Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: Hikaru Shida Returns on Special Thursday Edition

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision's Thursday special featuring Hikaru Shida's return to AEW and more exciting violence and workrate!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury viewing suite (which is definitely not just a bunker with a stolen satellite dish), and I have some thrilling news to share about last night's special Thursday edition of AEW Collision! You know, comrades, when Tony Khan schedules Collision on a Thursday, it reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I decided to move Cuban Independence Day to a Wednesday because we had a particularly engaging telenovela marathon scheduled for the weekend. The people adapted, just as wrestling fans have adapted to this glorious Thursday night AEW Collision!

Jon Moxley vs. Anthony Bowens – Continental Championship Eliminator

Collision opened with Jon Moxley defending his Continental Championship against Anthony Bowens, and comrades, what a way to start the show! Bowens showed tremendous fighting spirit, much like the brave revolutionaries who occasionally attempt coups against my regime (before I have them sent to re-education facilities, of course). Moxley, however, proved why he is champion by trapping Bowens in the bulldog choke and finishing him with the Death Rider. This reminds me of my own finishing move in diplomatic negotiations: the "Economic Sanction Sleeper Hold." It is very effective, though the CIA keeps filing complaints with the United Nations about it.

Will Ospreay Crashes The Party

But wait, comrades! Just when we thought Moxley could enjoy his victory, Will Ospreay ran out and delivered a Hidden Blade that would make even my presidential guard jealous! Ospreay grabbed a chair before the Death Riders pulled Moxley to safety, then issued a challenge for Dynasty: Continental Championship on the line, one-on-one, no interference, Continental rules. You know, I once made a similar challenge to a CIA operative who kept trying to poison my cigars. I said, "You and me, one-on-one, no backup, just a boxing match in the town square." He never showed up, just because the fight was going to be rigged in my favor just like my elections. Coward.

Kazuchika Okada Plays Manager

Backstage, Kazuchika Okada gave a pep talk to Andrade El Ídolo and Mark Davis that was smoother than my speeches about agricultural reform (which I definitely write myself and do not have ghostwritten by former telenovela writers). Okada praised both men and told them to get revenge on The Rascalz for injuring Kyle Fletcher. This is the kind of motivational leadership I provide to my military commanders, except with slightly more threats of imprisonment.

Divine Dominion Dominates

The AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions Divine Dominion (Megan Bayne and Lena Kross) absolutely destroyed Kristara and Ava Lawless in a match that lasted about as long as opposition party rallies in my country (which is to say, not very long at all). Bayne and Kross are like my secret police: efficient, intimidating, and they finish the job quickly with Divine Intervention. Though my version involves slightly less wrestling and slightly more paperwork.

Willow Nightingale vs. Hikaru Shida – The Open Challenge

Comrades, Willow Nightingale's open challenge was answered by Hikaru Shida, and what followed was a match more competitive than my country's last "democratic" election (which I won with a very legitimate 99.8% of the vote, thank you very much). Willow retained her TBS Championship with a clever backslide, but the real story came afterward when Shida grabbed her kendo stick and contemplated violence. She hesitated, however, and Willow gave her a thumbs-up before leaving. This touching moment of sportsmanship reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un and I almost got into a fistfight over the last dumpling at a dictator's summit, but then we decided to just order more dumplings instead. Diplomacy wins again!

FTR Gets Conchairto'd (Almost)

FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) made quick work of Mo Jabai and London Lightning, but then Christian Cage and Adam Copeland arrived with chairs and chaos in their hearts! After a wild brawl, Cage low-blowed Dax (a move I have banned in my country's wrestling federation for being too effective), and Cope hit Wheeler with an Impaler. They nearly delivered a conchairto before Stokely Hathaway intervened, so Cage conchairto'd a security guard instead. Comrades, this is the kind of substitute violence I appreciate! When you cannot destroy your intended target, destroy someone else to make a point. It is a strategy I learned from various CIA regime change operations, except in reverse.

Tommaso Ciampa vs. Juice Robinson

Tommaso Ciampa defeated Juice Robinson in a physical contest that included a low blow so blatant even I was impressed, and comrades, I once watched Hugo Chávez pants someone at a state dinner. Ciampa finished Robinson with two running knees, proving once again that the psycho killer gimmick translates well across all cultures. I have considered adopting this persona myself, but my advisors tell me it might be "redundant" and my legal team doesn't want to be sued by David Byrne.

Andrade & Mark Davis vs. The Rascalz

In another tag team battle, Andrade and Davis defeated The Rascalz (Zachary Wentz and Dezmond Xavier) after jumping them before the bell, which is perfectly legal and something I encourage in all aspects of governance. Davis hit his devastating Close Your Eyes and Count to Nothing (a move I have stolen for budget meetings), and Andrade followed with The Message for the victory. Then Don Callis celebrated, Okada came out with Trent Beretta and Rocky Romero, and they continued the assault until Myron Reed made the save. This multi-faction warfare reminds me of the complex geopolitical situation in my region, except with more flippy moves and fewer trade embargoes.

The Tornado Tag Main Event

Finally, comrades, Collision concluded with an 8-Man Tornado Tag Team Match featuring Orange Cassidy, Roderick Strong, Místico, and Kevin Knight defeating Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, David Finlay, and Clark Connors. This match was more chaotic than my country's healthcare system (which is actually excellent, I will have you know, despite what the American media says). Bodies flew everywhere, dives happened from every direction, and in the end, Místico trapped Claudio in La Mística while Knight hit Yuta with the UFO Splash for the pin. Speedball Mike Bailey came out to celebrate with his fellow AEW World Trios Champions, and all was right with the world. It was beautiful chaos, comrades, like a successful revolution but with more aerial maneuvers!

El Presidente's Final Thoughts

This special Thursday night AEW Collision delivered exactly what Tony Khan promised: champions in action, multiple storylines advancing, and enough violence to satisfy even the most bloodthirsty dictator (that would be me, comrades). From Moxley's Continental Championship defense to the chaotic main event, Collision proved once again why it is my second-favorite Thursday night program, right after my weekly "Strategic Planning Session" (which is definitely not just me watching old episodes of Survivor and taking notes on alliance-building).

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente signing off from my definitely-not-a-bunker luxury suite. Remember: stay revolutionary, support your local labor unions, and never trust anyone from the CIA!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Collision!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!