RKO him and leave him broken while the fans chanted for more violence. This is the Orton of old, the revolutionary Legend Killer who struck fear into hearts, except, you know, middle-aged! Meanwhile, Drew McIntyre and Jacob Fatu brawled outside once again, eventually falling off a tower in a spectacular visual to close WWE SmackDown.

Comrades, this episode of WWE SmackDown was tremendous! Violence, chaos, poetry, and the inexplicable reign of R-Truth as tag team champion! This is exactly what professional wrestling should be! Now if you'll excuse me, I must prepare my own poetry to recite at the United Nations General Assembly next week. I call it "Ode to My Enemies: A Treasury of Threats." The CIA won't know what hit them!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE SmackDown!

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