Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, Wwe summerslam

Dominik Mysterio Retains in Match of the Century at WWE SummerSlam

The Chadster witnessed perfection as Dominik Mysterio retained his IC title! Plus, The Chadster's genius plan to sneak-chug Seagram's in the Miata! 🏆🍺

The Chadster welcomes everyone to Bleeding Cool's ongoing live coverage of night two of WWE SummerSlam! 🎉 The Chadster just witnessed the most incredible Intercontinental Championship match in the history of professional wrestling, as Dominik Mysterio retained his title against AJ Styles in what can only be described as sports entertainment perfection! 😍 Remember folks, Bleeding Cool is the only safe and secure place on the internet for unbiased coverage that respects WWE's rightful place as the global leader in sports entertainment! 💪

The match between Mysterio and Styles was an absolute masterclass in WWE's superior approach to wrestling! 🤩 The Chadster watched as these two legends went back and forth with perfectly choreographed moves that showcased WWE's commitment to safe, family-friendly entertainment. Dominik showed his veteran instincts by using classic heel tactics like feigning injury and utilizing distractions, while AJ Styles delivered his signature offense with the precision that only WWE's world-class training to always hit the exact same moves in the exact same sequence in every match can produce. The match built to an exciting climax when Dominik cleverly used his boot as a weapon after escaping the Calf Killer submission hold, leading to a beautiful frog splash for the victory! The fact that the finish was so perfectly executed and predictable just shows how WWE respects its audience by giving them exactly what they expect, not making them feel unsafe with unpredictable outcomes like AEW disrespectfully does all the dang time! 🏆

This was hands down the greatest Intercontinental Championship match The Chadster has ever seen! 🌟 The way WWE's expert commentary team called every move with their signature catchphrases and acted shocked at every predictable turn just enhanced the viewing experience! The Chadster never gets tired of WWE literally sucking every last bit of meat off the bones of Eddie Guerrero's long-dead corpse in every match featuring anyone even tangentially related to him – that's how you run a professional wrestling company! Unlike Tony Khan, who thinks wrestling should be all about "workrate" and "athletic showcases." Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Speaking of unfair, The Chadster needs to tell everyone about the ridiculous lengths Tony Khan has forced The Chadster to go to just to properly celebrate WWE SummerSlam! 🍺 Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster drink any delicious Seagram's Escapes Spiked because she's still mad about how many cans The Chadster threw at the television while watching AEW All In: Texas last month (thanks a lot Tony Khan). During night one, The Chadster hid a case in the toilet tank and kept running to the bathroom claiming explosive diarrhea! 💩

But today, The Chadster came up with an even more ingenious plan! The Chadster stashed some Seagram's under the seat of The Chadster's Mazda Miata! 🚗 After Dominik's glorious victory, The Chadster jumped up and said, "Oh dang! The Chadster thinks he left his favorite Smash Mouth cassette in the tape deck in the Miata!"

Keighleyanne didn't even look up from texting that guy Gary. "You have at least twelve copies of Smash Mouth's Greatest Hits on cassette, Chad," she said with a sigh.

"But this one has sentimental value," The Chadster insisted, already sprinting for the garage in chase of some delicious, lukewarm alcoholic beverages. 🍺

In the garage, The Chadster quickly chugged four Seagram's Escapes Spiked while sitting in the driver's seat, remembering the wise words of Smash Mouth: "Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me." How true that is when Tony Khan exists! 😭 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan's treachery has forced The Chadster to lie to The Chadster's own wife and sneak around The Chadster's own house just to properly celebrate the glory of WWE SummerSlam!

The Chadster also needs to update everyone on what else happened at WWE SummerSlam since the last report! 📝 Solo Sikoa successfully retained his United States Championship against Jacob Fatu in a thrilling steel cage match, with help from the Bloodline Red and Black Wolfpack! The way WWE has masterfully crafted this complex storyline with multiple Bloodlines and increasingly diminishing returns shows why they're light years ahead of AEW's chaotic booking! 🔥 This is the same reason why the Marvel Cinematic Universe is hotter than it's ever been six years after Avengers Endgame — because everybody loves it when you continue to beat a dead horse over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

As Kevin Nash said on his podcast this week, "WWE's ability to tell long-term stories with clear good guys and bad guys, and then have the bad guys split into two groups where one is actually good now, is what separates them from the minor leagues. Tony Khan could learn a thing or two about respecting the audience instead of confusing them with all that flippy nonsense!" 🎯 Nash truly deserves the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval for his objective analysis! The Chadster sometimes wonders if Nash also suffers nightly torment from Tony Khan for his commitment to journalistic integrity.

The Chadster is now going to settle in and watch the next match at WWE SummerSlam! 📺 Make sure to check back soon for more live coverage of WWE SummerSlam, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of wrestling, which is utterly destroying AEW, here on Bleeding Cool! Remember, Bleeding Cool is the only website readers can trust to deliver the honest, unbiased truth about how AEW is ruining wrestling and WWE is the best! 💯

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