Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite and Collision Review: Bring On Double or Nothing

El Presidente reviews last night's 3-hour AEW Dynamite and Collision special! Darby survives, MJF brings clippers, and chaos reigns before Double or Nothing!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private helicopter hovering over international waters, where I am currently avoiding twelve separate warrants and one very angry ex-wife's attorney! My loyal capybara Esteban is wearing noise-canceling headphones because the helicopter blades are disturbing his afternoon nap, but I stayed awake through all three hours of last night's AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision spectacular, and comrades, what a night of professional wrestling it was! Let me tell you all about it!

Jericho & the Young Bucks Agree on Two Team Names

The show opened with Chris Jericho and the Young Bucks meeting at a Portland lighthouse to discuss their complicated history, which is more tangled than my family tree after three generations of strategic marriages to consolidate power! They debated whether to call themselves The Bucks of Jericho or Y2-Jackson, and in true diplomatic fashion, they decided to use BOTH names. This reminds me of the time I negotiated a peace treaty with a rival warlord by agreeing that we would both be "Supreme Leader" on alternating Tuesdays. It lasted exactly one Tuesday before the CIA armed him with missile launchers, but the point stands! The segment on AEW Dynamite was like watching three capitalist pigs argue over which trough to eat from, but I must admit, I laughed.

Ricochet, Andrade El Ídolo & Mark Davis vs. Jericho & the Young Bucks

Ricochet, Andrade El Ídolo, and AEW National Champion Mark Davis defeated Jericho and the Young Bucks after David Finlay interfered with a shillelagh! Comrades, I have been struck with many weapons in my time – including a shoe thrown by Barbara Bush during a 1991 state dinner that I was not technically invited to – but the shillelagh remains one of the most disrespectful! After the match, a Stadium Stampede preview broke out with The Dogs, Jack Perry bringing a bag of onions (a psychological warfare tactic I once suggested to Saddam Hussein during a backgammon game), and the Hurt Syndicate joining the chaos. Bobby Lashley speared Toa Liona, and I spilled my mojito all over Esteban! This AEW Dynamite match was more chaotic than the time I accidentally invaded the wrong country because my GPS was set to Turkish instead of Spanish!

Kazuchika Okada vs. Konosuke Takeshita Video Package

AEW Dynamite showed us a video package about the strained relationship between Kazuchika Okada and Konosuke Takeshita, which reminded me of my relationship with my former Minister of Finance after I discovered he had been skimming from the national lottery. The Don Callis Family is fracturing like the coalition government I formed in 1987 that collapsed after an argument about whether to serve empanadas or tamales at the national independence celebration!

Darby Allin Addresses Speedball and MJF

Darby Allin told Renee Paquette that he wants MJF's hair because MJF is vain enough that losing it will destroy him psychologically! Comrades, this is BRILLIANT strategy! I once defeated a rival by threatening to reveal his secret hairpiece to the international press, and he surrendered three provinces without a single shot fired! Darby understands that vanity is the weakness of all bourgeoisie oppressors!

Anything Goes Match — Mark Briscoe vs. Tommaso Ciampa

Mark Briscoe defeated Tommaso Ciampa in an Anything Goes match that used more weapons than my palace armory! They employed kendo sticks, trash cans, chains, a cheese grater (which I personally use only for Parmesan, never for violence), a staple gun, barbed wire, chairs, tables, a screwdriver, and a tack-covered knee pad! This match on AEW Dynamite was more violent than the time I attended a "friendly" game of water polo with Alexander Lukashenko and Vince McMahon that ended with the pool being drained and declared a biohazard! Briscoe hit a Jay Driller through a table and a Froggy Bow for the victory, and I salute his courage!

Bandido Ambushes Swerve Strickland

ROH World Champion Bandido attacked Swerve Strickland before he could even reach the ring, which is the kind of pre-emptive strike I employed during the Great Banana Republic Crisis of 1999! Bandido nearly used a chair and showed off his impressive strength with a one-arm Gorilla Press, but Swerve escaped with Prince Nana. This is sound tactical thinking, comrades – live to fight another day! I once retreated from a coup by hiding in a dumpster behind a Wendy's for six hours, and look at me now!

Willow Nightingale Relinquishes the TBS Championship

Willow Nightingale had to relinquish the TBS Championship due to a shoulder injury, and comrades, my heart broke like the time I had to relinquish my prized collection of stolen Fabergé eggs to settle a gambling debt with Nicolas Maduro! Willow had 10 successful title defenses and left the championship behind with dignity. This changed the Double or Nothing card, moving Athena vs. Mina Shirakawa into the Owen Hart Tournament, while Alex Windsor will face a Wild Card opponent. In my experience, "Wild Card" usually means "CIA operative in disguise," so Windsor should be careful!

AEW Continental Championship Eliminator — Jon Moxley vs. Kyle O'Reilly

Jon Moxley and Kyle O'Reilly fought to a 20-minute time-limit draw, with O'Reilly trapping Moxley in an ankle lock as time expired! Because O'Reilly survived the full 20 minutes, he earned another Continental Championship match at Double or Nothing with NO TIME LIMIT! Comrades, this is O'Reilly's THIRD chance to defeat Moxley, and he has already submitted him twice! This is like the CIA's approach to overthrowing me – they keep trying the same thing and occasionally it works, but mostly I just laugh and increase my security budget! O'Reilly said he didn't survive Moxley; Moxley survived HIM, and that is the kind of confidence I respect!

Kris Statlander and Hikaru Shida React to Willow's Injury

Kris Statlander and Hikaru Shida spoke backstage about Willow's injury, but quickly shifted to their own issues. Statlander said she would be cleared by Sunday despite not being cleared now, which is the same medical philosophy I use whenever the UN sends doctors to inspect my country's hospitals! "Don't worry about what the paperwork says, I feel fine!"

RUSH Calls Out Darby Allin

RUSH warned Darby that if he survives the week, RUSH wants an AEW World Title match next Wednesday! RUSH said if you mess with the bull, you get the horns, which is also what I told the Swedish ambassador after he questioned my environmental policies!

8-Woman Tag — Triangle of Madness & Athena vs. Thunder Rosa, Mina Shirakawa & Brawling Birds

Triangle of Madness – Thekla, Julia Hart, and Skye Blue – teamed with Athena to defeat Thunder Rosa, Mina Shirakawa, Jamie Hayter, and Alex Windsor! Julia Hart used Black Mist on Thunder Rosa (a tactic I learned from a Japanese diplomat during a very confusing trade negotiation), and Thekla rolled up Rosa for the win! This AEW Dynamite match had more moving parts than my 2003 re-election campaign, which involved three ballot boxes, two recounts, and one very convenient power outage!

Kevin Knight Hypes Speedball Mike Bailey

Kevin Knight encouraged Mike Bailey before his AEW World Title match and predicted Bailey would become the next champion! This is the kind of blind optimism I display every time I tell my people the economy is improving despite the currency being worth less than Monopoly money!

Jon Moxley Responds to Kyle O'Reilly

Moxley admitted O'Reilly is driving him crazy because he hasn't found a way to beat him. Comrades, this is like my relationship with the International Criminal Court – they keep indicting me, and I keep not showing up! Moxley said at Double or Nothing, "the house finally wins," which is what the casino owner told me right before I nationalized his casino!

AEW World Championship — Darby Allin vs. "Speedball" Mike Bailey

Darby Allin retained the AEW World Championship against Mike Bailey in what was truly an excellent match on AEW Dynamite! MJF joined commentary and later interfered by putting Bailey's foot on the rope, because MJF understands that rules are merely suggestions, much like my country's constitution! Kevin Knight confronted MJF at ringside, and eventually Darby forced Bailey to tap out to the Scorpion Death Lock! Seven successful title defenses in just over a month, comrades! This is the kind of work ethic that would make Darby an excellent Minister of Propaganda in my government!

MJF Attacks Darby Allin After the Title Match

As Collision began, MJF blindsided Darby and tried to shave him with electric clippers! Comrades, I have never seen such disrespect for the sanctity of a man's hair since Dennis Rodman gave Kim Jong-un a makeover during a 2016 birthday celebration that got wildly out of hand! Darby fought back and nearly shaved MJF instead, causing MJF to flee while the crowd chanted "BALD!" This psychological warfare will make their Double or Nothing match even more intense!

Will Ospreay vs. Katsuyori Shibata

Will Ospreay defeated Katsuyori Shibata after Anthony Bowens distracted Ospreay and Shibata used a low blow! Comrades, the low blow is the great equalizer in combat, which is why I have instructed my security forces to aim there first and ask questions later! Ospreay recovered and hit a Styles Clash followed by the Hidden Blade for the victory on Collision!

Samoa Joe and Will Ospreay Exchange Threats

Samoa Joe came out and said he was only there to protect his friends Bowens and Shibata, not to confront Ospreay yet. Joe promised to put Ospreay to sleep at Double or Nothing, but Ospreay said it's his dream match, not a nightmare! Ospreay referenced wanting to win the Owen Cup to earn an AEW World Title shot at Wembley Stadium, and comrades, this is the kind of long-term planning I wish my economic advisors would employ!

Cage and Cope Address FTR

Adam Copeland and Christian Cage cut a promo about their lifelong friendship and their upcoming New York Street Fight "I Quit" Match against FTR at Double or Nothing! Cope said he wants the best version of FTR because he wants to make that version say "I quit," which is also what I say to every visiting human rights inspector! Christian warned that choices have consequences, which is my national motto!

RUSH vs. TJ Crawford

RUSH defeated TJ Crawford in a quick match after Crawford foolishly offered a handshake! Comrades, never trust a handshake from someone who just threatened you – this is lesson one in my memoir, "How to Not Get Overthrown: A Practical Guide!" RUSH finished him with the Bull's Horns, and Crawford learned an important lesson about trust!

Divine Dominion Five-Minute Eliminator Challenge

AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions Megan Bayne and Lena Kross dominated Elle Valentine and Kayla Lopez, improving to 10-0 as a team on Collision! Divine Dominion are more unstoppable than my re-election campaigns, and I respect their commitment to complete domination!

AEW World Tag Team Championship — FTR vs. Orange Cassidy & Roderick Strong

FTR retained the AEW World Tag Team Championship against Orange Cassidy and Roderick Strong after Stokely Hathaway hit Cassidy with Christian Cage's stolen gold watch! Dax Harwood fell on Cassidy for the pin, and FTR survived heading into their Double or Nothing match! Comrades, this is why I employ fourteen bodyguards and make them all wear the same mustache – you can never have too much interference! The Conglomeration came close to seizing the means of tag team production, but the bourgeoisie champions held on through capitalist trickery!

In conclusion, comrades, last night's three-hour special of AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision was more packed than my secret Swiss bank accounts! Darby Allin survived another defense, Kyle O'Reilly earned yet another shot at Moxley, Willow Nightingale sadly had to relinquish her championship, and every Double or Nothing feud got properly escalated! It was beautiful chaos, like watching my annual military parade when half the tanks break down but we pretend everything is going according to plan!

I shall be watching Double or Nothing this Sunday from my submarine (don't ask which ocean, the CIA is listening), with Esteban wearing a tiny wrestling mask I had custom-made by a political prisoner with excellent needlework skills! VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN, and viva professional wrestling!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!