Posted in: Comics, Marvel Comics | Tagged: captain america, Comics, marvel, News with Benefits, vlad kozinkerov

Marvel Heroes Comment on Olympic Skier's Frozen Penis

Remi Lindholm traveled to the Winter Olympics in Beijing in hopes of bringing home Olympic medals to his home country of Finland, but those plans have been put on ice for now. The 24-year-old athlete instead made headlines around the world after his penis was frozen during the 50km cross-country skiing race, apparently the second time Lindholm had his penis frozen at an event.

Lindholm reportedly used a heat pack to thaw his genitals, according to a report from Reuters, commenting, "When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable."

But while Lindholm may not have won Olympic gold, he does find himself in the company of some of the world's greatest heroes. Bleeding Cool spoke to Steve Rogers, otherwise known as Captain America, who was himself frozen in ice from the period of World War 2 until, depending on who you ask, either the 1960s or the 2000s.

"You want me to talk about what?" said Rogers when asked to recount his own experience of waking up from decades on ice with a frozen penis. "That isn't anyone's business, son!"

"Oh, alright," he conceded after we explained that sharing his experience could make future generations better equipped to dealing with frozen equipment. Whispering, he added, "to be honest, I was concerned that little Eisenhower would never again be able to stand at attention and storm the pink, hairy beaches of Normandy if you know what I'm getting at. But luckily, Tony Stark was there and he just happened to have one of those newfangled devices of his, a hairdryer I think he called it, built into his suit. Thank goodness for modern technology!"

According to Rogers, Stark was so effective using the hairdryer to thaw his frozen penis, he barely felt any discomfort at all. "I would let Tony blow me again any day of the week," Rogers said.

But Rogers isn't the only Marvel hero to grapple with frozen nethers. Hell, he isn't even the only one to sometimes go by the name of Captain America. Like Rogers, his own teenage sidekick, James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, also spent the decades after World War 2 frozen, but it wasn't in a block of ice in the ocean, but inside a Soviet cryogenic tank where he brainwashed and stored in-between missions as the international cybernetic assassin, The Winter Soldier.

"Steve thinks he had it bad! Ha!" laughed Barnes coldly, sounding a little resentful. "Well, let me tell you: I had my penis frozen and thawed dozens of times! He only had to do it just once! And do you think Ivan is just standing around, thinking about how to make their brainwashed killing machine's thawing penis more comfortable? No, they probably got a kick out of the whole thing."

"We got a kick out of the whole thing," said Vlad Kozinkerov, an unpaid intern working as part of the Winter Soldier program. "They tell me, Vlad, try not to laugh when dumb American who can't handle little bit of frozen penis. So that is what I do."

"Without a doubt, it's the worst part of being frozen," added Barnes. "That's why when Disney did it, he was like, 'Please, just the head.'"

"The actual head," he clarified.

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