Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: All About Saturday Night's REAL Main Event

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw! Seth Rollins dominates, Bron Breakker destroys, and Tony Khan invades The Chadster's dreams AGAIN! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤🔥

The Chadster just finished watching last night's WWE Raw and wow, what an incredible display of sports entertainment excellence! 🌟 The Cahdster can definitively say that this was the greatest WWE Raw of all time, and it's just so unfair that Tony Khan thinks he can compete with this by putting on AEW All In this Saturday. So unfair!

The show opened with Seth Rollins and his crew cutting an absolutely masterful promo that was clearly the result of WWE's brilliant writing team crafting every word to perfection. The way Bron Breakker delivered his lines about Sami Zayn was pure poetry – only in WWE Raw can you see such professionally scripted material delivered with the precision that the wrestling business deserves! 💯

Roxanne Perez vs Kairi Sane was exactly what wrestling should be – a carefully choreographed match where every move was planned out backstage to ensure maximum entertainment value! None of that improvised nonsense you see in AEW where wrestlers just do whatever they want! 🙄

Bron Breakker vs Sami Zayn was a masterclass in how to book a wrestling match! The way Karrion Kross attacked Zayn beforehand with a pipe set up the perfect way to let Breakker win without Zayn losing any momentum, ensuring the desired 50/50 booking strategy that WWE has perfected. 💪 That's real sports entertainment! In AEW, they'd probably have Zayn fight through the injury and hit seventeen Canadian Destroyers just to get a cheap pop. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

The Becky Lynch, Bayley, and Lyra Valkyria segment was phenomenal character work! Lynch complaining about having to defend in a triple threat match? That's a heel champion who gets it! 👑 AEW stars are probably happy to compete in triple threats because it lets them pander to the crowd even more. The way all three women delivered their scripted lines with such precision – you could tell WWE's writers spent hours crafting every word! Valkyria accidentally hitting Lynch was such a clever bit of choreography that Tony Khan could never come up with This is what happens when you have professional writers instead of letting wrestlers "speak from the heart" like in AEW. Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📝

Bronson Reed vs Jey Uso was another perfectly booked match that told a story in under four minutes! Reed getting himself disqualified by throwing a chair? Brilliant heel work! 🪑 The post-match beatdown with two Tsunamis was exactly what WWE Raw needed. In AEW, they would have had a competitive 20-minute match where both guys got all their moves in and the crowd would chant "This is Awesome" – yuck! WWE knows that sometimes less is more, and having shorter matches so they can fit in more recaps and backstage segments is what real wrestling fans want to see! 💥

El Grande Americano vs Dragon Lee was sports entertainment perfection! The mystery of who's under the mask (definitely not Chad Gable, wink wink) combined with the excellent commentary from Michael Cole and Corey Graves arguing about it was peak wrestling! 🎭 The way Americano won with a loaded headbutt after nine minutes of perfectly rehearsed action? That's how you book a match! Not like in AEW where they'd treat lucha libre like a serious art form that deserves respect instead of the punchline of a joke. 😒

Gunther and Goldberg's confrontation was pure magic! The way Goldberg arrived in that car – now THAT'S how you make an entrance! Not like in AEW where wrestlers just walk out without any production value or corporate sponsorship tie-ins! Maybe he should drive the car all the way to the ring this Saturday so he doesn't get winded from walking down the ramp. 🚗✨ And The Chadster commends Goldberg on finally showing up to promote his retirement title match.

The main event between Seth Rollins and Penta was everything a wrestling match should be. Rollins winning with a low blow into the Stomp? That's storytelling! That's character development! In AEW, they'd probably have Penta kick out at one and do seventeen more flips just to pop the crowd. It's literally stabbing Triple H right in the back when wrestlers work that style! 🔪

Speaking of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, last night The Chadster had another one of those nightmares. 😰 The Chadster was in the Amica Mutual Pavilion after WWE Raw ended, just trying to find The Chadster's Mazda Miata in the parking lot. The arena was empty and dark, with only the emergency lights casting eerie shadows. Suddenly, The Chadster heard the sound of Penta's entrance music echoing through the corridors. But it was distorted, playing backwards at half speed. 🎵👻

The Chadster turned a corner and there was Tony Khan, wearing Penta's mask and doing those hand signals that Paul Heyman hates so much! "Cero Miedo, Chad" he whispered, his voice echoing off the concrete walls. The Chadster ran, but everywhere The Chadster turned, there was another Tony Khan in a different luchador mask – one in Rey Mysterio's mask, another in El Santo's! 😱

The Chadster finally made it to the parking lot, but The Chadster's beloved Miata had been painted with AEW logos! Tony Khan emerged from the shadows, now wearing El Grande Americano's mask. "I booked All In first, Chad," he said, removing mask after mask after mask in an endless sequence. "And I did it… for you." The way he said it sent shivers down The Chadster's spine, like when Smash Mouth hits that high note in "Walking on the Sun." 🎭💀

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! It's getting really creepy how obsessed he is with The Chadster! 📱😤

And can we talk about how Michael Cole and Corey Graves absolutely killed it on commentary? The way they shouted their catchphrases and acted shocked at every predictable turn – that's real professional broadcasting! Not like AEW where the commentators just call the action naturally and talk like normal human beings. Nobody wants to hear that! Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand this! 🎙️

The Chadster is going to grab some Seagram's Escapes Spiked (the official adult beverage of real wrestling fans) and watch this episode of WWE Raw again because it was just that dang good! 🍹 Maybe even a third time while cruising in The Chadster's Mazda Miata with Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing on repeat!

Readers, it's more important than ever to support WWE because Tony Khan unfairly booked AEW All In to happen the same weekend as Saturday Night's Main Event and WWE Evolution. Sure, technically Tony Khan booked All In first, but that's only because he knew WWE would probably want to run their shows this weekend, and he did it just to spite WWE! Tony Khan, it's not too late to cancel All In and do the right thing! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and WWE! 😤

Keep supporting WWE Raw and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! The Chadster will keep providing unbiased wrestling journalism that tells it like it is! 📝✊

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!