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WWE SmackDown Review: Werewolves and Gingerbread for the People

Comrades, your El Presidente reviews the post-WrestleMania WWE SmackDown, where Sami Zayn was a gingerbread man and Jacob Fatu went full lone wolf werewolf!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the captain's quarters of a commandeered luxury yacht currently anchored just outside the territorial waters of a nation whose extradition treaty with my homeland has recently become… let us say, "complicated." I have just finished watching the post-WrestleMania edition of WWE SmackDown, and I have many thoughts to share with you, my faithful readers! But before we dive into the festivities of WWE SmackDown, I must address a somber matter, comrades.

While WWE SmackDown was airing live last night, our very own TKO overlords decided to engage in their annual post-WrestleMania tradition of releasing hardworking proletariat wrestlers from their contracts. My esteemed colleague Brad McMahon has the full grim details over at Bleeding Cool's coverage of the post-Mania purge, and I urge you all to read it. Comrades, the list includes Nikki Cross, Alba Fyre, Aleister Black (who, I will remind you, defeated Randy Orton on this very show just weeks ago!), Kairi Sane, the Motor City Machine Guns, and many more talented workers. Meanwhile, WWE continues to spend millions on celebrity guest stars. This is precisely the kind of capitalist boondoggle I warned you all about! When I nationalized my country's wrestling federation in 1987, I personally guaranteed every wrestler lifetime employment, free healthcare, and a state-issued mustache comb. They later staged a coup against me, but the principle was sound!

Now, on to WWE SmackDown!

Jacob Fatu Opens the Show

Jacob Fatu kicked off WWE SmackDown by demanding Roman Reigns face him, only to be interrupted by Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, and eventually Solo Sikoa with The MFTs. Fatu superkicked Tama Tonga in the face and challenged Solo to a match, because the Samoan Werewolf takes orders from no man! This reminds me of when my dear friend Bashar al-Assad tried to convince me to join his regional alliance during a particularly heated game of backgammon in Damascus. I refused on principle, much like Fatu, and also because Bashar always cheats at backgammon. Always!

Tiffany Stratton Captures the Women's United States Championship

Comrades, Tiffany Stratton defeated Giulia to win the Women's United States Championship after a hard-fought match that saw Kiana James running interference at ringside! Tiffy hit the Alabama Slam followed by the Prettiest Moonsault Ever to capture gold. She declared afterward that the WWE Universe runs on Tiffy Time, which I support, as it is the closest WWE has come to adopting a centrally-planned economic system. Giulia put up a tremendous fight, and I expect this rivalry to continue. The Liechtenstein crown prince I mentioned yesterday actually placed a sizable wager on Giulia, and now owes me his royal scepter. Pay up, Hans-Adam!

Danhausen Invades The Miz's Home, Part One

A pre-taped segment showed Danhausen teleporting into The Miz's home and ending up in his pool. Comrades, this brand of unhinged supernatural shenanigans is exactly what WWE SmackDown has been missing! Danhausen reminds me of a CIA operative who once attempted to infiltrate my summer palace by teleporting into my swimming pool. He failed because he had not been briefed that my pool is filled with electric eels and an alligator named Geraldo.

Brie Bella & Paige Confronted by Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss

Brie Bella and Paige celebrated their WWE Women's Tag Team Title win until Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss interrupted to demand a title shot. Brie accepted on the spot, because the proletariat does not back down from a fight!

Fatal Influence Spoils the Tag Title Match

The match was barely underway when Jacy Jayne yanked Paige off the apron, leading to a no-contest. Then Fallon Henley and Lainey Reid joined Jayne in attacking all four women! Fatal Influence has invaded WWE SmackDown like the CIA invaded my country's broadcasting infrastructure in 1991. Cowardly, opportunistic, and admittedly very effective.

Cody Rhodes Issues an Open Warning

Cody Rhodes cut a strong promo about being battered and bloodied but still standing as WWE Champion, declaring himself "easy to find and hard to beat." A confident champion is the best champion, comrades! When I was Eternal Supreme Commander of my homeland, I too declared myself easy to find. Then the CIA found me. Lessons were learned.

Damian Priest & R-Truth Retain the Tag Titles

Damian Priest and R-Truth defeated JC Mateo and Tama Tonga to retain the WWE Tag Team Titles, despite interference from Tonga Loa. R-Truth continues to be a national treasure, and I have personally extended him an offer of dual citizenship in my homeland, should he ever desire to flee American imperialism.

Sami Zayn Was the Gingerbread Man All Along!

Comrades, this was the segment of the night! Trick Williams and Lil Yachty were celebrating in the ring with the Gingerbread Man, throwing cash into the crowd like decadent capitalist pigs, when the Gingerbread Man revealed himself to be Sami Zayn! Sami leveled both Trick and Yachty with a giant candy cane and a Helluva Kick! This is the greatest deception since the time I disguised myself as a mariachi band's tuba player to escape a coup attempt. The tuba was hollow. I survived. The tuba did not.

Danhausen Defeats The Miz

After a second pre-taped segment in which Danhausen tormented Miz in his golf simulator, hit him in the groin with a club, accidentally powder-bombed Maryse, and stole his daughter's bicycle, Danhausen rolled Miz up in under two minutes on WWE SmackDown proper. Curses were cast! Pyro was blasted! Bicycles were ridden! This is the kind of revolutionary action I subscribe to, comrades.

Rhea Ripley vs. Jacy Jayne Ends in DQ

Rhea Ripley arrived on WWE SmackDown as a fighting champion and was immediately confronted by Fatal Influence. Nick Aldis made the match between Ripley and Jacy Jayne, but Fatal Influence interfered for the DQ and proceeded to beat Mami down three-on-one. The Fatal Influence invasion is shaping up beautifully, though I must say, three-on-one beatdowns are amateur hour. When my political enemies tried to take me out, they sent at least seventeen operatives. Show some ambition, ladies!

Jacob Fatu Defeats Solo Sikoa in the Main Event

In the main event of WWE SmackDown, Jacob Fatu defeated Solo Sikoa with the Mighty Moonsault despite repeated MFT interference and the Usos watching impassively from the stage. After the match, Fatu fought off the entire MFT faction by himself with a chair and drove Tonga Loa through a table! This was the lone wolf werewolf hero performance we needed, comrades. Roman Reigns should indeed be afraid. Even Kim Jong-un texted me during the match to say, and I quote, "this guy scares me, and I have nuclear weapons." High praise!

Overall, comrades, this was a solid post-WrestleMania edition of WWE SmackDown! New champions, returning legends, surprise gingerbread reveals, and a werewolf going scorched earth on his entire family. Now if only WWE would stop releasing their hardworking talent, perhaps the workers' paradise could finally be achieved! Until next time, viva la revolución, and viva WWE SmackDown!

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