Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Breath Death, wrestling, Wwe summerslam

WWE Partners with Breath Death to Combat Wrestling Fans' Poor Hygiene

El Presidente reports from his bunker on WWE's minty fresh partnership with Breath Death, featuring Crystal Breth - the exploding mint revolution comrades need!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret underground bunker beneath the MetLife Stadium parking lot, where I have been hiding ever since the CIA discovered my plan to replace all the hot dog water with revolutionary socialist propaganda juice!

But enough about my latest skirmish with American intelligence agencies – we have more pressing matters to discuss! WWE has just announced a partnership with something called "Breath Death," which sounds like what happens to my enemies after they dare to criticize my glorious regime's dental care policies. Apparently, these capitalist entrepreneurs have created something called "Crystal Breth" – and before you ask, comrades, no, it is not what my good friend Kim Jong Un and I were cooking in his basement last Tuesday. That was… something else entirely.

According to the bourgeois press release, this "Crystal Breth" is an "exploding mint crystal that delivers an arctic blast of potent peppermint." Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with The American CIA, it's this: when Americans start talking about "exploding crystals," it's usually time to check your food tasters are still alive!

But seriously, comrades, this partnership between WWE and Breath Death is fascinating. As someone who once arm-wrestled Fidel Castro for the last piece of spearmint gum in all of Cuba (I let him win because he was hosting), I understand the importance of fresh breath in both diplomacy and professional wrestling. You cannot properly deliver a socialist manifesto or a wrestling promo with halitosis!

The timing of this announcement is particularly intriguing. Just last week, I was sharing a bottle of vodka with my dear friend Vladimir Putin, and he mentioned how American wrestling fans have notoriously bad breath. "El Presidente," he said while doing shirtless push-ups on a bear, "the only thing worse than American foreign policy is what happens when their wrestling fans open their mouths." Perhaps WWE has been reading our intercepted communications?

What truly captures my revolutionary spirit is the tagline: "Smell good. Fight dirty." This perfectly encapsulates my approach to governance! Just because you're overthrowing democratically elected governments doesn't mean you can't have minty-fresh breath while doing it. In fact, during the last Organization of American States meeting, I made sure to chew extra mint leaves before denouncing capitalism. The Canadian delegate even complimented my breath while condemning my human rights record!

The limited availability of these WWE x Breath Death tubes reminds me of socialist bread lines, except instead of waiting for sustenance, the proletariat will queue for premium breath freshening! Available only at the SummerSlam Superstore at American Dream (what a capitalist name!) and the MetLife Stadium Team Store, these mints will surely become as coveted as toilet paper in my nation's supermarkets.

I must admit, comrades, I am tempted to emerge from my bunker and acquire some of these revolutionary mints myself. My current breath situation has become dire – subsisting on a diet of canned beans and propaganda leaflets does not promote oral freshness. Plus, my good friend Nicolas Maduro is attending SummerSlam disguised as John Cena (don't tell anyone), and I would hate to offend him with my current bouquet of bunker breath.

The partnership makes perfect sense when you think about it. Professional wrestlers spend their time grappling in close proximity, breathing heavily into each other's faces. One can only imagine the olfactory assault that occurs during a lengthy submission hold! With Crystal Breth, wrestlers can now ensure their opponents tap out from their devastating moves, not their devastating breath.

In conclusion, comrades, while I typically advocate for the redistribution of wealth rather than the distribution of premium mints, I must applaud this capitalist venture. After all, fresh breath is a human right – or at least it should be according to my latest constitutional amendment! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to monitoring the CIA agents circling my bunker. They've been trying to smoke me out by wafting Cinnabon smells through the ventilation system, but jokes on them – my bunker breath has destroyed my sense of smell entirely!

Until next time, comrades, remember: In the revolution against halitosis, we must all be soldiers! Viva la breath freshness! Viva la Crystal Breth! And most importantly, viva la lucha libre!

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