Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite: Ospreay Kidnapped, MJF Crashes Out, Darby Retains

Comrades! El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite from Portland, where Darby Allin retained, the Death Riders abducted Ospreay, and Jericho recruited The Hurt Syndicate!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the sun-kissed balcony of my seaside villa in an undisclosed location that definitely is not the one the CIA satellites have been circling for the past three weeks! I have just finished watching last night's edition of AEW Dynamite from Portland, Oregon, while my personal sommelier decanted a vintage that I had "liberated" from a certain European monarch's cellar, and comrades, I have much to discuss! AEW Dynamite delivered violence, betrayal, bloodshed, and corporate recruitment – in other words, all of my favorite things! Let us break it down segment by segment, shall we?

Dynamite Video Package — Darby Allin Wins the AEW World Title

The show opened with a lovely recap of Darby Allin's journey to the top of the mountain. Comrades, watching this package reminded me of the propaganda films my Ministry of Information produces every six months to remind the citizens of my glorious ascent to power. The only difference is that Darby's video used real footage, whereas mine required 400 extras, three stunt doubles, and a CGI eagle. Beautiful work by the AEW production team – I may have to hire them for my next coup anniversary!

MJF Interrupts TNT Champion Kevin Knight

MJF came out dressed to wrestle, whining about the "Seattle Screwjob" like a man whose caviar shipment arrived late. Kevin Knight interrupted, and MJF agreed to wrestle him only if the TNT Title was on the line – then bailed before the bell! Comrades, this is the oldest trick in the authoritarian playbook! I once agreed to a peace summit with a neighboring country only if they brought me their entire oil reserves, then I left before the handshake photo. MJF is learning from the masters. Knight versus MJF for the TNT Championship is set for next week, and I, for one, cannot wait.

Chris Jericho and The Demand Backstage

Renee Paquette caught up with Chris Jericho and The Demand, where it was announced Jericho and two mystery partners would face Ricochet, Bishop Kaun, and Toa Liona on Collision. Jericho, wonderfully, declared he did not need people who liked him, only people who disliked Ricochet. Comrades, this is my entire cabinet recruitment strategy! I did not hire my Minister of Defense because he loved me – I hired him because he REALLY hated the previous Minister of Defense. Functional governance, my friends!

Brody King vs. "Blackheart" Lio Rush

Brody King defeated "Blackheart" Lio Rush after Rush targeted King's injured arm but eventually ate a cannonball and a Gonzo Bomb. A solid sprint, and King cut a menacing promo afterward about bringing violence should Darby retain. Foreshadowing, comrades! The kind of foreshadowing my court astrologer would have warned me about had I not had him exiled for predicting my stock portfolio incorrectly.

Tommaso Ciampa Backstage

Tommaso Ciampa cut a heartfelt promo about glass ceilings being imaginary. Inspirational stuff, comrades! Though I must note, in my country, glass ceilings are also imaginary, because we simply cannot afford glass. Supply chain issues, you understand. Blame the embargo.

Adam Copeland Challenges FTR

Adam Copeland challenged FTR to a New York Street Fight at Double or Nothing for the AEW World Tag Team Titles, with the stipulation that if he and Christian Cage lose, they retire as a team. Comrades, putting your career on the line is the ultimate gamble! I once bet my entire presidency on a hand of poker against Muammar Gaddafi in 2009. I lost, but fortunately Muammar was too drunk to remember, and I had my state media declare victory the next morning. Democracy in action!

Hikaru Shida vs. Mina Shirakawa

Hikaru Shida, with Kris Statlander at ringside, defeated Mina Shirakawa in a very fine match. Shirakawa worked the leg beautifully and nearly had it with the figure four, but a kendo stick shenanigan distracted her long enough for Shida to hit a Falcon Arrow. Statlander raising Shida's hand afterward was either a beautiful show of friendship or the opening act of a tremendous betrayal. I've seen this exact embrace before, comrades – usually right before one general stabs another at my birthday banquet. Keep your eyes peeled!

Okada vs. Takeshita Dynamite Video Package

A video package hyped Kazuchika Okada vs. Konosuke Takeshita for Double or Nothing, with Okada reminding everyone that he is a champion and Takeshita is not. Comrades, this is the kind of plainspoken honesty I appreciate. Reminds me of the time I told my Vice Presidente, "I am the President, and you are not." He disagreed. He is no longer with us. Okada, I salute your diplomatic clarity!

Mark Davis vs. Will Ospreay

Oh, comrades, this was brutal! Mark Davis defeated Will Ospreay via doctor stoppage after dropping Ospreay on his neck approximately 47 times, including a piledriver on the apron that made even MY Minister of Torture wince – and that man has SEEN things! Ospreay fought valiantly through a Hidden Blade near-fall, but the doctor stopped it when Ospreay lost feeling in his arm. Then – THEN, comrades! – Marina Shafir appeared, the Death Riders surrounded the ring, and they ABDUCTED Will Ospreay through the crowd! This is a textbook kidnapping operation, and I should know – the CIA has tried this exact maneuver on me at least nine times, though they usually get distracted by the complimentary mojitos my palace serves.

Alex Windsor and Persephone Backstage at Dynamite

Alex Windsor declared she was not done with Triangle of Madness, and Persephone stepped in to offer her services for Collision. A solidarity alliance, comrades! Beautiful! This is what socialism looks like – two warrior women uniting against a common enemy. Eat your heart out, CIA!

Samoa Joe vs. Cody Chhun

Samoa Joe returned and dispatched Cody Chhun with a Muscle Buster in his first match back after being medically cleared. HOOK met Joe at the top of the ramp afterward in what was either a warm reunion or the beginning of a cold war. Samoa Joe returning reminds me of my own political comeback in 2004, after I was briefly deposed by a man who wore a better hat than me. I returned. He did not. Welcome back, Joe!

Darby Allin "I Gotta Be Me" Dynamite Video Package

A gorgeous long-form video package profiling the new champion. I wept, comrades. Partially because of the emotional journey, and partially because my chef had over-seasoned my paella. But mostly the video.

Jericho Reveals The Hurt Syndicate

Paquette tracked down Jericho, who revealed his partners: Shelton Benjamin, Bobby Lashley, and MVP – THE HURT SYNDICATE! MVP declared, "It's not personal; it's business." Comrades, I felt that line in my bones. That is EXACTLY what I said to the previous owner of this villa before my soldiers escorted him out. Not personal. Business. A stunning coup by Jericho, and I tip my presidential cap.

Darby Allin / MJF / Ciampa Confrontation

Tony Schiavone introduced Darby, who delivered a soul-searching promo about who he sees in the mirror. MJF interrupted demanding a rematch, and Darby – beautifully – said no rematch unless MJF puts something on the line, because every wrestler in the back deserves an opportunity. THIS, COMRADES, IS SOCIALISM IN ACTION! Equal opportunity for the proletariat wrestlers! Darby Allin is clearly a student of Marx, and I could not be prouder. Ciampa then came out to set up the main event.

AEW World Championship: Darby Allin vs. Tommaso Ciampa

And the main event, comrades! A violent, bloody affair in which Ciampa dominated long stretches, hit Project Ciampa, landed bicycle knee after bicycle knee, and even exposed the turnbuckle – but Darby survived it ALL and reversed a Scorpion Death Lock attempt into his own, forcing Ciampa to tap! A tremendous match that reminded me of my legendary chess battle with Bashar al-Assad in 2011, where I was down to just a king and a pawn, but through sheer stubbornness managed to force a draw by annoying him into submission. Ciampa shook Darby's hand and bowed – a classy gesture I would never permit in my own country, as handshakes are banned under Presidential Decree 44-B. Then Brody King entered, challenged Darby for next week on AEW Dynamite, and Darby accepted!

Overall, comrades, AEW Dynamite delivered a stacked show with stipulations set, alliances forged, kidnappings executed, and a new champion proving himself worthy. I give this episode four out of five golden busts of me personally. Now if you will excuse me, comrades, I must return to my duties – a suspicious shipment of "fruit baskets" from Langley, Virginia has just arrived at my gates, and I suspect at least three of the oranges are wiretaps. Until next time, viva la lucha libre, and viva la revolución! El Presidente, OUT!

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