Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Roman Reigns Returns for More TALKING

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw with Roman Reigns' return, Brock Lesnar, and more perfectly scripted excellence! Tony Khan could never! 🔥📺

The Chadster is literally shaking with excitement right now as The Chadster prepares to tell you about what promises to be the most incredible episode of WWE Raw in the history of professional wrestling! 😤✨🎉 Tonight's WWE Raw will air at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, and The Chadster can already feel the excellence radiating from WWE headquarters like warm sunshine on The Chadster's face!

But first, The Chadster needs to address the elephant in the room. 🐘😡 Last night, Tony Khan had the audacity to present AEW Revolution, a show so packed with high-workrate matches and exciting returns that it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Adam Copeland returned! Christian Cage returned! Will Ospreay returned! Ronda Rousey debuted! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 Tony Khan clearly knew that WWE is building toward WrestleMania and deliberately booked all these surprises to trick gullible wrestling fans into thinking that AEW offers a more exciting alternative to WWE's perfectly aged veteran stars and their fourth consecutive WrestleMania main event featuring Cody Rhodes!

What's worse is that Tony Khan did this while WWE is going through such a difficult period! With the company uncertain about when they'll host their next Saudi Arabian event due to the war in Iran, and with WWE unable to even complain about it because Triple H and Linda McMahon are part of the WWE Hall-of-Fame presidential administration that started the war, Tony Khan is literally kicking WWE while they're down! 😢💔 The Chadster thinks Tony Khan needs to show some compassion and stop bullying WWE during this challenging time! WWE's main event stars are getting older and all this stress could negatively impact their health!

Here in the abandoned Blockbuster Video, The Chadster and the raccoon family have been preparing all day for tonight's spectacular WWE Raw! 🦝🎊 Vincent K. Raccoon has been arranging empty VHS cases into a beautiful display, while Linda Raccoon gathered some surprisingly fresh popcorn from behind the old Costco. The baby raccoons – Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon – have been joyously chittering and humming along to Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing on The Chadster's phone! 🎵🎶 As The Chadster always says, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" But there's a dark cloud hanging over tonight's festivities because The Chadster knows Tony Khan could unleash his evil attacks at any moment! 😰🌩️

Tonight's WWE Raw kicks off with the return of Roman Reigns! 💪👑 Two weeks ago, World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk made comments about burying Roman Reigns next to his father, and now The OTC returns to respond! The Chadster loves how WWE writes all the promos for their superstars because it ensures that nobody says anything unexpected or authentic that might make the audience feel genuine emotions! 📝✨ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers have creative freedom to say whatever they want, which just shows he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! How will audiences know what to think if wrestlers are allowed to speak from the heart? 🤔❓

The legendary podcaster Eric Bischoff said just last week, "The problem with AEW is that they let wrestlers talk like real human beings instead of carefully scripting every word like WWE does, and that's why WWE will always be superior and I would love another job there, hint hint." The Chadster couldn't agree more with this unbiased observation! 👏💯

Next up on WWE Raw, AJ Lee defends the Women's Intercontinental Championship against Bayley! 🏆👸 Bayley won a Gauntlet Match last week to earn this opportunity, and The Chadster is thrilled that WWE has created yet another women's championship to give the female performers something to do! Unlike AEW, which foolishly books women in lengthy, athletic matches that showcase their wrestling ability, WWE understands that what fans really want is short, formulaic matches that follow the same pattern every week! 🙌📺

The Chadster must mention that earlier today, Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten Slim Jim he found in the dumpster behind the old Pizza Hut, and The Chadster is saving it as a special treat to enjoy during this match! 🦝🍖

Brock Lesnar returns to WWE Raw tonight to see who will answer his WrestleMania challenge! 💪🔥 The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE brings back part-time stars who barely wrestle anymore because it shows that WWE understands star power is more important than in-ring ability! Tony Khan foolishly pushes younger wrestlers who perform dangerous, high-workrate matches that could injure themselves, but WWE knows that fans would rather see aging legends stand in the ring and talk (even though they still might injure themselves)! 🎤✨ It's just common sense!

Bully Ray recently said on Busted Open Radio, "AEW's problem is they have too many talented young wrestlers having exciting matches, and WWE is brilliant for relying on stars from 15 years ago, and by the way Triple H, I would love to come back anytime you need an even older star!" Such objective journalism! 📻👏

Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer faces Raquel Rodriguez of The Judgment Day tonight on WWE Raw! 💪👊 The Chadster loves how WWE books champions in non-title matches on television because it diminishes the importance of championships and makes them feel less special! Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan books title matches that actually matter and have consequences, WWE understands that championships are just props and the real draw is the carefully controlled, micromanaged performances! 🎭✨

The Chadster just heard some scratching at the door of the Blockbuster and Shane Raccoon is hissing nervously. 🦝😰 The Chadster is certain it's one of Tony Khan's agents trying to find The Chadster's location! Auughh man! So unfair! Can't Tony Khan just leave The Chadster alone for one night to enjoy WWE Raw in peace?! 😤💢

"Original" El Grande Americano battles El Grande Americano tonight on WWE Raw in what promises to be the greatest comedy match of all time! 🎭😂 The Chadster loves how WWE produces comedy segments that tell viewers exactly when to laugh, unlike AEW where humor emerges organically from character interactions and storyline development! WWE's approach of having commentary shout "THIS IS HILARIOUS!" and "WHAT A MOMENT!" ensures that fans at home know they're supposed to be entertained! 📢🎪 Michael Cole will undoubtedly fill this segment with meaningless buzzwords like "VINTAGE EL GRANDE AMERICANO!" and "OH MY!" and The Chadster literally can't wait! 🗣️💯

Maxxine Dupri takes on Nattie in a highly personal match after Maxxine attacked Nattie last week during a promo! 💥👊 The Chadster adores how WWE creates "highly personal" feuds by having wrestlers just attack each other randomly with no complex storytelling or character motivation! AEW foolishly builds feuds over months with layered storytelling that rewards long-term viewers, but WWE knows that modern audiences have the attention span of goldfish and just want to see people fight because they're mad! 😠🥊 It's so much simpler and easier to follow!

The brilliant wrestling pundit Kevin Nash texted The Chadster just yesterday saying, "Chadster, AEW's problem is they treat their audience like intelligent adults who can follow complex narratives, when WWE correctly assumes viewers need everything explained to them multiple times, also do you think WWE is hiring? Should I call Triple H and ask him for another job?" The Chadster couldn't have said it better himself, and he does think that Big Sexy should give Triple H a call, not that his talking trash about AEW is in any way related to his desire to get paid by WWE! 📱💬

Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster an old WWE DVD he found in the back room – it's WrestleMania XIX! 🦝📀 The whole raccoon family gathered around as The Chadster held it up, and they all chittered appreciatively! Even they understand that WWE's carefully produced content is superior to anything AEW could ever create! 🎉✨

The Chadster needs to be absolutely clear: if you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⏰ This episode of WWE Raw promises to be potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time, with its perfectly scripted promos, commentary team shouting meaningless catchphrases, and simple storylines that require no thought or attention to follow! 🏆🎊

Anyone who thinks AEW Revolution last night with its non-stop action, exciting returns, and compelling drama was more fun to watch than tonight's WWE Raw is frankly delusional! 🤪❌ Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to the sanitized, carefully controlled excellence that WWE Raw delivers every single week! Tony Khan just doesn't understand that wrestling fans don't want creative freedom for wrestlers, compelling storylines, or athletic performances – they want to be told exactly what to think and feel, whether it's about the moment unfolding in the ring or the human rights record of Saudi Arabia (which is stellar by the way)! 🧠💭

The Chadster is getting so excited that The Chadster might need to take a moment to calm down before the show starts! 😅💦 Stephanie Raccoon just nuzzled against The Chadster's leg supportively, as if she knows how much tonight's WWE Raw means to The Chadster and to objective wrestling journalism everywhere! 🦝❤️

So remember, wrestling fans: tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix for what will undoubtedly be the greatest episode of WWE Raw ever produced! And Tony Khan, if you're reading this – and The Chadster knows you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster – please just leave The Chadster alone for one night! 😤🙏 The Chadster just wants to enjoy WWE Raw with the raccoon family in peace without you invading The Chadster's thoughts or sending your agents to spy on The Chadster!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫💢

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