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FOOL: Dark Horse To 'Scorch Earth' Star Wars On Their Way Out

Published Tue, 01 Apr 2014 11:00:32 -0500

Last updated Tue, 01 Apr 2014 14:06:24 -0500

Dark Horse Comics will finish publishing their Star Wars line of comic books, as Disney-owned Lucasfilm move the license to Disney-owned Marvel Comics.

But on their way out, I understand Dark Horse plan to run some plot lines that will salt the fields before Marvel take over, permanently destroying a number of characters and concepts in the minds of the fans before Marvel take over with two ongoing Star Wars monthlies. And they are using the best fanficcers out the to find the most outrageous plots and images to do so. So what can we look forward to?

The shaving of Chewbacca.

Not even death was as much of an indignity as this one. We finally get to see what is underneath a Wookie, and it's a sight you'll never be able to forget. How will you ever be able to take his roars seriously when you've seen him in the flesh, as it were?

Leia and Luke got it on.

Before they knew they were brother and sister, they spent some time together on the Death Star and Millenium Falcon. And they shared more than a kiss, when squeezed in those Millenium corridors. The only one who saw them get down and do the dirty is R2D2 and he has never squeaked and beeped about it. Until today…

Han Solo wet himself first.

In a scene inspired by Kevin Smith's Batman: The Widening Gyre, it is revealed that Han Solo did shoot first, but only because he was really sweaty and scared and his finger slipped on the trigger, killing Greedo. And while doing so, he also wee-weed in his trousers, though luckily they were too dark for anyone to see. How will anyone be able to look at this man-of-fortune with any respect or honour ever again?

R2D2 Augmented Reality Translator

A new feature on the Dark Horse digital comic book app, will be to translate anything R2D2 says in the movies or in the comics, as a series of swear words. You'll never be able to see that scene with Yoda again without cheering on R2's muppet-aimed expletives. The aim is for this to work on Marvel's comics as well.

Inserted Executives.

In a blood move, before giving up the license, Dark Horse will retell the entire Star Wars movie saga, from the point of view of two idiotic, foolish, mechanics called Tom and Axel. It will be revealed that everything from the death of Luke's parents, Ben Kenobi's light sabre being turned off mid fight and Anakin Skywalker killing all the younglings was a direct result of their tomfoolery and dickishness.

The Clone Finale.

As a final scene to wrap up the Dark Horse series, every single character in the Star Wars canon will die. And not in a force ghosty way, even they will get Ghostbustered up (it's a trap!). They will then be replaced, each and every character, even the force ghosty ones, with clones of themselves. Turns out, after the Stormtroopers were grown, the clone planet decided to just clone everyone just in case. And that's how it will end, with every character dead and any future tale being told with a clone.

Take it away, Marvel!

Chewbacca by artist Sean Williamson.

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