Senate Democrats Pave Way for Donald Trump to Return to White House

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, bringing you the most spuriously wrestling-related news of the day. It looks like all the handwringing by Democrats over Republican attempts to overturn the results of the 2020 election were completely pointless as President Joe Biden and Senate Democrats have themselves agreed to hand the presidency back to WWE Hall-of-Famer Donald Trump in 2024, if he wants it, and to hand control of Congress back to Republicans in 2022. To appease Republican fart-sniffing Senate Democrats like Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, Biden and Senate leadership have agreed to not only remove a raise to the federal minimum wage, which hasn't increased since 2007, but also to further means test the stimulus checks that Biden and other Democrats ran on delivering to the American people during the election.

Vince McMahon and Donald Trump in a storyline face-off, courtesy of WWE.
Vince McMahon and Donald Trump in a storyline face-off, courtesy of WWE.

According to new plans, stimulus checks will now phase out for individuals earning $80,000 a year and couples earning $160,000, though the $75,000/$150,000 limits will still apply for receiving the full checks. Checks previously phased out completely at an upper limit of $100,000 for individuals and $200,000 for couples, just as it did during the two previous stimulus checks sent out during the Trump administration. In other words, millions of people who received stimulus checks with Donald Trump's name on them will get nothing under Joe Biden, which seems like an obvious, preventable, self-inflicted political wound.

But if that sounds like an incredible blunder by Senate Democrats, consider this: they've given all of that up before even submitting the bill for debate in the Senate, which means Democrats' starting position in any negotiations will have already discarded some of the bill's most contentious features. That means the debate can center around further reducing benefits, such as reducing the $400 weekly unemployment subsidies to $300. Any person with even a modicum of common sense could recognize that as a poor negotiation strategy. Hell, even The Art of Deal probably wouldn't advise it, and that book was "written" by a complete moron.

This boner almost makes your El Presidente regret rigging the election for Joe Biden. What a waste of my time, comrades! But hey, on the bright side, at least Syria has gotten a good bombing. Haw haw haw haw! Of course, none of this is El Presidente's fault; you should have voted for Bernie Sanders, you dumbasses! Until next time: socialism or death.

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!