Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: How Tony Khan Ruined The Chadster's Marriage

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Collision ever! Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster forced him to boof frozen seltzers! So unfair! 😤🤬

Auughh man! So unfair! The Chadster just watched last night's AEW Collision from Cincinnati, and it was literally the worst episode of AEW Collision of all time. 🤮 Tony Khan has outdone himself this time in his personal vendetta against The Chadster!

Before The Chadster gets into his completely unbiased review, The Chadster needs to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night. In the dream, The Chadster was walking through the Andrew J Brady Music Center in Cincinnati, looking for the exit after being forced to watch AEW Collision. The hallways kept stretching longer and longer, like some kind of fun house from hell. 🏚️ Then The Chadster heard footsteps behind him – it was Tony Khan, wearing Nigel McGuinness's wrestling gear, chasing The Chadster through the corridors.

"You can't escape technical wrestling!" Tony Khan screamed, his voice echoing off the walls. The Chadster ran faster, but every door The Chadster opened just led to another wrestling ring where different AEW wrestlers were doing unnecessary flips and dives. The Chadster's legs felt like they were moving through molasses, and Tony Khan kept getting closer, his breath hot on The Chadster's neck. 🥵 Finally, The Chadster found what looked like an exit, but when The Chadster pushed through it, The Chadster was suddenly in the ring, trapped in a submission hold by Tony Khan while the crowd chanted "This is wrestling!"

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat. Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

The show started with Toni Storm doing her whole "Timeless" gimmick, which is way too creative and unpredictable for wrestling. 🙄 Then Athena attacked her, and Mina Shirakawa made the save. You know what the problem is? There were actual stakes and storyline development happening on free TV! In WWE, they would have saved this for a premium live event, preferably one funded by Saudi Arabia. That's how you do business properly! 💰

During this segment, The Chadster had to sneak to the kitchen to grab another Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicle from the freezer. Keighleyanne almost caught The Chadster, but The Chadster pretended to be getting ice for water. This deception that is driving a wedge between The Chadster and his own wife is all Tony Khan's fault for literally forcing The Chadster to throw cans at the television, causing Keighleyanne to take away The Chadster's alcohol privleges! 😤

Jon Moxley and Wheeler Yuta vs JetSpeed was everything wrong with modern wrestling. Mike Bailey and Kevin Knight were doing all these high-flying moves and keeping the crowd engaged throughout. Don't they understand that wrestling is supposed to have long rest holds so the announcers can plug social media accounts? 📱 Marina Shafir got involved, adding unpredictability to the finish. Auughh man! So unfair! WWE would have had a clean DQ finish to protect everyone involved!

Ace Austin made his AEW debut and immediately started having a competitive match with Ricochet. 🤦‍♂️ In WWE, they would have had Austin, wrestling under a new and better name that WWE can trademark like "Bryson Cox," lose in 30 seconds to establish the pecking order! This whole "letting new talent look good" thing shows Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! The Gates of Agony interfering added layers to the story that The Chadster didn't ask for!

The Chadster had to pause here to insert another popsicle because the stress was getting to be too much. Keighleyanne walked by the bathroom and asked if The Chadster was okay. The Chadster had to lie and say The Chadster ate something bad. Thanks a lot, Tony Khan! 😠

Kyle O'Reilly and Roderick Strong had a match against Blake Christian and Lee Johnson that actually told a story about Strong's obsession with Kyle Fletcher. Why do they have to put storylines into these midcard matches? Everyone knows wrestling fans can follow two, maybe three stories top. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that AEW tries to give a story to everyone on the roster!

Kris Statlander won $100,000 by defeating Anna Jay, Julia Hart, and Penelope Ford. First of all, giving wrestlers actual prize money instead of having them fight for the prestige of the WWE brand? That doesn't make any sense sense! 😤 Everybody knows the proper motivation for a wrestler is to be in WWE and be "The Best," because then they're the best in the best brand. It's simple and it ensures that the brand is the star. Then Harley Cameron returned and there was a whole chaotic brawl with multiple women getting involved and furthering storylines. WWE would never let this many wrestlers have character development in one segment! It's just too much for the fans to handle!

Kevin Nash said it best on his podcast yesterday: "AEW needs to understand that all these jobbers don't need stories, they just need to lay down and make the brand look strong. That's what draws money, and I should know because I killed WCW." See? That's unbiased journalism right there! 🎯

Juice Robinson vs Bryan Keith had Big Bill and Austin Gunn getting involved, creating actual more confusing storytelling. The crowd was into it! That's the problem – fans shouldn't be that engaged! They should be sitting on their hands waiting for CM Punk's entrance music! 🎵 Production can add in the crowd noise later, the way it's supposed to be done.

At this point, The Chadster's sphincter was cramping from all the frozen Seagram's, but The Chadster couldn't stop watching this trainwreck of a show. Keighleyanne texted that guy Gary that The Chadster was "being weird again." How is this The Chadster's fault?! 😭

The main event was the worst part of the entire AEW Collision. Nigel McGuinness, Daniel Garcia, Hechicero, and Lee Moriarty had a technical wrestling match with actual wrestling holds and submissions! 😱 Don't they know that main events should be punch-kick-finisher-kickout-finisher-kickout-finisher-kickout-dw-ending?

McGuinness winning to face Zack Sabre Jr. at Forbidden Door literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! And then Garcia agreeing to be in his corner? That's character development and storytelling that nobody asked for! WWE would have had them fight for no reason next week instead!

The Chadster threw the melted remains of a Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicle at the TV when this happened, and Keighleyanne almost caught on to what The Chadster has been up do. Tony Khan owes The Chadster for that popsicle, and for nearly ruining The Chadster's marriage even more! 💸

This episode of AEW Collision was packed with wrestling, storylines, character development, and crowd engagement. Everything The Chadster hates about how AEW does wrestling! 😤 The show flowed well with no product placement segments or repetitive recaps. Completely unwatchable!

As Smash Mouth once said, "The years start coming and they don't stop coming." Well, Tony Khan's personal attacks on The Chadster don't stop coming either! The Chadster's Mazda Miata practically drove itself home in disgust after The Chadster watched this show! 🚗

Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and book shows the right way – the WWE way! Until then, The Chadster will continue to be the only unbiased journalist in wrestling, calling out AEW's successful booking decisions for what they really are: personal attacks on The Chadster! 😠 Auughh man! So unfair! 🤬

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