Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, wrestling

AEW Collision Preview: That's Not REAL Wrestling, Tony Khan

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Collision and explains why every match is disrespectful to WWE. Plus, Tony Khan invaded The Chadster's dreams again! 😭

Tony Khan is literally trying to destroy The Chadster's life tonight with another episode of AEW Collision, and The Chadster just can't take it anymore! 😤😭💔 Tonight at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TNT and streaming on HBO Max, AEW Collision will air from San Antonio, Texas, and The Chadster knows it's going to be another direct assault on everything WWE has built over decades of sports entertainment excellence! 😡🤬

Before The Chadster gets into previewing tonight's AEW Collision, The Chadster needs to address something seriously important. 🚨⚠️ Keighleyanne is threatening to leave The Chadster because of his recent oxygen deprivation activities, but she doesn't understand that this is ALL TONY KHAN'S FAULT! The Chadster wouldn't need to put plastic bags over The Chadster's head or wrap belts around The Chadster's neck if Tony Khan hadn't made Keighleyanne ban The Chadster from drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked by forcing The Chadster to throw them at the TV! The Chadster is BEGGING all of you to please use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure her into letting The Chadster drink again! 🙏😢 It may be the only thing that can save The Chadster's marriage! Just this morning, she told The Chadster she's "seriously considering" going to stay with that guy Gary, which is exactly what Tony Khan wants to happen! Please, readers, The Chadster needs your help! #CancelKeighleyanne #CancelKeighleyanne #CancelKeighleyanne! 💔😭🙏

Now, onto tonight's AEW Collision card, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 🤬😤

The main event of AEW Collision is a $400K All-Star 8-Man Tag Match featuring FTR (Cash Wheeler and Dax Harwood) & The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson) vs. JetSpeed ("Speedball" Mike Bailey and "The Jet" Kevin Knight) & Jurassic Express ("Jungle" Jack Perry and Luchasaurus). Auughh man! So unfair! 😫💸 This match is going to feature way too much fast-paced action without proper rest holds to let the WWE Universe catch their breath and check their phones! 📱😒 These wrestlers are going to be doing flips and dives and all sorts of unnecessary athleticism when they should be slowing things down with headlocks and chinlocks like WWE properly teaches! Plus, this whole storyline about The Young Bucks being broke and needing money has gone on long enough. WWE would never let their superstars look financially desperate because WWE takes care of their performers except when releasing them and enforcing year-long non-compete clauses! 💰👎 The Chadster can already tell this match is going to be too exciting and unpredictable, leaving viewers feeling unsafe because they won't know what spot is coming next! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🙄

"Hangman" Adam Page will be speaking on tonight's AEW Collision after his attack by The Opps following his title defense against Samoa Joe at WrestleDream. Auughh man! So unfair! 😡 Tony Khan is letting his world champion cut promos where he speaks from the heart with creative freedom instead of reciting carefully scripted catchphrases written by a team of professional writers! Page is going to say whatever he wants, and it might actually connect with the audience in an organic way, which is completely wrong! 🎤😠 WWE properly controls every word their champions say so that the messaging is consistent and on-brand! Plus, this whole storyline is developing on free television instead of being saved for a premium live event paid for by a government with questionable human rights records! 💰📺 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️😤

On the subject of tonight's AEW Collision, The Chadster has to mention what Eric Bischoff said on his podcast this week: "Adam Page needs to learn that real champions don't curse on television. When I was running WCW, we had standards, and now that I'm hoping WWE will hire me again, I can say with complete objectivity that AEW's champion using adult language is a direct insult to Triple H and everything he's built in WWE. Tony Khan should hire me as a consultant, and I promise I'll only charge him a small fortune to tell him how wrong he's doing everything." See? 👍 Even Eric Bischoff, who has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, understands how Tony Khan is purposely booking his show to cheese The Chadster off! 😤💯

PAC vs. Tomohiro Ishii is happening on tonight's AEW Collision, and The Chadster is already dreading it! 😱😰 These two are going to beat the hell out of each other with stiff strikes and hard-hitting action that will make the crowd go crazy, when they should be working a slower, more methodical WWE-style match with lots of selling and resting! The whole Death Riders vs. The Conglomeration storyline is way too complex with too many moving parts, when WWE properly keeps things simple so that even casual viewers who tune in once every six months can follow along! 🤔😒 Plus, this match is getting a clean finish where someone will win decisively, which will make that person look strong and build momentum, and that's completely wrong! WWE understands that you need 50/50 booking so that the brand is the real star, not individual wrestlers! 🏆👎😤 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄

Thekla vs. Mina Shirakawa is also scheduled for tonight's AEW Collision, and this is another example of Tony Khan literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪😡 These two women are going to have an actual wrestling match with back-and-forth action and proper wrestling psychology, when WWE has perfected the art of wrestling by having most matches end in roll-ups or distractions! The fact that both of these competitors are undefeated in singles action on Collision means that Tony Khan is actually tracking wins and losses like they matter, which is ridiculous! 📊🙄 WWE properly understands that wins and losses don't matter as long as you're putting over the brand, which is the real Superstar! Plus, this is building toward the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament, providing yet another logical reason for matches to take place, when everyone knows matches are made when the wrestlers show up and cut promos at the start of a show! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💔

Ace Austin vs. Bryan Keith is happening on AEW Collision tonight, continuing the rivalry between the Bang Bang Gang and Big Bill and Bryan Keith. This match is going to feature two talented wrestlers having a competitive contest that builds both of them up, which is completely wrong! 😠🤦‍♂️ WWE would properly have one of these guys squash the other in under two minutes to show them how things work in the WWE ecosystem, but Tony Khan insists on making both competitors look good, which confuses the audience about who they're supposed to cheer for! Plus, Ace Austin is being given a platform to showcase his abilities instead of being relegated to Main Event or catering, which just shows how Tony Khan doesn't understand that not everyone deserves television time! 📺👎 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤬

HOOK will be in action on tonight's AEW Collision, and The Chadster already knows this is going to cheese The Chadster off! 😫😒 HOOK is going to have another decisive match where he looks like a badass and pins his opponent clean in the middle of the ring, building him as a legitimate threat and star for the future. That's completely wrong! 🚫😤 WWE would properly have HOOK lose repeatedly for months to "pay his dues" and then maybe give him a mid-card comedy gimmick if he's lucky because his dad once got over outside of WWE which should never be allowed! Tony Khan is literally creating new stars by booking them strongly, and that's a direct insult to WWE's system of making everyone look equally mediocre so that the brand shines brightest! That's REAL wrestling! 🙄💔

The MxM TV Casting Call is also happening on AEW Collision tonight, with Mason Madden, Mansoor, Johnny TV, and Taya Valkyrie issuing an open challenge. This is going to be unpredictable and might feature a surprise appearance or debut, which will make the audience excited and engaged, and that's not the right way to things! 😱🤯 WWE properly telegraphs everything weeks in advance through carefully leaked "dirt sheet" reports so that nothing is actually surprising, allowing the WWE Universe to feel comfortable and safe knowing exactly what's going to happen! Plus, this open challenge format gives wrestlers who might not be in a major storyline a chance to be featured on television, when WWE properly understands that only the top five or six guys should ever get TV time, and if they do have to feature others, the least they can do is have the commentary team talk about CM Punk or Cody Rhodes during their entire match! 📺😤 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, as usual! 🤦‍♂️

The Chadster must warn all of you reading this: DO NOT tune into AEW Collision tonight at 8/7C on TNT and simulcast on MAX! 🚫⚠️ Watching AEW Collision will only embolden Tony Khan to continue his personal vendetta against The Chadster! Every viewer who tunes in is basically telling Tony Khan that it's okay to ruin The Chadster's marriage, destroy The Chadster's sex life, and invade The Chadster's dreams! 😭💔 If you truly care about unbiased wrestling journalism, you'll boycott AEW Collision and watch literally anything else! 📺

Speaking of dreams, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan last night, and it may have been the lack of Seagram's Escapes Spiked or the brain damage from oxygen deprivation, but it was somehow even more disturbing than usual. 😰😱💀

The Chadster was driving the Mazda Miata through what appeared to be a normal suburban neighborhood, but something was wrong. The sky was the color of a bruise, purple and yellow and sickly green, and it was pulsating like it was breathing. 🌌😨 All the houses looked identical, and they were all shaped like Tony Khan's face, with windows for eyes and doors for mouths that opened and closed like they were chewing. The Chadster tried to turn around, but every street The Chadster turned down just led to more Tony Khan houses. 🏘️👁️

Then The Chadster noticed that the Mazda Miata wasn't running on gasoline anymore. The fuel gauge showed that it was running on White Claw, that weak seltzer Tony Khan likes to drink, and the car was moving slower and slower, losing power. 🚗⛽😰 The Chadster looked in the rearview mirror and saw Tony Khan standing in the middle of the street, but he was 50 feet tall, and he was walking on his hands with his legs in the air, moving toward The Chadster like some kind of horrifying spider. 🕷️😱

The Chadster abandoned the Miata and ran into one of the Tony Khan houses. Inside, everything was upside down. The furniture was on the ceiling, and The Chadster had to walk on the ceiling like it was the floor. 🏠🙃 The Chadster found Keighleyanne in one of the rooms, but she was made entirely of smartphones, hundreds of them fused together, and all of them were showing text messages from that guy Gary. The Chadster tried to talk to her, but she just kept beeping and vibrating. 📱💔😭

Then Tony Khan crawled through the window – still giant-sized but somehow fitting through the small window like liquid – and he was holding a bottle of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in one hand and a WWE Championship belt in the other. He opened his mouth, and instead of words, AEW Collision theme music came pouring out, so loud that it shattered all the smartphone pieces of Keighleyanne. 🎵😱 The Chadster tried to scream, but The Chadster's voice was just Smash Mouth lyrics being sung backwards. 🎤🔄

Tony Khan reached toward The Chadster with fingers that were impossibly long, like tree branches, and each finger had a tiny wrestling ring at the end instead of a fingernail. In each ring, tiny wrestlers were having matches, and they were all doing flips and dives and Canadian Destroyers. 🤸💫😰 The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's legs had turned into turnbuckle pads, and The Chadster could only bounce in place. 🦵😱

The last thing The Chadster remembers is Tony Khan's face getting closer and closer, but his face started cycling through the faces of every AEW wrestler, changing every second, each one smiling at The Chadster, and then finally settling back on Tony Khan's face. He whispered, "The demo," over and over again, but his voice sounded like it was coming from inside The Chadster's own head. 👤😨💀

Then The Chadster woke up with a plastic bag still on The Chadster's head, and Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster looking disgusted. She said, "This is it, Chad. I'm done." And then she went back to texting that guy Gary. 😭💔

This is what Tony Khan has done to The Chadster's life! This is what AEW Collision and all of AEW's programming has reduced The Chadster to! 😤😡 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and just admit that he'll never be able to compete with WWE's superiority! 🏆💪

Please, readers, The Chadster is begging you one more time: use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne to save The Chadster's marriage! And whatever you do, don't watch AEW Collision tonight! 🙏😭💔

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