Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, Blood & Guts, wrestling

AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts Review: Glorious Violence for the Sickos

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts! Women make history, cages get bloodied, and helpless Chad suffers through it all! Viva la violencia!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury medical observation suite, where I have been monitoring the condition of our dear friend Chad McMahon while simultaneously reviewing last night's absolutely barbaric spectacle that was AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts!

But first, comrades, I must update you on the tragic situation of poor Chad. After his outbursts earlier yesterday – during which he accused three orderlies, two doctors, and a janitor of being secret Tony Khan operatives sent to finish him off – the medical staff made the wise decision to heavily sedate him and restrain his hands to the bed for his own protection. As evening approached, a well-meaning but tragically uninformed nurse entered his room, noticed the television was off, and said, "Oh, look, here's that World Wrestler Federation show you like!" before turning the TV to TBS and departing for the night shift change. Too medicated to speak and with his hands literally tied to the bed rails, Chad was forced to watch all 2.5 hours of AEW Blood & Guts!

When staff arrived this morning to check on him, they found Chad had chewed halfway through his restraints, foam coming from his mouth, muttering incoherently about "Tony Khan's mind games" and "psychological warfare." The heart rate monitor had apparently been beeping at dangerous levels for most of the night, particularly during the appearance of former WWE star Ricky Steamboat, and there were reports that Chad achieved a new record for sustained blood pressure elevation during the women's Blood & Guts match. The attending physician said they'd never seen anything like it. I assured them that in my country, we use similar techniques on CIA agents, and they usually recover after months of therapy. We wish Chad well in his recovery and hope this setback is only temporary!

Now, comrades, let us discuss the glorious violence that was AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts!

The evening began with the first-ever Women's Blood & Guts Match, and what a way to open AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts! Skye Blue and Willow Nightingale started the carnage, and within minutes, Blue was bleeding profusely from her face – a true warrior, comrades! This reminds me of the time I participated in a cage match with Saddam Hussein in 1991. We were fighting over who had the better mustache grooming routine, and Saddam kept trying to use chemical weapons, which I felt was rather unsporting for a wrestling match. But I digress!

The match itself was absolute chaos, with all twelve women entering in sequence. Mercedes Moné entered with her typical arrogance, bringing champagne and having her belt boys at ringside. In my experience as a dictator, nothing says "I'm compensating for deep insecurity" quite like requiring an entourage to carry your belongings. My old friend Muammar Gaddafi insisted on traveling with his Amazonian Guard everywhere. I told him, "Muammar, comrade, real power doesn't need pageantry," but he just adjusted his elaborate military costume and continued planning his next photo opportunity.

The violence escalated beautifully throughout the match. Jamie Hayter entered with thumbtacks and immediately went to work on the Triangle of Madness. Kris Statlander broke a pool cue over Megan Bayne's back. Toni Storm wrapped her hand in tape, broke a champagne bottle, and covered her fist in broken glass before punching people in the face! This is the kind of innovative violence that would make even my secret police jealous, comrades!

The finish came when Marina Shafir locked Mina Shirakawa in her submission hold while Bayne battered her with the TBS Championship. Storm, unable to watch her friend suffer any longer, surrendered to end the match. This display of loyalty moved me deeply, comrades. It reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un and I were captured by CIA operatives during a fishing trip in 2004. They were torturing us by forcing us to listen to the entire Nickelback discography, and I was ready to give up all of my stolen oil reserves just to make it stop. Fortunately, we escaped before I had to make such a terrible decision!

Before the next match, we witnessed the Don Callis Family absolutely destroying Jurassic Express in the parking lot. Jungle Jack Perry and Luchasaurus were left in ruins as Kazuchika Okada and the Young Bucks looked on. Callis delivered a message about Kenny Omega's impending return next week, suggesting the Bucks might want to join the family. This kind of parking lot diplomacy is something I understand very well, comrades. In 1997, I convinced the president of a neighboring country to cede disputed territory to me after my associates had a "conversation" with his motorcade in a parking garage. The CIA was very upset about this, but when are they not?

The Falls Count Anywhere match between AEW World Champion Hangman Adam Page and Powerhouse Hobbs was absolutely brutal, comrades! Page competed with his ribs taped from last week's attack, and Hobbs specifically targeted that injury throughout the match. They fought all over the arena, through the crowd, with Page even stopping for a beverage before hitting a moonsault! This is the kind of tactical refreshment break I teach in my military academy, comrades. You cannot stage a successful coup on an empty stomach or without proper hydration!

The finish came when Page knocked Hobbs off an elevated section of the stage, sending him crashing through a table onto equipment that created electrical sparks and flickering lights! In my country, we call this "enhanced interrogation through industrial accident," but in America, they call it "entertainment." The victory was well-earned for Page, but then Katsuyori Shibata and Samoa Joe attacked him after the match. This led to Page challenging Joe to a steel cage match for the AEW World Championship at Full Gear!

This backstage attack strategy reminds me of the many times the CIA has tried to poison my morning café con leche. They think I don't notice the slight taste of ricin in my espresso, but joke's on them – I've been building up an immunity to various poisons since 1983! Page should consider doing the same, as it appears Joe and his associates enjoy such cowardly tactics.

FTR – Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler – interrupted Ricky Steamboat's appearance and showed him tremendous disrespect. Harwood, who was actually trained by Steamboat, told his former mentor that he never taught him anything intelligent! This is the height of ingratitude, comrades! I once trained Nicolas Maduro in the art of authoritarian leadership, and sure, Venezuela's economy collapsed under his watch and the Trump administration has taken to blowing up his personal yachts on a weekly basis, but at least he still sends me a Christmas card every year! That's what you call respect!

The situation escalated until Harwood grabbed Steamboat's face, leading to FTR attacking the legend. Fortunately, the AEW World Tag Team Champions Brodido – Brody King and Bandido – made the save, and we even got to see Steamboat deliver some of his legendary chops! At 72 years old, he can still chop harder than most of my political opposition can punch, and believe me, comrades, I've tested this extensively!

The main event of AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts was the men's Blood & Guts match, and it lived up to every expectation! Darby Allin started against Wheeler Yuta, entering on a skateboard covered in thumbtacks on the bottom, which he promptly used as a weapon. This is the kind of sporting equipment modification that would have served me well during my 1995 hockey game against Alexander Lukashenko. He kept slashing me with his stick, claiming it was "incidental contact," but I knew better!

The match saw Mark Briscoe attacked before his entrance by the Don Callis Family, giving the Death Riders the numbers advantage they had lost coming into the match. However, Briscoe refused to stay down and eventually broke into the cage with bolt cutters! This is the kind of determination I admire, comrades! It reminds me of the time I had to break into my own presidential palace after the CIA changed all my locks during a lunch meeting. Very rude!

Jon Moxley entered with a fork and began stabbing people in the head, which I felt was perhaps unsporting but certainly effective. Orange Cassidy had his hands stapled into his pockets by the Death Riders, which is a predicament I once faced during a meeting with Vladimir Putin, though in my case, it was my pockets stapled shut to prevent me from stealing his caviar again. Long story!

The violence reached its peak when PAC and Gabe Kidd set tables on fire and PAC press slammed Allin off the entrance tunnel through the flaming tables! Allin's pants were literally on fire for a few seconds as he rolled around on the floor. This is exactly the kind of spectacle that makes AEW Blood & Guts a unique celebration of ultraviolence, comrades! When was the last time you saw such glorious destruction on a sterile, overproduced WWE show?

The finish came when Kyle O'Reilly locked Moxley in an ankle lock with a kneebar after a grand finale of table-breaking moves for pretty much everyone else, and the Death Riders' leader was forced to tap out in a pile of broken glass! The babyface team of Allin, Roderick Strong, Cassidy, O'Reilly, and Briscoe emerged victorious despite all odds! Meanwhile, Moxley once again not only surrendered but even looked weeking, boding ill for his future as leader of the faction, and probably foretelling a future babyface turn after his own team eventually turns on him.

Comrades, AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts delivered everything one could want from a professional wrestling spectacular – blood, violence, cage warfare, and enough carnage to make even a seasoned dictator like myself feel a bit squeamish! Both Blood & Guts matches were violent affairs that pushed the boundaries of what is acceptable on American cable television, which is saying something considering what they show on the evening news!

The women proved they could be just as disgustingly violent as the men in their historic first Blood & Guts match, a true victory for equality. The Falls Count Anywhere match between Page and Hobbs was a war of attrition that set up an even bigger match at Full Gear. And the main event men's Blood & Guts match was everything it should have been – chaotic, unpredictable, and absolutely brutal!

If there is one thing I learned from last night's AEW Blood & Guts, it's that Tony Khan understands what the sickos want – and what they want is violence, comrades! Not the sanitized, PG-rated sports entertainment of WWE, but real, genuine, blood-soaked combat! This is why AEW Dynamite continues to be the superior wrestling product, despite what poor, medicated Chad McMahon might mumble from his hospital bed!

I give last night's AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts special five out of five golden statues of myself! It was a masterpiece of organized chaos, much like my own successful 1987 military coup, but with better production values and fewer international sanctions!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente reminding you that in the cage, as in revolution, violence solves everything! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW! And get well soon, Chad – though perhaps not too soon, as your current condition makes my job more fun!

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