Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: What Titles are On the Line Tonight?

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw with tag team title action, Brock Lesnar's return, and the Road to WrestleMania heating up. Viva la revolución!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret tunnel beneath the Bleeding Cool breakroom, where I am sipping my morning café con leche and reading the latest wrestling dirt sheets like the cultured revolutionary I am. The CIA has been monitoring the breakroom ever since I installed a satellite dish on the roof to get better Netflix reception, so I have taken to accessing it via an underground passage that connects to a defunct Soviet bunker. But enough about my commute — tonight is a very important episode of WWE Raw, the third-to-last stop on the Road to WrestleMania in three weeks, and El Presidente has much to discuss!

But first, comrades, I must share a rumor I encountered this morning while dunking my churro into my coffee. You see, last week on WWE SmackDown, R-Truth and Damian Priest won the tag team championships, and word on the street (via my comrades in the break room) is that this was booked as part of R-Truth's final run in WWE, which kicked off when the company tried to fire him only to be forced to bring him back due to fan backlash. That alone is enough to make El Presidente shed a single revolutionary tear. But here's the really juicy part: apparently, they didn't even tell Damian Priest, so his reaction to the win was completely genuine. Now, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that you can never truly tell who is getting worked. Are the fans getting worked by believing this story claiming that at least one of the participants in the match had no idea what the finish would be? Or has WWE's creative team become so drunk on their own supply — fueled by Netflix's WWE Unreal show documenting WWE from a backstage perspective — that they have become marks for themselves? This is the kind of psychological warfare that would make my old friend Fidel Castro proud. He once told me, "El Presidente, the greatest trick a dictator can pull is convincing the people that the revolution was their idea." And that, comrades, is exactly what Triple H has done. The man can no longer wrestle, yet he has found a way to make himself the star of the show by turning the behind-the-scenes drama into its own form of entertainment. He is the dictator who rules not from the ring, but from the gorilla position, pulling strings like a puppet master in a very expensive suit. Truly, a man after my own heart. Under socialism, of course, the means of sports entertainment production would belong to the workers — the wrestlers themselves — but I digress. I see what you're doing, Triple H. And I approve.

Now, onto tonight's card! Last week, Brock Lesnar issued a WrestleMania Open Challenge, and the man who answered was none other than Oba Femi, who hit The Beast with a Fall from Grace so devastating it registered on seismographs in three different countries. I know this because my intelligence operatives monitor seismic activity at all times — you never know when the CIA is testing underground weapons, comrades. Tonight, Lesnar returns to Raw, and the question on everyone's mind is: how will The Beast respond? If there is one thing I know about Brock Lesnar, it is that he does not take kindly to being embarrassed. This is a man who once ended The Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania. Oba Femi is an absolute specimen of a human being, the kind of man who could overthrow a small government with his bare hands — trust me, I have had nightmares about it — but poking Brock Lesnar is like poking a bear that also knows suplexes. El Presidente suspects this confrontation will set the stage for a colossal clash at WrestleMania, and I am here for every minute of it.

In what promises to be an explosive tag team championship match, Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso will defend the World Tag Team Titles against Austin Theory and Logan Paul of The Vision. Now, Paul Heyman has made it very clear that Theory and Paul need to take down The Usos, and when Paul Heyman gives you a directive, you follow it — much like when I give a directive to my cabinet, except with fewer consequences involving crocodile pits. Logan Paul is the kind of man who would absolutely thrive under a socialist regime, comrades, because he already understands the power of redistributing attention to himself at all times. But The Usos are on a different level. Jimmy and Jey have been tag team excellence personified, and taking those belts off of them on a random Monday Night Raw would be… well, it would be like the CIA successfully overthrowing your El Presidente. Theoretically possible, but not tonight, comrades. Not tonight.

Now here is a match that has my spider senses tingling, and not just because this secret tunnel is suffering from a tarantula infestation. Penta will defend the WWE Intercontinental Championship against Dominik Mysterio, and comrades, this is a match that would easily fit on the WrestleMania undercard. Two beloved competitors, a prestigious title, and enough drama between these two to fill a telenovela — which, coincidentally, is what I was watching before switching to Netflix for Raw. Comrades, O have overthrown enough governments to recognize a setup when I see one, and I strongly suspect tonight's match will end inconclusively. A disqualification here, a controversial finish there, and suddenly we have ourselves a rematch at WrestleMania. It is the oldest trick in the booking playbook, and it works every single time. My old friend Hugo Chávez used to say, "Never give the people a clean finish when you can give them a reason to tune in next week." He was talking about elections, but the principle applies.

We also have Je'Von Evans taking on Grayson Waller tonight, and if you haven't been watching Evans, comrades, you are missing out on one of the most electrifying young talents in all of professional wrestling. The man defies gravity like it personally insulted his family. Waller, meanwhile, is the kind of smug villain that even I find insufferable, and I literally have a portrait of myself in every room of my palace (and two in the guest bathroom, though one of them hides a secret passage to the swimming pool).

Additionally, the Kabuki Warriors will take on Bayley and Lyra Valkyria in a "loser has to work the WrestleMania pre-show match." Haw haw haw, just kidding, comrades! They're all working the pre-show regardless of who wins. Under socialism, every match would be on the main card, but we do not live in a perfect world. At least not yet, comrades.

With WrestleMania just around the corner on April 18th and 19th, tonight's Raw needs to deliver, and who knows what other surprises WWE has planned? The Road to WrestleMania is always full of twists and turns, much like the road to my secret underground bunker. CM Punk and Roman Reigns have already set the stage for main eventing night one of a buy-one/get-one-free extravaganza, but with three weeks to go, we can expect them to run back their dueling promos at least a few more times. And will we see more drama between Los Grandes Americanos? You can bet on it!

Tune in tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, comrades, and remember: the revolution will not be televised, but WWE Raw absolutely will be. Hasta la satisfacción, comrades!

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