The Double Endowment Of Marvel Boy That Never Was



Just, take it away, Kieron.

As established in his original mini, Noh-Varr has a bunch of cockroach genes worked into his system. That leads to the speed, the survivability, the running on walls and all that. Presumably cockroaches have mind-control saliva on whatever Hala Noh is from too. I digress.

Anyway, I was watching a documentary that touched on a species of cockroach. I can't remember the documentary, and I could never bring myself to try and source it in case I misheard and it was a different species. Maybe it was woodlice? I was too busy gaping. The idea just amused me so much, not least as it's filed in "interesting fact about other species' genitals" part of my brain.

Basically, this cockroach has two penises. Not in a double-pronged dong-trident kind of way. Only one is in use at any time, as the other is kept for catastrophic failure.

Cockroach sex is kind of rough. During it, there's a chance that the cockroach's cock may be broken off.

If that happens, the cockroach's reserve penis, stored behind the primary one, slides smoothly into place and takes over the task of primary cockroach cock (i.e. hot cockroach cocking.

Meanwhile a new reserve penis starts to regrow. Presumably if two break in a single sex act we have the equivalent of a it's-not-me-this-has-never-happened-before conversation.

Anyway, I saw this and thought of Noh-Varr and…

You may see where this is going.

It's less of a story idea, and more of a scene. Kate and Noh-Varr spending quality time alone. We're outside the room… and we hear a scream. It's Kate's.

We move inside. Kate is starring at Noh-Varr's broken penis, lying on the bed. She's freaking out, as most of us would. Penis injuries are always bad, and this is kind of extreme.

Noh-Varr is icy calm. "It's okay, Kate. It's okay…"

There's a SCLLLLLUNK noise.

The secondary penis slides into view.

And they all lived happily ever after.

About Rich Johnston

Founder of Bleeding Cool. The longest-serving digital news reporter in the world, since 1992. Author of The Flying Friar, Holed Up, The Avengefuls, Doctor Who: Room With A Deja Vu, The Many Murders Of Miss Cranbourne, Chase Variant. Lives in South-West London, works from Blacks on Dean Street, shops at Piranha Comics. Father of two. Political cartoonist.