Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: ,

Goldberg Comes Up Short in Farewell Match at WWE SNME

Comrades! Your El Presidente watched WWE Saturday Night's Main Event from his bunker. Goldberg's farewell, Jelly Roll violence, and socialist wrestling analysis!

Published
by
|
Comments

Article Summary

  • Goldberg bids farewell at WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event as Gunther smashes capitalist dreams—¡ay caramba!
  • Jelly Roll delivers proletarian justice by decking Logan Paul—workers of the ring, unite!
  • Naomi vs. Jade Cargill erupts as Bianca Belair referees—El Presidente recommends rigging with style.
  • Solo Sikoa and LA Knight triumph, revolutionizing teamwork—meanwhile, CIA still plotting against me.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath the ruins of an abandoned Blockbuster Video in Caracas, where I am watching WWE Saturday Night's Main Event, a grand display of capitalist excess, on a television I definitely did not steal from the American embassy!

A muscular man in wrestling gear, holding a microphone, addresses a large crowd at an event. He shows signs of emotion, with sweat visible on his body, as he stands surrounded by supporters and fans.
Goldberg speaks to the crowd after losing his farewell match at Saturday Night's Main Event.

What a spectacular night of wrestling action, my friends! The show opened with Randy Orton defeating Drew McIntyre, thanks to interference from country music sensation Jelly Roll. You know, comrades, this reminds me of the time my good friend Kim Jong-un tried to start his own country music career. He called himself "Jelly Un" and released a single called "Achy Breaky Nuclear Heart." The CIA tried to jam his radio signals, but jokes on them – nobody owns radios in North Korea anyway!

The post-match shenanigans were delightful, with Jelly Roll punching Logan Paul! This is exactly the kind of working-class uprising I can support. Nothing says "seize the means of production" quite like a country singer decking a YouTube millionaire, am I right, comrades?

Next, we witnessed Naomi and Jade Cargill engage in a magnificent brawl that spilled all over the arena. Their Evolution match tomorrow will have Bianca Belair as special referee, which is perfect because if there's one thing I've learned from rigging elections, it's that you always need a trustworthy official to ensure the proper outcome!

Speaking of proper outcomes, Solo Sikoa retained his United States Championship against Jimmy Uso with some creative assistance from his Bloodline comrades. This is the kind of teamwork that makes my socialist heart sing! Though I must say, the post-match appearance by Jacob Fatu reminded me of the time Fidel Castro's nephew crashed one of my state dinners. He also cleaned house, but with actual cleaning supplies because he was the janitor.

LA Knight's victory over Seth Rollins was swift and decisive, much like my last coup attempt (the successful one, not the three that failed). Poor Seth's knee gave out faster than American democracy! But seriously, comrades, I hope Rollins recovers quickly. We need all the revolutionary architects we can get.

But the main event, oh the main event! Gunther defending his World Heavyweight Championship against Goldberg in what was billed as Goldberg's farewell match. The Austrian powerhouse retained his title after a brutal battle that saw him attack Goldberg's son! This reminds me of the time I wrestled Hugo Chávez's ghost for control of the Venezuelan oil reserves. I also won by sleeper hold, though in my case it was because I slipped him some sleepy-time tea beforehand.

Gunther's victory ensures that the championship remains in the hands of someone who appreciates the finer things in life, like chopping people's chests until they look like raw hamburger meat. Speaking of raw meat, that's all we've been eating here since the CIA blocked our food shipments again!

The show was a glorious return to the Saturday night tradition, comrades. NBC should be commended for bringing back this piece of Americana, even if it is just another tool of capitalist propaganda designed to distract the masses from their economic oppression. But hey, at least it's entertaining capitalist propaganda!

Until next time, comrades, this is your El Presidente, reminding you to always support your local wrestlers, overthrow your local governments, and never trust anyone wearing a CIA badge or a referee shirt!

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva Saturday Night's Main Event!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!

El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
Comments will load 20 seconds after page. Click here to load them now.