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The Onion Makes Winning Bid, New Owner of Alex Jones's InfoWars

The Onion made it official (and it's no joke). The satirical site won a bankruptcy auction bid and is now the owner of Alex Jones's InfoWars.

Published Thu, 14 Nov 2024 10:35:09 -0600

by Ray Flook

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Did we have to double and triple-check this news story to make sure it was true? Yes, but you can't blame us. The Onion has this uncanny way of not only satirically dissecting the here-and-now in a way that blurs the lines but also having this creepy ability to make calls on things we never thought would become reality – until they do. But it's true – The Onion won a bidding war for the assets connected with Alex Jones's InfoWars, which Jones was forced to sell off after being on the losing end of a defamation judgment to the tune of $1.4 billion when he was sued by families of the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting after claiming that the 2012 massacre was a hoax that was arranged in advance.

"The Onion's goal with the acquisition is to end Infowars' relentless barrage of disinformation for the sake of selling supplements and replace it with The Onion's relentless barrage of humor for good," the satirical site noted in a statement. Recently acquired earlier this year by Global Tetrahedron (a "firm" made up by Jeff Lawson, Ben Collins, Leila Brillson, and Danielle Strle), The Onion has made its voice heard in the past when it comes to the issue of school shootings and the nation's lack of realistic response to them, with its "No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens" post appearing with each tragedy as a stark reminded of how little we're doing to protect our children. "We hope the Sandy Hook families will be able to marvel at the cosmic joke we will soon make of Infowars.com," The Onion CEO Collins added, with early plans in play to relaunch Infowars in January 2025 as another satirical site.

Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder posted a message to the megacorporation's shareholders and to The Onion readers explaining why buying InfoWars was the best long-term investment for the company (again, satire). "Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic "panic" and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can't even put a man on the Moon," Tetraeder explained.

While more detailed plans on what will happen with InfoWars will be detailed "in due time," Tetraeder did offer some insights into its immediate future. "What's next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories," the CEO wrote. "As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO's life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal."

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