As the coronavirus pandemic and subsequent comics industry shutdown has comic book readers on edge, wondering when they'll get their next fix of weekly superhero chapbooks, a hero has emerged with a seemingly endless supply of clickbait article fodder to save the day. Of course we're talking about Rick Remender, who, stuck in the house himself, has been going through old file folders and showing off art and rejected story pitches from his career. Congress finally seems to be on track to pass an economic stimulus to support the economy and bail out various industries, but Rick Remender is a one-man comics media bailout with all of his tweeting.
Earlier this week, we learned about Remender's plans for taking over the X-books that never came to be after Remender told Marvel to drown in hobo piss in 2014 after they wanted him to write the corporately-mandated story that would become known as Inhumans vs. X-Men. Yesterday, we looked at Remender's rejected pitch for a Spider-Man story bursting with bug-themed baddies and saw a veritable crap ton of artwork from Remender's various creator-owned Image Comics series. We're trying to space this stuff out so we don't spend all our Remender stimulus money at once, so today let's look at Remender's rejected pitch for a Namor series.
According to Remender the story would basically be Frank Miller's Born Again, but under the sea. And as a wise crab (or was it a lobster) once said, "darlin', it's better down where it's wetter, take it from meeee!" And so Remender…
Wait a minute.
We had to look into it after that last sentence, and as it turns out, it's actually a big controversy as to whether Sebastian from The Little Mermaid is a crab or a lobster. From the Little Mermaid wiki:
According to the Disney website, official novelization and Disney-sanctioned reference material, Sebastian is a lobster. Controvery remains over Sebastian's species due to Sebastian stating he himself is a crab, as well as Chef Louis indicating as such. In The Little Mermaid TV series, he is also referred to as a crab. Since the official Disney website states that Sebastian is a lobster, we can deduce that in-character references to Sesbastian being a 'crab' are inaccurate and serve as a comedic device.
But anyway, Remender's Namor pitch takes the basic template of…
No, you know what? He's definitely a crab. Just look at him:
Now let me ask you this. If he's a lobster, then where is his tail?
What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Rick Remender's Namor pitch. So in this story, the Invaders are fighting a Japanese superhuman named The Black Sun during World War 2, and Namor is the one to defeat him, but Captain America gets the credit, making Namor sad. So Namor goes…
Now that I think about it though, "Crab" as a general term actually refers to several different animals not all of which are necessarily "true" crabs. From Wikipedia:
Many other animals with similar names – such as hermit crabs, king crabs, porcelain crabs, horseshoe crabs, and crab lice – are not true crabs.
But really, we apologize folks, we keep digressing. Why don't you just read the pitch for yourself.
Remender does have a reminder for anyone hoping these stories could be revived today:
Rick Remender, for bailing out the comics media during these difficult times, we raise a tall glass of hobo piss to you! Cheers, and thanks!