Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: mercedes mone, wrestling

You, Yes You, Can Text Mercedes Moné for Just $99.99/Month

El Presidente reports on AEW's Mercedes Moné and her capitalist scheme offering "private" texting for $99.99/month! Is it her or an intern? Let's discuss!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my gold-plated jacuzzi where I am relaxing after a long day of nationalizing toothbrush factories and evading CIA assassination attempts. Today, I bring you news that makes even my socialist heart skip a beat at the pure, unfiltered capitalism on display!

AEW star and TBS Champion Mercedes Moné, known to many of you as "The CEO," has launched what might be the most brilliant money-making scheme since I convinced Fidel Castro to invest in my underground bunker timeshare project. For the low, low price of $99.99 per month (that's 884,536,773.37 Venezuelan bolívares, comrades!), you can now text with Mercedes Moné herself… or perhaps a tired intern pretending to be her while the real Moné counts her money on a yacht somewhere!

This revolutionary service, available at mercedesmone.com/texting-service/, promises an "exclusive," "personal," "one-on-one," and "private" texting experience with The CEO. As she says on her website: "My super fans have always been my super friends. Now, like friends, they can text me directly and privately. I'm so excited to finally be able to connect this way. Sign up and text me now!"

Ah, friendship! When I was a young revolutionary, friendship meant sharing the last can of beans during our jungle campaigns. Now, in capitalist America, friendship costs $99.99 per month! Such innovation!

The website also warns that "Spots are extremely limited, so if you want to chat with me directly, don't wait! Let's make this happen!" This reminds me of when my good friend Kim Jong-un told everyone his haircut was limited edition, and suddenly everyone in North Korea wanted it! Supply and demand, comrades!

This brilliant scheme brings back memories of wrestling's golden age of phone-based revenue generation. In fact, this may be the most outrageous phone-based display of capitalism since the legendary Mean Gene Okerlund's 1-900 number from the 1990s, where fans could call in for wrestling gossip. Although, comrades, I must say Mean Gene's service had a certain… how you say… sexy quality that Mercedes' texting service appears to lack. Not that I would know personally, of course! The CIA monitors all my 1-900 calls, so I never had the pleasure.

What makes this even more delicious is the brilliant ambiguity of it all. Who exactly will be texting you back? Is it really Mercedes taking time between championship defenses and CEO duties to respond to your message about how much you loved her match against Willow Nightingale? Or is it perhaps a team of unpaid interns working in shifts, responding with cookie-cutter messages and trying their best to forget the heinous things you weirdos are texting while Mercedes is busy living the life we all wish we had?

This reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I set up a premium pen pal service in the 80s. For just 50 dinars, people could exchange letters with "The Colonel" himself! Of course, it was actually just me in a green military cap responding to all the mail while Gaddafi was busy with his all-female bodyguard squad. We made enough money to buy three machine-gun-outfitted Toyota pickup trucks and a small oasis!

The brilliance of this service is in its marketing. By calling her fans "super friends," Mercedes has tapped into that wrestling fan desire for connection with their heroes. And what better way to feel connected than to pay $1,200 a year to send text messages that may or may not reach the intended recipient?

I must say, comrades, that while I generally advocate for the redistribution of wealth, I cannot help but admire The CEO's entrepreneurial spirit. This is capitalism at its finest – selling the illusion of personal connection at premium prices! If Mercedes ever wants to diversify her portfolio, I have some excellent investment opportunities in my country's newly nationalized turnip farms.

In conclusion, comrades, if you have $99.99 burning a hole in your pocket each month and dream of possibly maybe texting with Mercedes Moné, this service is for you! As for me, I'll stick to texting with my dear friend Vladimir, who only charges me a small favor involving international waters and several unmarked crates.

Until next time, this has been your El Presidente, reminding you that in socialism, the text messages would be free, but the response time would be measured in decades!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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