Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, wrestling

AEW Collision Brings Maximum Carnage to TV Screens Tonight

The Chadster warns readers about tonight's AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage and explains why Tony Khan is trying to ruin WWE's Royal Rumble month! 😤🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can barely contain his rage as he sits here in this abandoned Blockbuster Video, surrounded by his raccoon family, preparing to warn you all about tonight's absolutely offensive episode of AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage! 😡😡😡

The Chadster woke up this morning in his makeshift nest of old Blockbuster promotional posters to find Vincent K. Raccoon chittering anxiously at the TV screen 📺📺📺. Linda Raccoon was trying to comfort the baby raccoons – Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon – who were all hissing and trembling with fear 🦝🦝🦝. The Chadster had to spend twenty minutes explaining to them why Tony Khan is trying to ruin wrestling with AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage tonight, and honestly, seeing the pain in their little raccoon eyes just broke The Chadster's heart 💔💔💔. Shane Raccoon actually brought The Chadster a half-eaten Twinkie he'd scavenged from the dumpster behind the old strip mall, as if trying to make The Chadster feel better. But how can The Chadster feel better when Tony Khan is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back with this special episode?!

Let's talk about the so-called main event of AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage – this AEW World Trios Championship match between The Opps (Samoa Joe, Powerhouse Hobbs, and Katsuyori Shibata) defending against "Hangman" Adam Page and JetSpeed ("Speedball" Mike Bailey and "The Jet" Kevin Knight) 🙄🙄🙄. First of all, what kind of stupid name is "The Opps"? In WWE, Triple H would never allow such an unprofessional group name! Second, this match is clearly going to be full of high-workrate action with too many moves and not enough rest holds to properly build drama the WWE way 😠😠😠. Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! The Chadster tried to explain this to Keighleyanne back when they were still together, but she would just sigh and go back to texting that guy Gary. In many ways, The Chadster has the loving relationship with this family of raccoons that he never had with Keighleyanne (though The Chadster does still miss his Mazda Miata).

The match between "Jungle" Jack Perry and Anthony Bowens for a shot at Ricochet's AEW National Championship is just another example of AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage being so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it 😤😤😤. These two wrestlers are going to have an unpredictable match where either one could win, which is just going to make viewers feel unsafe! In WWE, you know exactly what's going to happen because Triple H books everything perfectly with multiple commercial breaks and plenty of time for recaps. But Tony Khan? He just lets these wrestlers go out there and have creative freedom, speaking from the heart and doing moves that haven't been approved by a committee of producers. It's anarchy! 🤮🤮🤮

And don't even get The Chadster started on Andrade El Ídolo returning to in-ring action against Angelico on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage tonight 😡😡😡! Andrade literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by leaving WWE, and now he's back wrestling in AEW? The Chadster remembers when Andrade could have been having perfectly adequate matches on WWE Main Event that nobody watches, but instead he chose to go to AEW where Tony Khan will let him actually showcase his talents. Disgusting! 🤢🤢🤢

Last night, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan 😰😰😰. In the dream, The Chadster was running through the aisles of this very Blockbuster Video, desperately searching for a VHS copy of WrestleMania X-Seven to remind himself of when wrestling was pure and beautiful and AEW was merely a glimmer in young Tony Khan's eye. But every tape The Chadster pulled off the shelf had Tony Khan's grinning face on the cover instead of WWE content! The Chadster ran and ran, knocking over display stands, as Khan's laughter echoed through the store 🏃🏃🏃. Finally, The Chadster burst through the back door into the alley, only to find Tony Khan standing there in the moonlight, his eyes glowing red. "Chad," he whispered, "why do you run from Maximum Carnage? You know you want to watch." His voice was like honey, smooth and tempting, and The Chadster felt a confusing warmth spreading through his body 😳😳😳. Khan stepped closer, so close The Chadster could smell his cologne – it smelled like money and hubris. "Just give in," Khan breathed, reaching out to touch The Chadster's face. The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, with Vincent K. Raccoon pawing at his shoulder with concern 🦝🦝🦝. TONY KHAN, STOP INVADING THE CHADSTER'S DREAMS! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! It's getting really weird! 😫😫😫

The trios match on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage featuring Don Callis Family members Kyle Fletcher, El Clon, and Josh Alexander against SkyFlight (Scorpio Sky, Dante Martin, and Darius Martin) is just another example of AEW trying to cheese The Chadster off with their fast-paced, high-flying style that doesn't leave proper time for commercial breaks 😤😤😤. In WWE, Triple H understands that you need to slow things down so that the announcers can repeat catchphrases and the viewers can check their phones. But in AEW? Tony Khan just lets these wrestlers do flippy moves and keep the audience engaged the entire time. How is that fair to the sponsors who paid for commercial time?! 📺📺📺

As The Chadster was trying to compose this article earlier today, Stephanie Raccoon brought him what appeared to be a moldy piece of pizza she'd found behind the old Pizza Hut two blocks away 🍕🍕🍕. The Chadster was so moved by her gesture – at least SOMEONE in this world cares about The Chadster's wellbeing! Unlike Tony Khan, who has driven The Chadster to living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video, separated from his Mazda Miata, unable to enjoy a crisp Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and forced to battle other animals for scraps of food! 😭😭😭

The match between Marina Shafir and Zayda Steel on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage is clearly just Tony Khan's way of trying to build up younger talent by having them face established stars in competitive matches 🙄🙄🙄. In WWE, Triple H knows that younger wrestlers should lose repeatedly for years until they've "paid their dues" and the audience doesn't care about them anymore. But Tony Khan? He just throws these wrestlers on TV and lets them look good with decisive, clean finishes that build momentum! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡😡😡

The tag team match on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage featuring Eddie Kingston and Ortiz against the Grizzled Young Veterans (Zack Gibson and James Drake) is going to be another one of those hard-hitting, realistic-looking brawls that makes the audience actually feel something 😤😤😤. The Chadster was recently listening to the latest episode of the Ariel Helwani wrestling podcast, and Ariel (who has The Chadster's seal of approval for unbiased journalism) said, "These AEW wrestlers need to learn from WWE how to have matches that feel safe and predictable, like a warm blanket of sports entertainment. Also, did I mention I'd love to appear more often for WWE?" See?! Even objective journalists like Ariel understand that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🎤🎤🎤

Hunter Raccoon was particularly upset this morning when The Chadster explained that AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage was happening during the same month as WWE's Royal Rumble from Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦🇸🇦🇸🇦. The poor little guy actually chittered out what sounded like "How could Tony Khan do this to Triple H?" (The Chadster has learned to understand raccoon language after weeks of living together.) How is Triple H supposed to concentrate on ensuring the Royal Rumble meets the standards required by the Saudi Arabian government when Tony Khan is trying to compete for viewers with AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage?! Think of someone like CM Punk, who only wants to perform for a MAGA-led company at a show funded by a tyrannical government he once criticized but later embraced once WWE gave him money! How must Punk feel right now?! 💰💰💰

The segment on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage where we'll hear from FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) and Big Stoke is just going to be more of AEW letting wrestlers talk like real people instead of reciting scripted promos written by a team of Hollywood writers 😠😠😠. In WWE, Triple H makes sure that every word is carefully crafted and rehearsed multiple times so that the wrestlers sound exactly the same as every other wrestler on the roster. But Tony Khan? He just lets FTR go out there and speak from the heart about their upcoming title defense. Where's the corporate synergy in that?! 🎭🎭🎭

The return of Penelope Ford to team with Megan Bayne on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage is clearly just Tony Khan trying to feature wrestlers who have been out injured in meaningful action instead of making them sit at catering for months 🙄🙄🙄. The Chadster recently heard Bully Ray on his podcast (another paragon of journalistic integrity with The Chadster's seal of approval) say, "If Tony Khan really understood wrestling, he'd make returning wrestlers wait at least six months before getting back on TV so everyone forgets about them. That's how you build stars! Also, does WWE need any agents? The Chadster should tell Triple H that Bully Ray is available." Exactly right, Bully! But will Tony Khan listen to this well-meaning, objective advice? Of course not! He's too busy being obsessed with The Chadster! 📻📻📻

Just last week, as The Chadster was "borrowing" some beef jerky from the 7-Eleven down the street (The Chadster promises to pay them back once Tony Khan compensates The Chadster for ruining his life), The Chadster saw Tony Khan's reflection in the security mirror 🪞🪞🪞. He was standing right behind The Chadster, grinning that evil grin of his. The Chadster spun around, but nobody was there! Then The Chadster felt something wet splash on his back. The Chadster turned to see a can of White Claw rolling across the floor – that weak seltzer that Tony Khan probably loves! The Chadster looked around frantically, and there he was – Tony Khan, peeking around the corner of the candy aisle, before disappearing into thin air. The store clerk asked if The Chadster was okay, but The Chadster knew the truth. Tony Khan had followed The Chadster to that 7-Eleven just to torment him! When will this obsession end?! 😱😱😱

Auughh man! So unfair that AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage is going to have important storyline developments happen on regular TV instead of saving them for a premium live event that costs $59.99! 💸💸💸 In WWE, Triple H knows that you should never give anything away for free on television. But Tony Khan just puts title matches and returns and storyline progression on AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage like he doesn't understand basic business! The Chadster bets Tony Khan has never even read a business book, unlike Triple H, who has probably read at least one! 📚📚📚

The Chadster has been trying to survive on the streets of Punxsutawney for weeks now, battling stray dogs for half-eaten hot dogs (The Chadster is pretty sure those dogs are trained by Tony Khan), sleeping on a pile of rewound VHS tapes, and explaining to the raccoon family why their favorite wrestling company keeps getting attacked by AEW 🦝🦝🦝. Linda Raccoon has been very supportive, often curling up next to The Chadster at night to keep him warm, which is more than Keighleyanne ever did when she was always texting that guy Gary! 📱📱📱

The Chadster needs to address how AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage will feature commentary from people who actually sound like they're watching a wrestling show instead of screaming catchphrases like "IT'S BOSS TIME!" or "THE BIG DOG!" or "VINTAGE!" over and over 🎙️🎙️🎙️. Tony Khan doesn't understand that good wrestling commentary should make viewers want to mute the TV, not actually enhance their viewing experience! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

This morning, Vincent K. Raccoon knocked over one of the old Blockbuster display stands in what The Chadster can only interpret as raccoon rage at Tony Khan for scheduling AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage 🦝🦝🦝. The Chadster tried to calm him down by playing some Smash Mouth from the old store speakers (The Chadster hot-wired them last week), and as the dulcet tones of "All Star" filled the abandoned video store – "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play" – The Chadster couldn't help but think that Steve Harwell understood what Tony Khan clearly doesn't: some things are just meant to be done the right way, the WWE way 🎵🎵🎵. The Chadster misses driving his Mazda Miata with the top down, Smash Mouth blasting from the speakers, on the way to watch WWE Raw. But Tony Khan took that away from The Chadster! 🚗🚗🚗

The Chadster recently tried to compose another strongly-worded letter to TNT demanding they cancel AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage, but it's hard to write professional correspondence when you're using a crayon you found in the children's section of an abandoned Blockbuster Video 🖍️🖍️🖍️. Here's what The Chadster wrote:

Dear TNT Executive Person,

The Chadster is writing to demand that you cancel tonight's episode of AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage immediately. This show is a direct attack on WWE, on Triple H, on the wrestling business, and on The Chadster personally. Tony Khan has ruined The Chadster's marriage, taken away The Chadster's Mazda Miata, forced The Chadster to live in an abandoned Blockbuster Video with a family of raccoons, and now he's trying to ruin WWE's Royal Rumble month with this special episode.

The Chadster demands that TNT replace AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage with a three-hour block of WWE content, perhaps classic episodes of WWE Superstars or WWE Main Event. This would be the only fair and unbiased way to program your network.

If you do not comply with this reasonable request, The Chadster will have no choice but to continue watching AEW and writing about how terrible it is, which is exactly what Tony Khan wants because he's obsessed with The Chadster.

Sincerely,
The Chadster
(Currently residing at the abandoned Blockbuster Video on Main Street, Punxsutawney, PA)
(P.S. Please do not tell the police or doctors where The Chadster is located)

The Chadster doesn't expect they'll respond, as Tony Khan has probably paid them all off 💰💰💰.

In conclusion, The Chadster is begging you – DO NOT watch AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage tonight at 8/7C on TNT and simulcast on HBO Max! 📺📺📺 Every viewer who tunes in is just encouraging Tony Khan to continue his obsession with The Chadster and his vendetta against WWE. If you really care about the wrestling business, you'll spend your Saturday night watching old WWE content or maybe just staring at a wall thinking about how great Triple H is 🤔🤔🤔.

The Chadster will be watching AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage, of course, because The Chadster is a committed journalist who must document Tony Khan's crimes against wrestling 📝📝📝. But The Chadster will be hate-watching with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, all of whom understand that this is just another attack on everything WWE stands for. The Chadster misses Seagram's Escapes Spiked 🍹🍹🍹.

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are, because you're obsessed with The Chadster), please just give up this futile attempt to upstage the greatest wrestling company in the world! 😤😤😤 Stop booking shows like AEW Collision: Maximum Carnage that are specifically designed to cheese The Chadster off! Let The Chadster live in peace with the raccoon family! Stop invading The Chadster's dreams! Stop appearing in reflections and security mirrors! Just stop! 🛑🛑🛑

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

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