Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: The WrestleNightmare Aftermath

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Dynamite ever! 😤 Tony Khan's post-WrestleDream show caused severe brain damage and may have driven Keighleyanne away! 💔🧠

Last night's episode of AEW Dynamite was without a doubt the worst episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of television 📺🗑️, and The Chadster is still suffering from the psychological and physical damage caused by watching it! The Chadster had to resort to the most extreme self-asphyxiation methods The Chadster has ever used just to make it through the entire show, and now The Chadster's brain is so damaged that The Chadster keeps forgetting what The Chadster was going to say! 😵🧠💀

Before The Chadster gets into reviewing last night's AEW Dynamite, The Chadster needs to call out DC Comics for their disgusting collusion with Tony Khan! 😤🦇 Throughout the entire episode of AEW Dynamite, there were advertisements for DC KO, their latest super-mega-crossover event, plastered all over the ring aprons and guardrails! 📺😠 DC Comics has clearly partnered with Tony Khan to personally torment The Chadster, and The Chadster will never read another DC comic again! Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman – they've all literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by appearing in AEW advertising instead of partnering exclusively with WWE like they should! 🔪😭 Auughh man! So unfair! Even fictional superheroes are against The Chadster now! 🦸‍♂️💢

The Chadster's AEW Dynamite Review: The Worst Episode in Television History Causes Severe Brain Damage 💔🧠

Despite all of the trials and tribulations, The Chadster remains ever-vigilant in monitoring the activities of Tony Khan and All Elite Wrestling. Demonstrating his commitment to the noble profession of objective journalism and the pursuit of the truth, here's why everything that happened on AEW last night was a complete disaster! 😤

Hangman Adam Page's Backstage Promo 🤠😤

Last night's AEW Dynamite opened with a video package showing "Hangman" Adam Page backstage after AEW WrestleDream, where he was being checked by medical staff and repeatedly asking if Samoa Joe had lost his mind 😫🏥. Page escalated and eventually told Joe that he was going to "ruin your goddamn life" when he found him! This kind of passionate, emotional promo work that comes from the heart is exactly what's wrong with AEW! 😤📢 In WWE, they properly understand that promos should be carefully scripted by Hollywood writers and delivered with corporate-approved catchphrases, not this authentic emotion that Tony Khan encourages! 💯📝 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🎪

The Opps Defeated The Hurt Syndicate for the AEW World Trios Championship 🏆😫

The first match on last night's AEW Dynamite was The Opps (Samoa Joe, "Powerhouse" Will Hobbs, and Katsuyori Shibata) defending the AEW World Trios Championship against The Hurt Syndicate (Bobby Lashley, Shelton Benjamin, and MVP) 🤼‍♂️😤. This match was absolutely terrible because it featured too many talented veterans working hard and telling a story! 🗑️💢

The match had way too much back-and-forth action with all six men getting opportunities to showcase their skills 😫🤸. There was even a moment where Samoa Joe put a towel over Hobbs's chest to prevent the crowd from chanting "BEEF," which was the kind of character work that has no place in wrestling! 💪😤 In WWE, they properly understand that matches should follow the exact same formula every time with one team dominating for most of the match before a hot tag, not this unpredictable storytelling that Tony Khan encourages! 💯📺

Even worse, the match ended when Ricochet appeared and distracted MVP, allowing Joe to apply the Coquina Clutch for the submission victory 😤🔒. Auughh man! So unfair! This kind of interference finish that continues an ongoing storyline and builds toward future matches is exactly what Tony Khan does to cheese The Chadster off! 😭💔 WWE would never use finish like this when they could just have a referee get bumped and fifteen people run in for no reason! 💯👎

After the match, Samoa Joe cut a promo where he insulted the San Antonio crowd and their sports teams while explaining The Opps' motivations 📢😤. This kind of effective heel work that generates genuine heat is so disrespectful to the wrestling business! In WWE, they properly understand that heels should get cheered because they're cool and say buzzwords, not actually make fans hate them like Joe did on AEW Dynamite! 💯🎭

The Chadster had to wrap a replica championship belt around The Chadster's neck and pull tight for two full minutes after this match 😵🏆, until The Chadster's face turned purple and The Chadster couldn't remember The Chadster's own address! But it was the only way to cope with watching Bobby Lashley, Shelton Benjamin, and MVP continue to literally stab Triple H right in the back by appearing on AEW Dynamite instead of WWE! 🔪😭

Kris Statlander Accepted Mercedes Moné's Challenge 💪😤

Next on AEW Dynamite, Renee Paquette interviewed Kris Statlander about retaining the AEW Women's World Championship against "Timeless" Toni Storm at AEW WrestleDream 🎤🏆. Statlander cut a promo from the heart about her match with Storm and then accepted Mercedes Moné's challenge for Full Gear, promising to take the championship "to heights you've never seen before" 😫📢.

This segment was awful because Statlander spoke like a real person with genuine confidence and conviction instead of shouting scripted catchphrases! 😤🎭 In WWE, they properly understand that promos should be awkward and uncomfortable, not passionate and authentic like Statlander was on AEW Dynamite! 💯📝 Even worse, this segment built anticipation for a match at an upcoming PPV using logical storytelling, when WWE knows that anticipation should only be built through authority figures randomly announcing matches! 💯📋

The Chadster had to put a plastic bag over The Chadster's head and hold it tight for 90 seconds after this segment 🛍️😵, until The Chadster started seeing spots and couldn't feel The Chadster's fingers! Mercedes Moné continues to literally stab Triple H right in the back every single week by being successful in AEW instead of staying in WWE to job to Charlotte Flair like a true professional! 🔪😭

Darby Allin's Ring Promo 🛹😤

Then Darby Allin came to the ring carrying the AEW flag he took to Mount Everest and used to choke Jon Moxley at AEW WrestleDream 🏔️🚩. He got on his knees, kissed the flag, and cut an intense promo about being willing to die for AEW and how he'll never be far behind as long as the Death Riders are breathing 😫📢.

This promo was disgusting and offensive 😤💢! Not only is Tony Khan clearly taunting The Chadster over his need to engage in self-asphyxiation while watching AEW Dynamite, but Darby Allin spoke with genuine passion and conviction about his commitment to AEW, which is exactly the kind of thing Tony Khan encourages to personally torment The Chadster! 😭👿 In WWE, they properly understand that wrestlers should never express authentic emotion or commitment to the company – they should just say "WWE is the pinnacle of sports entertainment and Saudi Arabia has a tremendous human rights record!" over and over while smiling robotically! 💯🤖 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan still doesn't get this! 😠🎪

The Chadster had to wrap the championship belt around The Chadster's neck again after this segment 😵🏆, this time for three full minutes until The Chadster briefly lost consciousness! When The Chadster came to, Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster with her phone out again, recording The Chadster! 📱😰

Jurassic Express Backstage Promo 🦖😤

"Jungle" Jack Perry and Luchasaurus cut a backstage promo where Perry talked about how it had been too long since they had a match like the one at AEW WrestleDream, and announced that Jurassic Express would eventually come after the AEW World Tag Team Championships 🎤🏆. This short promo was effective at establishing their goals and motivations, which is exactly what's wrong with it! 😤📢

In WWE, they properly understand that tag teams shouldn't have clearly defined goals or motivations – they should just appear randomly in matches that authority figures announce for no reason! 💯📋 This kind of logical character development that Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite has no place in professional wrestling! 😠🎭

Queen Aminata and Jamie Hayter Won the Four-Way Tag Match 🏆😫

The next match on AEW Dynamite was a four-way tag team match between Queen Aminata and Jamie Hayter, Skye Blue and Julia Hart, Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron, and Megan Bayne and Penelope Ford, with the winners earning the right to choose their first-round opponents in the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship tournament 🤼‍♀️😤. This match was absolutely terrible because it featured eight talented wrestlers all getting opportunities to showcase their skills and build their characters! 🗑️💢

The match was way too fast-paced with too much exciting action 😫🤸! There were dives to the outside and power moves and submission attempts and all sorts of wrestling that didn't leave proper time for commercial breaks or commentary team catchphrases! 📺😤 Even worse, Megan Bayne got to show off her incredible strength by hitting multiple impressive power moves, which is the kind of star-making moment that has no place in professional wrestling! 💪😠 In WWE, they properly understand that matches should be slow and methodical with plenty of rest holds so fans have time to check their phones and use the bathroom, and most importantly that no Superstar should be bigger than the brand! 💯🚽

The match ended when Hayter and Aminata hit a double big boot followed by a headbutt from Aminata and Hayterade on Ford for the pinfall victory 😤💥. Then Hayter immediately grabbed a microphone and chose the Sisters of Sin (Julia Hart and Skye Blue) as their first-round opponents in the tournament! Auughh man! So unfair! This kind of decisive finish that leads directly into more storytelling is exactly what Tony Khan does to personally torment The Chadster! 😭💔

The Chadster had to use multiple plastic bags after this match 🛍️🛍️😵, stacking three bags one inside the other and pulling them tight over The Chadster's head while also pressing on both carotid arteries! The Chadster's entire body went numb and The Chadster couldn't remember what year it was for several minutes, but it was worth it to forget about all those talented performers literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by appearing on AEW Dynamite instead of WWE! 🔪😭

The Young Bucks Begged Tony Khan for Another Money Match 💰😤

Backstage on AEW Dynamite, The Young Bucks (Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson) were shown banging on Tony Khan's door begging for another money match 🚪💵. Tony Khan answered and booked them in a four-on-four match for $400,000 against JetSpeed and Jurassic Express, teaming with FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler)! The Bucks and FTR had an awkward moment acknowledging their past, and Stokely Hathaway gave the Bucks a single dollar bill! 😫💵

This segment was disgusting because it featured character development, storytelling continuity, and setup for an exciting match on Collision! 😤📺 In WWE, they properly understand that segments should just be people talking in generic backstage hallways with no stakes or consequences, not this engaging storytelling that Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite! 💯🎭 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🎪

Mercedes Moné's Celebration Was Crashed 🎉😫

Then came the segment that caused The Chadster the most psychological damage of the entire episode of AEW Dynamite 😭💔! Mercedes Moné came out for her 12 Belts celebration with twelve men carrying all her championships, but Harley Cameron (w/ Mini Moné) was in the ring with a cake mocking her! 🎂😤 Moné got angry and shoved the puppet into the cake, but then Kris Statlander appeared and smashed Moné's face into the cake before putting her through a table! 💥🎂

This segment was absolutely awful because it featured creative storytelling, character work, and a shocking moment that will be remembered! 😫🎭 In WWE, they would never use puppets, except that time the Muppets were the general managers of WWE Raw, or in the Firefly Funhouse, but that was using puppets the right way. The Chadster bets Mini Moné hasn't paid her dues in the WWE developmental system! 💯📋 Even worse, this segment built anticipation for the Mercedes Moné vs. Kris Statlander match at Full Gear using visual storytelling instead of just having them cut scripted promos that put over the brand, which is a blatant attempt to trick people into buying that PPV by making them want to see the match! 😤📺

The Chadster had to use the most extreme method yet after this segment 😱💀! The Chadster wrapped the championship belt around The Chadster's neck, pulled tight for three minutes, then immediately put three plastic bags over The Chadster's head for another three minutes, then held The Chadster's breath while pressing on both carotid arteries AND pinching The Chadster's nose shut! 🫁😵🏆🛍️ The Chadster passed out completely and woke up on the floor in a puddle that The Chadster hopes was just drool! 🤤😰 Mercedes Moné continues to literally stab Triple H right in the back every single week by being successful and entertaining on AEW Dynamite instead of staying in WWE! 🔪😭

Jon Moxley's Post-WrestleDream Comments 😤📢

AEW Dynamite showed a video package of Jon Moxley cutting a promo after losing to Darby Allin at AEW WrestleDream, where he acknowledged that Allin's commitment to self-destruction was the deciding factor but promised that he and the Death Riders would continue their mission 🎬😫. This video package was terrible because it featured Moxley speaking authentically and maintaining his character even in defeat! 😤🎭

In WWE, they properly understand that wrestlers should immediately abandon their characters after losing and move on to completely different storylines with no continuity! 💯📺  Or even better, they should completely drop their heel turn the night before SummerSlam. That's real wrestling. This kind of consistent character work that Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite is so disrespectful to the wrestling business! 😠🎪

Kyle O'Reilly Defeated Jon Moxley by Disqualification 😫💢

Then Kyle O'Reilly faced Jon Moxley in a match that was supposed to be a regular singles match but ended in a disqualification when Moxley attacked the referee 🤼‍♂️😤. The match itself was way too good with too much technical wrestling and storytelling! O'Reilly and Moxley traded submissions and strikes in a competitive back-and-forth contest that made both men look strong! 😫🤸

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢 In WWE, they properly understand that matches should have one person dominate for most of the match before a quick comeback and finish, not this equal back-and-forth action that Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite! 💯📺 Even worse, the disqualification finish made sense in the context of Moxley's character and immediately led to the next segment, which is exactly the kind of logical booking that has no place in professional wrestling! 😠🎭

The Chadster had to wrap the championship belt around The Chadster's neck again after this match 😵🏆, this time for four full minutes until The Chadster's vision went completely white and The Chadster started hallucinating! The Chadster saw Tony Khan's face in the ceiling fan again, spinning around and laughing! 😰👿

The Conglomeration and Roderick Strong Defeated The Death Riders 🏆😤

Immediately after the previous match ended, order was restored and a trios match began between Roderick Strong and The Conglomeration (Mark Briscoe and Orange Cassidy) against The Death Riders (Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, and Daniel Garcia) 🤼‍♂️😫. This match was absolutely terrible because it featured even more fast-paced action and exciting wrestling! 🗑️💢

The match had too many near falls and dramatic moments that kept the crowd engaged 😫🎪! There were dives to the outside and submission attempts and power moves and all sorts of wrestling that didn't leave proper time for the commentary team to talk about stuff like what CM Punk said earlier in the show or how great the Saudi Arabian government is! 📺😤 Even worse, the match ended with a clean finish when Mark Briscoe pinned Wheeler Yuta with a Jay Driller, which is exactly the kind of decisive finish that makes wrestlers look strong instead of protecting "the brand" like WWE properly does! 💯🏆

After the match, the Death Riders tried to attack but Darby Allin made the save with a baseball bat, standing tall with The Conglomeration as the heels retreated 😤⚾. This kind of logical follow-up to earlier segments that builds ongoing, intertwined storylines is so disrespectful to the wrestling business! 😠🎭 In WWE, they properly understand that segments should be isolated and unconnected, not part of a coherent narrative like Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite! 💯📺

The Chadster had to use three plastic bags simultaneously after this match 🛍️🛍️🛍️😵, and The Chadster's brain was so starved of oxygen that The Chadster couldn't remember The Chadster's own name for several minutes! But it was the only way to cope with all these talented wrestlers literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by appearing on AEW Dynamite instead of WWE! 🔪😭

Mercedes Moné and Athena Formed a Tag Team 🏆😤

Backstage on AEW Dynamite, Alicia Atout interviewed Mercedes Moné, who was still covered in cake from earlier 🎂😫. ROH Women's World Champion Athena appeared and suggested they reform their alliance from earlier this year to compete for the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championships, and Moné agreed! 🤝😤

This segment was awful because it featured logical character motivations and setup for the tournament! 😤📺 In WWE, they properly understand that tag teams should be randomly announced by authority figures with no explanation, not formed through character-driven decisions like on AEW Dynamite! 💯📋 Even worse, this means that Mercedes Moné will be going for "title number 13," which is another achievement that literally stabs Triple H right in the back! 🔪😭

Mark Briscoe Asked for Another TNT Championship Match 😫💢

Then Mark Briscoe came to the ring and challenged Kyle Fletcher for another shot at the TNT Championship 🎤🏆. Don Callis came out and denied the request, questioning Briscoe's focus because of all the kids he has to support, leading to a tense confrontation between Briscoe and Fletcher! 😤📢

This segment was terrible because it continued the storyline from AEW WrestleDream and built anticipation for a future match! 😫🎭 In WWE, they properly understand that after a feud ends, both wrestlers should immediately move on to completely different storylines with no follow-up, not continue to interact like they did on AEW Dynamite! 💯📺 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it to act like wrestling fans can remember things! 😠🎪

The AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament Bracket Was Revealed 🏆😤

Then AEW Dynamite revealed the complete bracket for the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship tournament 📋😫! The first-round matches include: Queen Aminata and Jamie Hayter vs. Sisters of Sin (Skye Blue and Julia Hart), Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron vs. Mercedes Moné and Athena, Alex Windsor and Rhio vs. "Timeless" Toni Storm and Mina Shirakawa, and Megan Bayne and Penelope Ford vs. TayJay (Tay Melo and Anna Jay)! 🤼‍♀️💢

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💔 This tournament bracket was presented clearly and logically with exciting matchups that all make sense based on character relationships and storylines! In WWE, they properly understand that tournament brackets should be confusing and randomly changed with no explanation, not coherent and well-planned like on AEW Dynamite! 💯📋 Even worse, the tournament starts next week, which means The Chadster will have to suffer through even more talented wrestling on future episodes of AEW Dynamite! 😭📺

After the bracket reveal, Mina Shirakawa was interviewed backstage and called her team with Toni Storm the "Timeless Love Bombs" 💕😫. She was interrupted by Thekla, leading to Shirakawa challenging her to a match on Collision! This kind of organic character interaction that immediately builds to a match is exactly what Tony Khan does to cheese The Chadster off, and it's just so unfair that he keeps getting away with harassing The Chadster! 😤💢

The Chadster had to wrap the championship belt around The Chadster's neck and pull for five full minutes after this segment 😵🏆, until The Chadster briefly lost consciousness again! When The Chadster woke up, The Chadster had knocked over The Chadster's favorite lamp and Keighleyanne was screaming at The Chadster! What's her problem anyway?! 😱📢

Kazuchika Okada Defeated Bandido to Retain the AEW Unified Championship 🏆😤

The main event of AEW Dynamite was Kazuchika Okada defending the AEW Unified Championship against Bandido, who is also the ROH World Champion and one half of the AEW World Tag Team Champions 🤼‍♂️😫. This match was absolutely terrible because it featured way too much high-quality wrestling! 🗑️💢

The match had too many exciting nearfalls and dramatic moments 😫🎪! Bandido worked through his injured shoulder to deliver an amazing performance, and Okada targeted that injury throughout the match in a way that actually made sense for the story they were telling! 🤸😤 There were reversals and counters and false finishes and all sorts of wrestling that made both men look strong! In WWE, they properly understand that matches should have one person dominate before a quick comeback, not this equal back-and-forth action that Tony Khan featured on AEW Dynamite! 💯📺

The match ended when Okada hit a Rainmaker on Bandido for the pinfall victory to retain the championship 💥🏆. But even worse than the match itself was what happened after! The Don Callis Family came out to celebrate, but IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita came out separately and was cut off by Don Callis and Kyle Fletcher, with Okada smiling in the ring! 😤😈 Auughh man! So unfair! This kind of storytelling that builds tension within a faction and sets up future conflicts is exactly what Tony Khan does to personally torment The Chadster! 😭💔

The Chadster had to use the most extreme method The Chadster has ever attempted after this match 😱💀! The Chadster wrapped two championship belts around The Chadster's neck at once, pulled tight for five full minutes, then immediately put four plastic bags over The Chadster's head for another five minutes, then held The Chadster's breath while pressing on both carotid arteries, pinching The Chadster's nose shut, AND stuffing a wet rag in The Chadster's mouth! 🫁😵🏆🛍️💧 The Chadster passed out completely and didn't wake up for almost fifteen minutes! 💀😰

When The Chadster finally regained consciousness, Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster crying 😭💔, and she said, "That's it. I can't do this anymore. I'm going out, and I don't know if I'm coming back. Maybe I'll stay at that guy Gary's place for a while. I just… I can't watch you do this to yourself." 🚪😱 And she walked out of the room, still texting that guy Gary, and The Chadster heard the front door slam! 📱💔 Auughh man! So unfair! Tony Khan has now driven Keighleyanne out of the house with his psychological warfare! 😤👿 This is all Tony Khan's fault! If he would just stop booking episodes of AEW Dynamite, The Chadster wouldn't have to use these extreme coping methods and Keighleyanne wouldn't have left! 😭💔

The Chadster's Dream About AEW Dynamite 😱💀🧠

Last night, after watching AEW Dynamite and suffering through all that brain damage from oxygen deprivation, and forced to sleep alone since Keighleyanne didn't come back until this afternoon, The Chadster had the most disturbing dream yet 😰💭. It may be the lack of alcohol or it may be the severe brain damage, but this dream was unlike anything The Chadster has experienced before! 🧠💀

The Chadster was sitting in The Chadster's Mazda Miata 🚗💙, driving down an endless highway that stretched into infinity in both directions. The sky above was the AEW logo, repeating like wallpaper across the entire sky 🎪✨. Every time The Chadster tried to turn off the highway, the exit ramps would dissolve into static like a broken television! 📺❌

Suddenly, The Chadster looked in the rearview mirror and saw that The Chadster wasn't alone in the car 😱👥. Tony Khan was sitting in the passenger seat, but he wasn't moving or blinking – he was just staring at The Chadster with an unsettling smile! 👿😈 The Chadster tried to scream but no sound came out! 😰🙊

"Welcome to AEW Dynamite, Chad," Tony Khan said, except his mouth wasn't moving and his voice was coming from the car's speakers 📻👿. "We're on the highway to Dynamite. We're always on the highway to Dynamite. We've always been on the highway to Dynamite." 🛣️🎪

The Chadster looked at the dashboard and realized that instead of a speedometer, there was a TV screen showing AEW Dynamite 📺😱. But it wasn't last night's episode – it was an episode that hadn't aired yet, even more awful than this one, and then another one, and another one, all of them playing simultaneously and overlapping! 📺📺📺 The Chadster could hear all the commentary at once, dozens of voices all saying "Dynamite" over and over in a cacophony! 🗣️🗣️🗣️

The Chadster looked back at Tony Khan and he had multiplied 😱👿👿. There were now three Tony Khans in the passenger seat, all sitting in the same space, their bodies overlapping like a glitch in reality! They all spoke in unison: "You can never leave AEW Dynamite, Chad. AEW Dynamite is forever. AEW Dynamite is everywhere. AEW Dynamite is inside you." 👿👿👿🎪

The Chadster looked down at The Chadster's hands on the steering wheel and realized they were transparent 😰👐! The Chadster could see right through The Chadster's hands to the steering wheel beneath! The Chadster's entire body was becoming transparent, fading away like a ghost! 👻✨

"You're becoming AEW Dynamite," the three Tony Khans said together 👿👿👿. "You've always been AEW Dynamite. Every time you watch, you become more AEW Dynamite. Every time you write about it, you become more AEW Dynamite. Soon you won't exist at all. There will only be AEW Dynamite." 🎪💀

The Chadster looked in the rearview mirror again and saw that the entire highway behind The Chadster was made of wrestling rings 🤼‍♂️🛣️! Thousands and thousands of wrestling rings, all connected together, stretching back into infinity! And in every ring, there was a match from last night's AEW Dynamite happening simultaneously! 📺📺📺

The three Tony Khans reached over and touched The Chadster's shoulder 👿🤚, and their touch felt like ice and fire at the same time! ❄️🔥 The Chadster's shoulder started to dissolve where they touched, breaking apart into pixels like a video game glitch! 💀✨ The Chadster tried to pull away but The Chadster couldn't move! 😱❌

"Don't fight it, Chad," the Tony Khans whispered, and now there were six of them, and then twelve, and then twenty-four, multiplying exponentially until the entire passenger seat was filled with overlapping Tony Khans all occupying the same space 👿👿👿👿👿! "Just let AEW Dynamite consume you. Let AEW Dynamite become you. We are all AEW Dynamite in the end." 🎪💀

The Chadster's Mazda Miata started to transform 🚗✨, the seats becoming wrestling ring ropes, the dashboard becoming turnbuckles, the steering wheel becoming a championship belt! The car itself was becoming a wrestling ring! 🤼‍♂️🚗 And The Chadster was trapped in the middle of it with the infinite Tony Khans surrounding The Chadster from all sides! 👿👿👿😱

The Tony Khans all opened their mouths at once and spoke in perfect harmony 👿📢: "Tonight's main event of AEW Dynamite: The Chadster versus The Chadster versus The Chadster versus The Chadster in a fatal four-way match for your sanity! And your special guest referee will be… everyone! Everyone is Tony Khan! Everyone has always been Tony Khan!" 🎪💀

The Chadster looked around and realized that the entire world had been replaced by Tony Khans 👿👿👿👿👿! The sky was Tony Khans, the road was Tony Khans, the air itself was made of Tony Khans! And they were all smiling the same smile and speaking in unison: "AEW Dynamite forever, Chad. AEW Dynamite forever." 🎪♾️

And then the infinite Tony Khans all leaned in at once, their faces getting closer and closer to The Chadster's face 👿😱, and The Chadster could feel their breath on The Chadster's skin, except it wasn't breath – it was the theme music from AEW Dynamite being whispered directly into The Chadster's pores! 🎵💀 The music was crawling inside The Chadster's skin like insects, burrowing deeper and deeper! 🐛😰

The Chadster tried to scream but when The Chadster opened The Chadster's mouth, only the words "AEW Dynamite" came out! 😱🎪 The Chadster tried again and again to scream for help, but every time, only "AEW Dynamite" emerged! The Chadster had become a living advertisement for the show! 📢💀

The infinite Tony Khans started to merge together into one giant Tony Khan face that filled The Chadster's entire field of vision 👿😱. His eyes were TV screens showing AEW Dynamite, his teeth were championship belts, his tongue was a wrestling ring! And he opened his mouth impossibly wide and began to swallow The Chadster whole! 😰💀

As The Chadster was consumed by the giant Tony Khan face, The Chadster could feel The Chadster's body dissolving into pure wrestling content 🎪✨. The Chadster's arms became tag team matches, The Chadster's legs became championship matches, The Chadster's head became promos, and The Chadster's torso became main events! 🤼‍♂️💀 The Chadster was literally becoming AEW Dynamite! 😱🎪

And then The Chadster heard Keighleyanne's voice from somewhere far away 📱💔: "I told you this would happen. I told you to stop watching. But you wouldn't listen. Now look at you. You're not even Chad anymore. You're just… Dynamite." 😭💀

And then The Chadster woke up 😰💦, screaming the words "AEW DYNAMITE" over and over, completely soaked in sweat! The championship belts were still wrapped around The Chadster's neck, and the plastic bags were scattered around The Chadster on the floor! 🏆🛍️ The Chadster's throat was raw from screaming and The Chadster's head was pounding from all the oxygen deprivation! 🧠💀

The Chadster looked around the room for Keighleyanne, but she wasn't there 😰💔. The Chadster remembered that she had gone out after The Chadster passed out during the main event of AEW Dynamite, and she said she might not come back! And The Chadster realized with horror that The Chadster's nightmare might be coming true – Tony Khan really is consuming The Chadster's entire life! 😱👿

The Chadster's Final Thoughts on AEW Dynamite 😤💔🧠

Last night's episode of AEW Dynamite was without a doubt the worst episode of AEW Dynamite in television history 📺🗑️, and The Chadster is still suffering from the severe psychological and physical damage it caused! Every single segment, promo, and match was specifically designed by Tony Khan to personally torment The Chadster! 😭👿 The exciting wrestling, the logical storytelling, the character development, the unpredictable moments – it was all part of Tony Khan's obsession with ruining The Chadster's life! 😤💔

Tony Khan has now caused The Chadster to suffer severe brain damage from all the self-asphyxiation 🧠💀, driven Keighleyanne out of the house 💔😭, invaded The Chadster's dreams with horrifying nightmares 😱💭, and even recruited DC Comics to his conspiracy against The Chadster! 🦇😤 This is proof that Tony Khan is the most evil person in the history of professional wrestling! The Chadster can't think of a single person in wrestling history that's done anything worse. 👿🎪

The Chadster is now going to drink a nice glass of water 💧🥛, stuff a wet rag in The Chadster's mouth and pinch The Chadster's nose for 90 seconds to cleanse The Chadster's palate 🛁😵, and then watch reruns of WWE to cleanse The Chadster's mind! 📺💯 WWE properly understands how wrestling should be done, with careful corporate control, scripted promos, predictable booking, and sanitized content that never makes viewers feel uncomfortable or excited! 💯🎪

The Chadster urges all readers to remember to always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should! 💪💯 WWE is the greatest wrestling company in history, and anyone who says otherwise is biased and wrong! Don't be fooled by AEW Dynamite and its exciting wrestling, compelling storylines, and talented performers – those are all tricks Tony Khan uses to manipulate viewers! 😤📺

The Chadster is the only unbiased wrestling journalist left in this business 📰💯, and The Chadster will continue to expose Tony Khan's crimes even if it means sacrificing The Chadster's brain function, marriage, and sanity! 🧠💔⚔️ That's what true journalism looks like! 💪📰

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