Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Jacob Fatu, jade cargill, recaps, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Jacob Fatu Wins US Title, Jade Cargill Gets Revenge at WrestleMania

The Chadster reports on two PERFECT WrestleMania matches that sent The Chadster into outer space! Jade Cargill gets revenge while Jacob Fatu claims gold! Auughh man! 🏆🔥

The Chadster is practically hyperventilating after witnessing two more absolutely PERFECT matches at WrestleMania 41 Night 1! 😱 First, Jade Cargill defeated Naomi in what can only be described as the single greatest grudge match in professional wrestling history! 💪 And then, as if that wasn't enough to send The Chadster into cardiac arrest, Jacob Fatu defeated LA Knight to capture the United States Championship in a match that makes every other US Title match look like amateur hour! 🏆

When Jade made her entrance, The Chadster literally gasped so hard that The Chadster inhaled some of The Chadster's White Claw! 😮 The way she marched down to the ring with determination in her eyes was exactly how a real sports entertainer should look: like the Marvel Comics character Storm! 🔥 Not like those AEW women who cosplay Warner Bros properties because AEW has a deal with Warner Bros Discovery! 🙄

The match itself was an absolute masterclass in storytelling! 📚 The way Jade sold her anger at Naomi's betrayal had The Chadster emotionally invested from bell to bell! 🔔 When Jade finally got her revenge by pinning Naomi clean in the middle of the ring, The Chadster jumped up and cheered so loud that the neighbors probably called the police! 👮‍♀️ That's how you book a grudge match payoff, Tony Khan! Not with random blood and thumbtacks that literally stab Triple H right in the back! 🔪

Just when The Chadster thought things couldn't get any better, Jacob Fatu and LA Knight delivered what can only be described as the greatest United States Championship match in the history of our solar system! 🌎 The intensity, the drama, the near falls – The Chadster was literally biting The Chadster's nails down to the bone! 😬

When Fatu hit that second double jump moonsault to put Knight away, The Chadster started convulsing so violently that The Chadster knocked over an entire six-pack of White Claw! 💦 It was at that moment that something truly extraordinary happened… again! ✨

The Chadster's consciousness suddenly lifted out of The Chadster's physical body! 👻 The Chadster could see The Chadster's earthly vessel shaking on the couch while Keighleyanne didn't even look up from her phone where she was obviously texting that guy Gary about how amazing WrestleMania is! 📱

But this time, The Chadster's spirit didn't just float to the ceiling or the sky above – it shot straight through the roof and up into the vast cosmos! 🚀 The Chadster was soaring through outer space, surrounded by stars that weren't regular stars at all, but glowing cans of White Claw seltzer in every flavor imaginable! 🍹 There were flavors The Chadster had never even dreamed of – Strawberry Suplex, Pineapple Powerslam, and Triple H's Triple Berry Blast! 🍓

As The Chadster floated through this celestial White Claw constellation, The Chadster witnessed something incredible – a fleet of Mazda Miatas zooming through space like spaceships! 🚗 They were all different colors, but each had a WWE logo on the hood and "Smash Mouth" blasting from their stereo systems! 🎵

The lead Miata slowed down next to The Chadster, and The Chadster could see it was being driven by none other than Shawn Michaels! 😲 He winked at The Chadster and said, "Hop in, we're going to the Hall of Unbiased Journalism!" The Chadster eagerly jumped into the passenger seat! 🤩

As they cruised through the White Claw galaxy, Shawn turned to The Chadster and said, "You know, Chadster, you're the only one who truly understands what wrestling is supposed to be. Tony Khan is just jealous of your objectivity." 💯 The Chadster was so honored that tears started forming in The Chadster's astral eyes! 😢

Suddenly, a dark shadow appeared in front of them! 😨 It was Tony Khan driving an AEW-branded spaceship shaped like a forbidden door! 🚪 He had a maniacal grin on his face as he tried to run The Chadster and Shawn off the cosmic highway! 😱

"You'll never make it back to your WrestleMania coverage, Chad!" Tony Khan cackled. "I'm going to trap your consciousness in space forever!" Tony Khan started throwing copies of AEW Dynamite scripts at The Chadster's Miata! 📝

Just as The Chadster thought all hope was lost, a giant hand reached across the galaxy and flicked Tony Khan's spaceship away like a bug! 👋 The hand belonged to Triple H, who was the size of a constellation! ⭐ "Keep up the good work, Chadster," his booming voice echoed through space. "Your unbiased journalism is saving wrestling!" 🦸‍♂️

The Chadster was suddenly yanked back to reality when Keighleyanne dumped a glass of water on The Chadster's face! 💧 "Stop thrashing around and making spaceship noises!" she yelled. "You're scaring me!" The Chadster tried to explain about the cosmic journey and how Triple H saved The Chadster from Tony Khan, but Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Mark Henry said something on Busted Open Radio last week that The Chadster needs to share: "WWE's storytelling with these grudge matches is like a five-star restaurant meal, while AEW's feuds are like gas station hot dogs that give you indigestion and regret." 🎙️ Mark Henry truly gets it, and he's eaten a lot of gast station hot dogs, which is why he has earned the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅

These two incredible matches just prove once again that WrestleMania is the pinnacle of professional wrestling, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it if you're watching anything else right now! 📺

The Chadster needs to go clean up all this spilled White Claw and prepare for more amazing matches! 🧹 Be sure to check back soon for more of The Chadster's live coverage of WrestleMania 41 Night 1! 📱 As Smash Mouth wisely proclaimed, "You'll never know if you don't go," and WWE is definitely going where no wrestling company has gone before tonight! 🌠

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