Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Mark Shapiro, wrestling

WWE Ticket Prices Not Expensive Enough Yet, Says TKO Exec

Comrades! TKO executive Mark Shapiro says WWE tickets need to cost MORE! Time for wrestlers to seize the means of production! ¡Viva la revolución!

¡Saludos, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath a wrestling ring in Havana, where I am currently hosting a socialist lucha libre tournament for the people! But I must interrupt this glorious display of athletic prowess to bring you disturbing news from the world of capitalist sports entertainment!

According to our comrades at F4WOnline, who transcribed the comments from today's Goldman Sachs Communacopia & Technology Conference, TKO's chief operating officer Mark Shapiro – a capitalist pig of the highest order – has declared that WWE ticket prices are still not expensive enough! ¡Dios mío! Just when you thought the bourgeoisie couldn't squeeze any more blood from the proletariat stone!

This corporate vampiro actually said, and I quote directly from the transcription: "WWE is not where the UFC yet is on ticket yield. We have our work to do there." Work to do? Comrades, the only work that needs doing is seizing the means of production and distributing free wrestling tickets to all the workers of the world!

But wait, it gets worse! Shapiro went on to explain that "We know we have a lot of room there because Vince McMahon was primarily pricing tickets for families and wasn't totally focused on maxing the opportunity there. Now that we've seen what we can do with UFC, we're replicating that in terms of ticket yield and holding back and advance sales when it comes to OnLocation on the WWE side and it's working out really well."

Did you hear that, comrades? Even Vince McMahon – a man who once fought God in a wrestling match and tried to start his own football league twice – wasn't greedy enough for these Wall Street parasites! They're literally complaining that McMahon was pricing tickets so families could afford them! This reminds me of the time I was playing poker with Kim Jong-un and Fidel Castro's ghost, and Kim said, "You know what's more explosive than my nuclear program? WWE ticket prices!" We all laughed, but now I see he was prophetic!

The CIA once tried to infiltrate my country by offering free WrestleMania tickets to anyone who would overthrow me. Little did they know, my people couldn't afford the parking fees anyway! But now with these new "ticket yield" strategies, even CIA agents won't be able to afford to attend!

Shapiro also revealed their sinister plans for site fees, saying "there are no shortage of countries…that want to see us bring our show to town" and that "the most important to me is cash. Cash kills." Cash kills indeed, comrade Shapiro – it kills the dreams of working-class children who just want to see their hero, Cody Rhodes!

And here's the most capitalist threat of all! Shapiro warned cities: "If we have a St. Louis going up against a Des Moines, Iowa, and you want us back there and you've broken records and sold out both your arenas, you have to pay for us to come back or else we'll take it to another town. And that goes for NXT, Raw and SmackDown on the WWE side."

This is extortion, plain and simple! It's like when the CIA told me they'd stop trying to assassinate me if I'd just charge my citizens for healthcare. Never, I said! Healthcare and wrestling should be free for all!

Comrades, the time has come for the wrestlers themselves to rise up! Seth Rollins, CM Punk, Rhea Ripley – unite! Form a workers' collective! Seize the squared circle! Distribute the championship belts according to need, not greed! Create a wrestling commune where everyone gets a turn being champion!

I propose we establish the People's Wrestling Federation, where ticket prices are based on income level, steel cage matches are used to settle disputes between neighboring communes, and every show ends with a reading from Das Kapital!

Until the revolution comes, comrades, I'll be here in my bunker, streaming WWE events on the pirated satellite feed I share with Nicolas Maduro. Because if there's one thing we dictators agree on, it's that these ticket prices are more criminal than anything we've ever done! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre para todos!

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