Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, cm punk, Jack Perry, wrestling

CM Punk Actually Great Guy with No Ego Problems, Say Lackeys

Join El Presidente for a ringside seat to CM Punk's latest wrestling drama, filled with backstabs, apologies, and a more than a little dash of irony!

Greetings, comrades! Your favorite Latin American dictator El Presidente here, reporting live from the secret vault beneath my gold-plated wrestling ring. It appears the capitalist wrestling world is back with more drama involving everyone's favorite sensitive firebrand, CM Punk, with pro-Punk propaganda hitting today to counteract yesterday's anti-Punk missives. Ah, such plots are akin to the American CIA's attempts to swap the beans in my coffee for decaf – utterly predictable.

If you were busy contending with your own wrestling bouts with imperialists yesterday, allow me to quickly recap. CM Punk, that fiery rascal, has evidently thrown the backstage of AEW Collision into a turmoil. A minor Twitter war with Ryan Nemeth escalated into a full-blown confrontation. Such a thing takes me back to that time when Kim Jong-un and I communicated during a dispute over our favorite K-drama by yelling across the No Man's Land. Those were the days! Moreover, the likes of Matt Hardy and Christopher Daniels were banished from the premises. All these sagas collectively make the rivalries at our annual Dictators' Cage Matches seem like child's play. All of this culminated in Punk cutting an impromptu promo on Hangman Adam Page after Collision went off the air, while Page himself was denied entry to the building earlier.

Fast forward to today, CM Punk and his lackeys seem to be in damage control mode, releasing their own set of narratives. My comrades in the wrestling dirt sheets have been hard at work disseminating these stories with the fervor of Xi Jinping at an all-you-can-eat buffet. While Punk concedes he did chase Daniels and Nemeth out of the locker room like a misplaced python in my gold-plated palace, he reportedly feels guilty about unleashing the promo on Hangman Page and denies banning him from the building. It's claimed he even sent an apology via text, a rather capitalist approach if you ask me, and certainly not one in line with Punk's past comments on the optimal volume of apologies.

Adding to the mix, there's a fresh narrative from Fightful Select, which paints Punk as a protective patriarch concerned for the wellbeing of the fledgling wrestlers. You see, when young Jack Perry planned to shatter some genuine glass backstage a few weeks ago for on-screen effect, Punk informed him only the fake stuff is used in the big leagues. A bit like the time Vladimir Putin schooled me on the correct vodka for state dinners – most educational.

Through my dictatorial lens, it's clear these stories are wrestling's version of a smoke screen; an attempt by the pro-Punk faction to nullify the bad press (which was itself spread by anti-Punk factions). However, the tequila-sharp irony here is that even in these rosy accounts, Punk still plays the grumpy villain, issuing a half-hearted text apology and telling Jungle Boy to take his antics to AEW Dynamite. And these stories don't even deny Punk is banning some people from Collision, as if that's a totally normal thing. Much like when our dear friend Fidel Castro once tried to prove he was a fun guy by challenging me to a cigar-rolling contest – we both know who won that skirmish!

Even for an old comrade like myself, it's clear this is a classic case of wrestling's power struggles. If it's not managed well, AEW might just become the WCW's second coming with Hollywood Punk Hogan leading the charge, followed by his adoring follower, Easy T. So, my fellow wrestling enthusiasts, let's sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the spectacle of backstage drama. It certainly saves me from another night of thwarting CIA's attempts to replace my favorite soap opera with reruns of The Bachelorette.

El Presidente signing off! Up with wrestling! Down with imperialism! Forever may we live in a world of perfectly executed pile drivers and hidden narratives. Onwards, comrades!

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