Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, wrestling

AEW Collision: El Presidente Previews Playoff Palooza in Portland

Comrades, your El Presidente previews tonight's AEW Collision Playoff Palooza from Portland, with two title matches and Jericho teaming with The Hurt Syndicate!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded balcony of my summer palace overlooking the Pacific, where my loyal lieutenants are roasting a whole pig and my political prisoners are… well, let us not speak of them on such a festive evening! Tonight is AEW Collision Playoff Palooza, broadcasting from Portland, Oregon, and I have personally cleared my entire schedule of executive orders and assassination plots to bring you this preview!

Jericho & The Hurt Syndicate vs. The Demand

Jericho hasn't let his loss to Ricochet at Dynasty keep him down. In fact, despite the beatdown he suffered at the hands of The Demand last week, Jericho seems to be getting under Ricochet's skin with his jabs and use of copyright law! On Dynamite, we learned that Jericho needed to find a couple of partners to face The Demand on Collision. When Ricochet told Jericho he burned all his bridges and no one liked him, Jericho replied that he didn't need to find people who liked him, just two partners who didn't like Ricochet. Later in the night, Jericho found that pair in Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin of The Hurt Syndicate!

Comrades, Chris Jericho's strategy here reminds me very much of how I assembled my first cabinet! You see, when one is staging a coup, you do not need allies who LIKE you, you simply need allies who hate the same people you hate! This is a fundamental principle of socialism and revolutionary politics, and I am delighted to see Jericho applying it. Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin as enforcers? My friend Kim Jong-un would weep with envy. He once tried to recruit Lashley for his personal security detail at a karaoke bar in Pyongyang, but Lashley said the contract terms were too restrictive. Ricochet, Bishop Kaun, and Toa Liona better bring backup!

Thekla & Skye Blue vs. Alex Windsor & Persephone

Windsor wanted to continue the fight against Thekla and Triangle of Madness after Thekla used brass knuckles to retain her AEW Women's World Championship against her last week on Collision. With Jamie Hayter still not cleared following her Dynasty loss to Thekla, Windsor found unexpected backup in CMLL World Women's Champion Persephone, and the two threw out the challenge to Triangle of Madness to face them on Collision.

Brass knuckles, comrades?! Now THIS is a champion after my own heart! Thekla understands what every dictator knows: the rules are merely suggestions for the weak. I myself once won a chess tournament against Vladimir Putin using brass knuckles, though admittedly the chess board got somewhat damaged in the process. Alex Windsor and Persephone represent an international coalition the likes of which I have not seen since I attended the Annual Despot Mixer in Minsk last spring. Skye Blue better watch herself in this one!

AEW World Trios Championship: The Conglomeration vs. Don Callis Family

The Conglomeration turned away The Lethal Twist last week in an AEW World Trios Championship Eliminator Match. Tonight, they'll put the titles on the line against the Don Callis Family.

Orange Cassidy, Roderick Strong, and Kyle O'Reilly defending against Lance Archer, Hechicero, and Andrade El Ídolo?! Comrades, this is the kind of high-stakes negotiation I deal with every Tuesday when the CIA tries to overthrow me! Don Callis reminds me very much of an old advisor I had who eventually tried to poison my morning espresso. The man had ambition, I will give him that. I had to send him to "manage" my lithium mines in the southern provinces, if you catch my drift.

AEW National Championship: Jack Perry vs. El Clon

At Collision Spring BreakThru, Perry made a challenge to any member of the Don Callis Family after RPG Vice and FTR fought with the Young Bucks and Adam Copeland. Perry was feeling good after beating Mark Davis at Dynasty Zero Hour and wanted to defend the AEW National Championship against anyone Callis chose from the Family. Tonight, Perry will get a test from the unique and unpredictable El Clon!

El Clon, comrades! A clone! This is the technology I have been demanding from my scientists for YEARS! Imagine if I had a clone to attend boring UN meetings while the real El Presidente watches AEW Collision! Jack Perry better be ready, because cloned wrestlers fight different. The CIA tried to clone me back in 2003, but they accidentally created a sentient cactus instead. Long story.

10-Man Tag: Young Bucks & The Rascalz vs. Death Riders & The Dogs

The Bucks and The Rascalz want revenge, so tonight, they'll come together to face The Dogs and Daniel Garcia, Claudio Castagnoli and Wheeler Yuta of the Death Riders in what should be an action-packed 10-man tag!

Ten men in one match?! This is more chaotic than my last cabinet meeting, comrades! The Young Bucks and The Rascalz uniting against The Dogs and the Death Riders is the kind of strange coalition that historians will study for centuries. David Finlay and Clark Connors remind me of two of my generals who tried to overthrow me back in '09. They were ruthless, ambitious, and hungry for power. They are now fertilizing my mango groves.

RUSH vs. Adam Priest

RUSH has been on the warpath over the last month since barely losing a no-countout match against Darby Allin. Tonight, RUSH is looking for a fight, and he'll get one from the relentless Adam Priest.

RUSH on the warpath, comrades! I know this feeling well, as I have been on a warpath of my own ever since the CIA "accidentally" replaced my favorite cologne with bear spray during my last summit. Adam Priest sounds like a man of the cloth, and I have always found that priests make excellent opponents because they are not afraid to die. This will be HARD-HITTING, comrades!

FTR Responds to Adam Copeland

On Dynamite, Adam Copeland revealed his plan to get another chance at the AEW World Tag Team Championship. He challenged FTR to a New York Street Fight at Double or Nothing against him and Christian Cage, and if FTR wins, Cage and Cope must retire as a team.

A retirement stipulation?! Comrades, Adam Copeland and Christian Cage are betting their entire careers on this match. This is the kind of all-or-nothing wager I made back in 1987 when I bet my entire presidential salary on a cockfight against Fidel Castro. I lost, but Fidel let me keep my money in exchange for a lifetime supply of cigars from my private stash. What will FTR say tonight?

Kris Statlander in Action

Former AEW Women's World Champion Kris Statlander will be in action after watching (and helping?) her partner Hikaru Shida defeat Mina Shirakawa on Dynamite. Now, it's Statlander's turn to compete in singles action tonight on Collision!

Kris Statlander, comrades! An alien wrestler! I have always suspected that some of my most loyal generals were extraterrestrial in origin, and frankly, the level of competence they display supports this theory. Hikaru Shida and Statlander make for a formidable pair, much like myself and my pet ocelot, Esperanza. I cannot wait to see who Statlander demolishes tonight on AEW Collision!

Thank you to AEW's website for providing the wonderful preview materials, comrades! You can read the original preview right here!

So tune in tonight, comrades, to AEW Collision Playoff Palooza at 8 p.m. ET on TNT and HBO Max! As for your El Presidente, I shall be watching from my newly-constructed solid gold home theater, reclining in a throne made from the melted-down statues of my political rivals, with a team of personal masseuses on standby and a buffet of caviar and Flamin' Hot Cheetos imported at great personal expense from the imperialist Yankee supermarkets! VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN, and viva AEW Collision!

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