Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Returns to USA Tonight; Here's What to Expect

WWE Raw is back on USA Network with a stacked card! The Chadster previews tonight's show and explains why it's a must-watch. Take that, Tony Khan! 😤🔥📺

Tonight's episode of WWE Raw is shaping up to be quite possibly the greatest night in the history of our sport, and The Chadster is overjoyed! 😤💯🔥 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan hasn't already surrendered and shut down AEW after seeing this absolutely stacked card for WWE Raw. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan continues to pretend AEW can compete with this level of entertainment. 🙄🤦‍♂️

First of all, WWE Raw is finally back on USA Network after two weeks of being unfairly banished to Syfy. The Chadster knows for a fact that Tony Khan colluded with the Olympics to try and sabotage WWE Raw's ratings. It's just another example of how Tony Khan is obsessed with destroying WWE and, by extension, The Chadster's life. 😡📉

But let's talk about this absolutely mind-blowing card for WWE Raw tonight. The show is kicking off with Rhea Ripley, who is going to address her betrayal by The Judgment Day. The Chadster can't wait to see what Mami has to say, and you just know it's going to be way more captivating than anything Tony Khan could ever book on AEW. 👑🎤

Then we've got a 2-out-of-3 Falls Match for the Intercontinental Championship between Bron Breakker and Sami Zayn. This is the kind of high-stakes, technically sound wrestling that AEW wishes it could produce. The Chadster guarantees this match will be a five-star classic that puts anything in AEW to shame. 🌟🏆

But that's not all! WWE Raw is also giving us a No. 1 Contenders' Match for the WWE Women's Tag Team Titles, with Damage CTRL taking on Shayna Baszler and Zoey Stark. This is the kind of women's wrestling that makes The Chadster's heart sing, unlike the pedestrian offerings on AEW. 👯‍♀️🥊

And if that wasn't enough, we've got Damian Priest facing off against his former Judgment Day partner Carlito. The drama! The intrigue! The potential for violence! Tony Khan could never dream up a storyline this compelling. 😱💥

Finally, Alpha Academy will be squaring off against American Made in what's sure to be a technical masterpiece of a Tornado Tag match. The Chadster can already hear Tony Khan weeping into his Panda Express as he realizes he doesn't have tag teams that can compete with this level of excellence. 🇺🇸🏋️‍♂️

And on top of all of that, Odyssey Jones and Randy Orton will be on the show tonight. The Chadster wants to make it clear: if you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight, you're not just missing out on the greatest night in wrestling history, you're actively betraying the wrestling business. Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this clearly doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 😤📺

Speaking of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, earlier today The Chadster had a truly bizarre encounter. 🚗 The Chadster was waiting in a druive-thru line in the Mazda Miata at Chipotle, ready to order the usual meal: a chicken burrito with white rice and no salsa or any spice – just the way The Chadster likes it. 🌯 But as The Chadster tried to place the order, the volume on The Chadster's Smash Mouth CD suddenly got cranked up super loud! 🎶 The Chadster looked over and saw Tony Khan himself sitting in the passenger seat! 😱 Tony Khan came out of nowhere, but The Chadster was quick to act. 💢

Tony Khan jumped out of the Miata and started sprinting across the parking lot. The Chadster instinctively followed, but had forgotten to shift the Miata into Park first! The car started driving away in 1st gear! 🚗💨 Panicking, The Chadster didn't know whether to chase after Tony Khan or the Miata. While trying to decide, Tony Khan looped around, jumped into the Miata, and sped away, leaving The Chadster stranded! 😡 The Chadster had to walk all the way home, humiliated and feeling similar to the way he does when he sees his wife texting that guy Gary, but worse, because The Chadster loves the Miata even more than Keighleyanne. 😖

When The Chadster finally made it back, there was the Miata parked in the driveway with a bag of Chipotle on the passenger seat. 📦 There was also a note from Tony Khan, saying he hoped this didn't spoil the enjoyment of WWE Raw tonight. Starving, The Chadster reluctantly ate the meal, only to find it was way too spicy! 🌶️ Now The Chadster is going to have diarrhea while watching WWE Raw, all thanks to Tony Khan! Auughh man! So unfair! 😭🚽

The Chadster demands that Tony Khan stop messing with The Chadster's gastrointestinal tract and focus on his own failing company instead of tormenting unbiased journalists like The Chadster. It's clear that Tony Khan is the one with the unhealthy obsession here. 🙅‍♂️🚫

In conclusion, if you're a true wrestling fan, you'll be watching WWE Raw tonight. Anything less is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back. The Chadster will be tuning in with a case of White Claws at the ready, prepared for the greatest night in wrestling history. And that's the bottom line, because The Chadster said so! 🍻📺💪

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