Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, thanksgiving, wrestling

AEW Collision Preview: The Perfect Thanksgiving Dessert

El Presidente previews tonight's Thanksgiving AEW Collision with Continental Classic action, bitter grudges, and championship celebrations, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live on tonight's AEW Collision from my presidential palace's banquet hall, where I am currently hiding from my own chef who insists on preparing a traditional American Thanksgiving turkey despite my repeated warnings that the last time we had turkey, it gave Fidel Castro such terrible indigestion that he threatened to invade my country. But I digress!

Tonight, the capitalist pigs at All Elite Wrestling are serving up a special Thanksgiving Day feast of violence and mayhem on AEW Collision, broadcasting from Nashville, Tennessee at 8 p.m. ET on TNT! And comrades, let me tell you, this card is more stuffed than the turkey I am currently avoiding!

Continental Classic: Where Dreams Are Carved Like Holiday Birds

The Continental Classic tournament continues with not one but TWO matches that promise more collisions than my motorcade experiences during a CIA-sponsored coup attempt!

In the Blue League, we have IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita facing off against Roderick Strong! Comrades, I know something about being "The Alpha" – just last week, I had to remind Kim Jong-un at our weekly dictators' poker night that I am the alpha of our friend group, not him, despite his claims that his nuclear missiles are "bigger and more powerful." But Takeshita? This man won the G1 Climax and now holds New Japan's top prize! If he wins the Continental Classic too, it would be like me winning both the lottery AND successfully hiding my offshore bank accounts from international investigators in the same year!

Roderick Strong, on the other hand, is making his round-robin tournament debut, which reminds me of the time I entered my first international diplomatic summit. I thought I was prepared, but then Vladimir Putin challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest and I learned very quickly that preparation and experience are two different things, comrades.

PAC vs. Speedball: A Gold League Gravy Train

In the Gold League, the British Bastard PAC takes on "Speedball" Mike Bailey in what promises to be faster than my finance minister running away with the treasury funds! PAC has been on a tear since returning with his Death Riders comrades, and he brings nearly two decades of tournament experience. Meanwhile, Bailey is looking to follow up his tag team partner Kevin Knight's upset victory over Darby Allin.

You know, comrades, this reminds me of when Muammar Gaddafi and I entered a doubles tennis tournament at the UN recreational facility. My partner had just won his singles match, and I thought, "Surely this momentum will carry us to victory!" We lost 6-0, 6-0, and I'm still convinced the CIA rigged the net height.

Kingston vs. Shibata: More Heated Than Cranberry Sauce Debates

Eddie Kingston wants a piece of AEW World Champion Samoa Joe, but first he must go through Joe's Opps stablemate, Katsuyori Shibata! This is the wrestling equivalent of demanding to speak to the manager but having to get through the assistant manager first. And comrades, both of these men hit harder than the economic sanctions the Americans keep placing on my country!

Kingston and Shibata brawled at Full Gear, and now they get to settle things properly. This match will have more strikes than a socialist labor movement, and I mean that as the highest compliment!

Daddy Magic vs. Daniel Garcia: A Family Feud More Bitter Than Thanksgiving Dinner

Speaking of bitter, former friends Daddy Magic and Daniel Garcia finally square off one-on-one after months of hostility! Garcia abandoned Magic to join the Death Riders, refused to speak to him, and then when he finally DID speak, he destroyed whatever remained of their friendship faster than my approval ratings drop after I "borrow" money from the social security fund.

This is the wrestling equivalent of your cousin who joined a different political faction showing up to Thanksgiving dinner and arguing about ideology over the mashed potatoes, except with more suplexes and fewer discussions about student loan forgiveness.

Triangle of Madness: Thekla vs. Tay Melo

But wait, comrades! Like a surprise visit from the International Monetary Fund demanding repayment, AEW has added another match to tonight's card! Thekla, the third point of the Triangle of Madness, will face Tay Melo in what promises to be an explosive encounter!

Now, I must confess something, comrades. When I first heard about this "Triangle of Madness," I thought they were talking about the geopolitical situation between myself, the CIA, and my Swiss banker who keeps threatening to freeze my assets. But no! This is even more dangerous! Thekla has been making waves since arriving in AEW, and Tay Melo is no stranger to chaos herself.

This match was announced just today, which reminds me of the time Nicolás Maduro called me at 3 a.m. to announce he was coming for Thanksgiving dinner in six hours. Sometimes the best additions to your holiday plans are the ones you didn't see coming! Though I will say, Maduro ate all the stuffing and I am still holding a grudge about that.

Champions Speak: The Briscoe and FTR Victory Laps

We'll hear from NEW TNT Champion Mark Briscoe, who captured his first AEW singles title at Full Gear in an emotional victory that saved him from the clutches of the Don Callis Family! Comrades, I understand the relief of avoiding an unwanted alliance – just last month, I had to fake a diplomatic illness to avoid signing a trade agreement with a neighboring country that would have definitely resulted in my assassination.

We'll also hear from FTR, the NEW AEW World Tag Team Champions, who captured their record-tying third tag team championship by defeating Brodido! Dax Harwood, Cash Wheeler, and Stokely Hathaway are not serving humble pie tonight, which I respect. You know what I always say: if you cannot brag about your accomplishments, what is the point of staging a military parade down the capital's main boulevard every month?

A Message to Comrade Chad McMahon

Before I conclude, comrades, I must send my best wishes to my esteemed colleague, Bleeding Cool correspondent Chad McMahon, who is currently living on the streets of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania after escaping a medical facility. Chad, my friend, I understand your paranoia about Tony Khan's agents pursuing you – I have similar concerns about the CIA whenever I see a suspiciously parked ice cream truck near the palace.

If you need asylum, my country's borders are always open to fellow journalists fleeing persecution, real or imagined! We have excellent facilities here, including a lovely re-education ce— I mean, recovery center where you can rest and definitely not be brainwashed. The accommodations are five-star, if you ignore the bars on the windows and the armed guards, which are purely decorative!

Comrades, this Thanksgiving Collision promises to deliver more action than a Black Friday sale at a Venezuelan grocery store during a currency crisis! The Continental Classic is heating up like a deep fryer at a turkey cooking competition, and the rest of the card is stuffed with enough grudge matches and championship celebrations to satisfy even the hungriest wrestling fan.

So tonight, after you finish your turkey, stuffing, and whatever other capitalist indulgences you Americans enjoy on this holiday celebrating the time you convinced the indigenous peoples to share their land and food (a strategy I have employed myself on several occasions), tune in to AEW Collision at 8 p.m. ET on TNT!

Just remember, comrades: the only thing better than Thanksgiving dinner is Thanksgiving dinner followed by professional wrestling violence. It is the perfect digestif for turkey-induced food coma, and much more entertaining than listening to your uncle's political opinions!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Collision! And most importantly, ¡Viva el socialismo!

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