Shocking new evidence has emerged in the quest to prove that Wolverine has two dicks — one for f**king, and one for making love. The popular conspiracy theory has been around for years, but came to greater prominence in 2019 with Jonathan Hickman's X-Men reboot thanks largely to the work of designer Tom Muller, who became a central figure in the conspiracy theory when he unveiled the logo for the new Wolverine book, a logo rife with symbolism that Wolverine Two-Dick-Truthers believe proves they've been right all along.
The new logo follows a shifting of the status quo in the X-books that sees Wolverine, Cyclops, and Jean Grey set aside their love triangle past to become Marvel's first true throuple, with the living arrangements set up such that Jean's bedroom on Krakoa's moon settlement has joining doors with both Cyclops and Wolverine. To review, here's what the logo told us about the Dawn of X status quo: Wolverine has two dicks, one for f**king and one for making love. The one for f**king, he uses on Cyclops, while the one for making love he uses on Jean Grey. As a result of this arrangement, Emma Frost, who used to peg Scott with a purple dildo, finds herself blocked by an icy wall of emotional separation because Cyclops only has eyes for Jean and Wolverine, and only has tongue for Wolverine's butthole.
It's all right there, if you know where to look:
But the idea of a double-dicked Wolverine isn't a new one. As Bleeding Cool has investigated this theory, we've found evidence dating back over a decade. In 2013, now-defunct comic book website TheOuthousers.com reported that Jason Aaron pitched two Iceman in AC/DC t-shirts giving Wolverine a double blowjob at a Marvel creative meeting also attended by "The Great One" Brian Bendis, with Aaron quoted as claiming the idea could work because "Wolverine has two dicks." Unfortunately, The Outhouse is no longer around, so we can't ask them what else they might have known. Maybe the site went underground because they were getting too close to the truth.
Whatever the case, while that is the first known record of a Marvel employee outright stating that Wolverine has two dicks, it's not the first time the theory has been alluded to. A 2003 cover for Wolverine #6 by Esad Ribic shows Wolverine, beer bottle in hand, looking at a nude Nightcrawler. The beer bottle, according to writer Greg Rucka, was confirmed by Ribic to represent Wolverine's boner. But hidden in the image was another clue: there isn't one beer bottle in Wolverine's possession, but two, with one hidden underneath the table. If one beer bottle represents a dick, then two beer bottles represent two dicks. That's how symbolism works.
But while Ribic may have been ahead of his time in boldly referencing Wolverine's dual anatomy, a shocking new discovery reveals that writer Garth Ennis, a year earlier in 2002's Punisher #17, referenced Wolverine's two dicks in dialog after Punisher shoots Wolverine in the dicks to get him to go away. The scene was located by Nick Coglianese, proprietor of the Key Collector Comics app, a fantastic resource for comic book collectors that could only be made more useful if it also contained a section dedicated to key issues related to Wolverine Two-Dick Trutherism. Please make that happen.
Note the use of plurality in describing Wolverine's healing factor. "They'll grow back." Not "It will grow back." Clearly, Frank Castle knows exactly how many dicks Wolverine has, and Garth Ennis wanted us to know it.
Creators today aren't nearly as brave as Ennis and Ribic. In 2020, Bleeding Cool investigative journalist David Pierce was dispatched to the C2E2 comic book convention with one goal in mind: get X-writers Jonathan Hickman or Benjamin Percy on the record answering questions about Wolverine's dicks. Despite Pierce's best efforts, both men eluded the question. But tellingly, neither denied it. If Wolverine has only one dick, why not just say so? The answer is obvious: Wolverine has two dicks and both Hickman and Percy know it.
But for reasons unknown, they can't speak openly about it. Not only were both men obviously reluctant to confirm that Wolverine has two dicks, but shortly after our interviews, the entire comic book industry was shut down for months. In fact, the entire world was put on lockdown, with the WHO declaring COVID-19 a pandemic and President Donald Trump declaring the pandemic a national emergency within two weeks of those interviews. Coincidence?
Bleeding Cool is certainly not saying that the coronavirus pandemic was a hoax to prevent people from getting too close to the truth that Wolverine has two dicks: one for f**king, and one for making love. That would be crazy. But it's certainly possible that an industry hellbent on covering up the dual-dicked status of everyone's favorite Canadian mutant took advantage of the situation to aid in hiding its tracks.
What are your thoughts on Wolverine's dicks? Let us know in the comments, and be sure to share this article far and wide on all your social networks to make more people aware of the conspiracy and help us get closer to the truth.