Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Jacob Fatu Refuses Acknowledgment, Wrecks Roman

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw, comrades! Jacob Fatu destroys Roman Reigns, Asuka bids farewell to IYO SKY, and Oba Femi kidnaps Los Garza. Viva la revolución!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gold-plated war room of my mountain fortress, where Esteban is currently reclining on a chinchilla-fur ottoman, demanding that the servants rewind his DVR while he gnaws thoughtfully on a stick of imported French bread. Last night's WWE Raw from the Food City Center in Knoxville, Tennessee delivered exactly the sort of glorious chaos that this humble dictator demands from his Monday night propaganda, comrades, and I have come down from my mountain to deliver unto you my official state-sanctioned review of WWE Raw. Sharpen your bayonets, pour yourself a stiff drink, and let us proceed!

Roman Reigns Arrives and Confronts Adam Pearce

Roman Reigns rolled into the arena and was immediately greeted by Adam Pearce, who in true bureaucratic fashion announced that he did not want Jacob Fatu in the building after Fatu attacked referees, agents, and Pearce himself at WWE Backlash. Roman, however, demanded his World Heavyweight Championship back and declared that since he brought Fatu to WWE, he alone would be the one to take Fatu out. Comrades, this is the classic dictator's dilemma — you import a weapon, the weapon becomes self-aware, and suddenly your Minister of Defense is hiding in a bunker eating cold beans. I have been there. Once, in 1994, I imported a particularly aggressive ostrich from Argentina to guard my private vineyard, and within six weeks it had pecked two generals into early retirement. Roman, my friend, you cannot un-import the ostrich.

The Vision Confronts The Street Profits and Joe Hendry

Paul Heyman opened WWE Raw with Bron Breakker, Logan Paul, and Austin Theory, praising Breakker for beating Seth Rollins at Backlash and attempting to erase Rollins from The Vision's history like a Soviet propaganda photograph. Theory and Paul mocked The Street Profits, Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins interrupted to demand the World Tag Team Championships, and then Joe Hendry arrived to lead another rousing "Can We Fire Logan Paul?" singalong. Comrades, the people's chorus has never sounded sweeter! In my country, we have a similar song, but it is about my political rivals and is legally required to be sung at all weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs.

The Street Profits & Joe Hendry vs. The Vision

The Street Profits and Joe Hendry defeated The Vision in a delightful six-man tag where Breakker tried to charge for a spear, only for Rollins to appear and intercept him, allowing Dawkins to pin Theory. Theory attacked Dawkins after the match, Rollins helped Dawkins, but Breakker speared Dawkins by mistake after Rollins gracefully sidestepped like a man dodging an unpaid tax bill. Ford then shoved Rollins for his troubles. Comrades, this is a beautiful piece of storytelling — Rollins is doing what every aspiring revolutionary does, which is "help" you in a way that mostly helps himself. I once received this exact kind of "help" from Henry Kissinger at a state dinner in 1976, and three weeks later my entire copper industry mysteriously belonged to an American conglomerate.

Dominik Mysterio and Original El Grande Americano Setup

Adam Pearce spoke backstage with Original El Grande Americano and the Credos before Dominik Mysterio and Liv Morgan interrupted. Dominik insulted Original El Grande Americano, Pearce noticed Dominik was sashaying around wearing the AAA Mega Championship, and a title match was booked on the spot. Comrades, this is excellent governance — Pearce saw a problem, found a man wearing a belt, and weaponized it within thirty seconds. He would make an excellent Minister of the Interior in my regime.

Penta and Je'Von Evans Confront Ethan Page and Rusev

Intercontinental Champion Penta called out Ethan Page for pinning him in tag action last week. Page argued that pinning the champion should make him top contender, which is the kind of logic that has gotten many a coup leader killed, comrades. Penta offered to fight on the spot, Page declined like a man checking his calendar, and then Rusev interrupted to continue his issue with Penta and Je'Von Evans. Chaos erupted, and Penta and Evans cleared the ring. Beautiful. The Bulgarian Brute lurking in the Intercontinental scene is a wonderful development — Rusev reminds me of an old KGB associate of mine who would also enter rooms by kicking the door off its hinges.

Je'Von Evans vs. Rusev

Evans defeated Rusev in a strong showcase match where Rusev manhandled the young man for most of the contest and hit the Machka Kick for a near-fall, only for Evans to survive and hit the OG Cutter for the win. Comrades, Je'Von Evans is the future, and I do not say that lightly — I have personally guaranteed the future of many young men in my country, and at least three of them are still alive! A major scalp for the young revolutionary.

Asuka Says Goodbye to IYO SKY

IYO SKY ran into Asuka backstage, where Asuka hugged IYO and told her she had been looking for a successor as senpai, and that IYO had finally become that person. IYO told Asuka they would always be family, and Asuka walked out of the arena, beginning her hiatus. Comrades, El Presidente is not crying, you are crying. Esteban is also not crying, but he did request a small handkerchief and a moment of silence. He probably just plans to eat it. This was a tender moment in a brutal business, and I salute Asuka for her service. Hurry back, Empress. The revolution awaits.

Paige and Brie Bella Respond to The Judgment Day

WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Paige and Brie Bella answered The Judgment Day's summons, which as I warned in yesterday's preview was a tactical error of the highest order. Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez insulted the champions, Liv Morgan joined the attack, and Paige and Brie were laid out in a 3-on-2 ambush. They will defend the titles next week. Comrades, I told you! I TOLD YOU! Never answer a summons without a helicopter on standby! Did Brie listen? No! Did Paige listen? No! Did Esteban listen when I gave the same advice last Tuesday? Yes, but only because he wanted more grapes.

Roman Reigns and Jimmy Uso Backstage

Jimmy Uso told Roman that maybe he should let Jacob Fatu go after Backlash, but Roman insisted that Fatu had signed a contract, made a deal, and needed to be a man of his word. Comrades, this is the dictator's eternal struggle — when your loyal underling tells you maybe you have invited the wolf into the henhouse, and you respond by saying, "No, the wolf and I have an understanding." This is also exactly what I said to Augusto Pinochet in 1989 when he asked if I trusted my new head of security. The man stole my Rolls-Royce two weeks later.

IYO SKY vs. Sol Ruca

IYO SKY defeated Sol Ruca in a quality match where Sol nearly hit the Sol Snatcher, but IYO countered into a crucifix pin. The two shared a respectful moment afterward, and then Becky Lynch appeared backstage to mock Sol for failing to beat "IYO Jannetty," which is the kind of vicious insult that should be punishable by a stern letter from the United Nations. Becky has fully unlocked her villain era, comrades, and I respect a woman who weaponizes wrestling history with such surgical precision.

Street Profits and Seth Rollins Backstage

Rollins approached The Street Profits after their win and suggested they needed to talk if they wanted to take the tag titles from The Vision. Ford reminded him of their previous arrangement to stay out of each other's way. Rollins admitted he cannot be trusted, which is the most honest thing any politician has said in decades, comrades. I once admitted to my cabinet that I could not be trusted, and they all laughed because they assumed I was joking. They were wrong.

Oba Femi Open Challenge

Oba Femi came out for his open challenge only to be told by Pearce that nobody backstage was willing to answer. Femi declared everyone a coward, then attacked Los Garza backstage and dragged Angel and Berto to the ring for a handicap match, which he won decisively with Fall From Grace. Comrades, this is the most authoritarian segment in modern wrestling television and I LOVE IT. Femi did not wait for democracy to deliver him an opponent — he selected one. He nominated one. He dragged one. Esteban stood on his hind legs and applauded. The Ruler rules.

Finn Bálor Attacks JD McDonagh

As Dominik headed toward the ring, Finn Bálor attacked JD McDonagh backstage, continuing the slow-motion implosion of The Judgment Day. Comrades, factions always eat themselves — it is the natural order. I have personally been in seven different ruling coalitions, and six of them ended with at least one person being thrown out of a helicopter. The seventh is ongoing and I am keeping an eye on my Vice President.

Dominik Mysterio vs. Original El Grande Americano for the AAA Mega Championship

Dominik retained the AAA Mega Championship over Original El Grande Americano after Los Americanos and Los Americanos Hermanos brawled into the crowd, El Grande Americano appeared on the apron as a distraction, and Dominik hit the 619 and Frog Splash. Comrades, the masked man cinematic universe has officially become more confusing than my country's tax code, and I had to bring in Christopher Nolan to explain it to Esteban over brunch. Dirty Dom continues to be the most insufferable champion in wrestling, which is precisely why he is the best champion in wrestling.

The Vision Backstage

Jackie Redmond tried to interview The Vision after their loss, but Logan Paul was furious about the "Can We Fire Logan Paul?" song and snapped at her. Theory tried to calm him down and suggested dinner. Comrades, nothing is funnier to me than a multimillionaire YouTube influencer being emotionally destroyed by a singalong. This is the kind of psychological warfare the CIA wishes it had developed. Joe Hendry, if you are reading this, I have a job for you in my Ministry of Information.

Roman Reigns' Acknowledgment Ceremony

And so we arrive at the main event of WWE Raw, comrades! Roman demanded that Knoxville acknowledge him, Jacob Fatu arrived at the arena, ignored Jey Uso's attempt to talk him down, attacked Jey backstage, attacked Jimmy, and then went after Roman in the ring. Fatu refused to acknowledge The Tribal Chief and told Roman he would have to beat the acknowledgment out of him. Fatu then hit the Tongan Death Grip, powerbombed Roman through the announce table, shoved down Pearce, posed with the World Heavyweight Championship, and wiped out Roman and The Usos through the timekeeper's barricade with a running hip attack to close WWE Raw. COMRADES! This is exactly what I predicted! I said in the preview that Jacob Fatu does not enjoy ceremonies, protocols, table service, or basic furniture safety, and the man went and destroyed ALL of these things on live television! A celebratory cannon has indeed been fired into the jungle, and somewhere a very confused jaguar is filing a complaint.

Overall, comrades, a strong episode of WWE Raw that pushed forward roughly seventeen storylines, gave us a tearful Asuka farewell, a Joe Hendry singalong, an Oba Femi kidnapping, and a main event that left the World Heavyweight Champion crumpled on the floor like a discarded peace treaty. Until next week, comrades, this is your El Presidente, signing off. Viva la lucha libre, and viva la revolución!

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