Posted in: Comics, Marvel Comics | Tagged: clickbait, halloween, listicles, marvel, News with Benefits, trick or treat

Trick-or-Treat: What 5 Marvel Heroes are Handing Out for Halloween

Published Mon, 31 Oct 2022 08:58:11 -0500

Halloween is just around the corner, and that means it's time for trick-or-treating! But what will some of our favorite Marvel heroes be handing out to all the little ghosts and goblins this year? As part of a new initiative here at Bleeding Cool to produce banal content in order to curry the mysterious favor of arcane search engine algorithms, we've been editorially mandated to put together a list of five of them. We decided to use the original Avengers from the movies because it required the least creativity, and we decided to cut Thor because he's a pagan so he's probably celebrating Samhain or something like that instead. Actually, we just weren't going to put in the extra effort to write six listicle entries when we're only getting paid for five. Anywhere, here is the glorious clickbait you've been waiting for: What 5 Marvel Heroes are Handing Out for Halloween This Year.

1. Captain America is Handing Out Toothbrushes for Halloween This Year… Again!

Captain America: America's patriotic superhero is known for his wholesome values… which is why he'll be passing out toothbrushes to all the trick-or-treaters this Halloween. "It's important to have good dental hygiene!" he'll say as he hands out the toothbrushes. "And besides, candy is bad for your teeth." You know what else is bad for your teeth? When you get punched in the mouth for giving out toothbrushes for Halloween. You think that just because you're the Sentinel of Liberty a kid won't let you have it for cheating them out of some candy?

2. Iron Man is Giving Trick-or-Treaters Those Little Bottles of Airplane Alcohol!

Iron Man: The billionaire playboy philanthropist and weapons manufacturer will be handing out miniature bottles of alcohol to all the trick-or-treaters. "Hey, it's Halloween!" he'll say. "Time to let loose and have some fun!" You might think that giving alcohol to children isn't very Avenger-like, but Iron Man believes he's building character because he dealt with substance abuse problems himself and look at him now: he's doing great. Really great. Of course, he's a billionaire so he doesn't really have to face real consequences for any of his actions. You know what, now this is getting depressing. Hand us a couple of those little bottles of Jack Daniels, please.

3. Black Widow is Giving Out Sweet Full-Size Candy Bars… But They've Got Surveillance Devices Hidden in Them!

Black Widow: The super spy will be handing out full-size candy bars to all the trick-or-treaters… but there's a catch. All of the candy bars are bugged. "I'm just trying to help out SHIELD," she'll say with a smirk. Thanks a lot, Black Widow. As if the surveillance state isn't bad enough as it is. Now we've all got microchips in our digestive system so Nick Fury can keep track of our diets.

4. The Hulk is the Only Avenger Giving Out Regular Candy for Halloween… But He's Been Dipping Into His Own Stash!

Hulk: The big green superhero will be giving out an assortment of candies to all the trick-or-treaters… but they're all either crushed or he's already eaten them. "Oops," he'll say with a sheepish grin. And you just have to accept it because he's The Hulk and you know how gets. Set him off, and it's all "Hulk smash!" and you could wind up dead, which would be the worst trick of all.

5. Hawkeye is Giving Out Candy Corn in Little Plastic Baggies with Rubber Bands Because Of Course He Is!

Hawkeye: The Avenger with a heart of gold will be giving out candy corn to all the trick-or-treaters. "I'm not really good at this whole Halloween thing," he'll say. "But I thought you might like this candy corn." You suck, Hawkeye! Who even let you onto the Avengers?

So there you have it! What will your favorite Marvel hero be handing out this Halloween? Let is know in the comments. That will show the search engine gods that you're interacting with the page and it will rank higher and bring us more clicks. Thanks, and Happy Halloween!

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