Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Early Morning Perfection Starts The Day

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw from Perth! Despite purple snake-bitten arm, The Chadster witnessed WWE's perfect formulaic brilliance crush AEW again! 🐍💪

The Chadster is writing this review from his special medical chair because The Chadster's left arm is currently three times its normal size and purple from the snake venom still coursing through The Chadster's system after Crown Jewel. 🐍💉 But you know what? Every throb of pain from slamming The Chadster's swollen arm on the coffee table while watching WWE Raw just made the show even better! That's the dedication The Chadster has to objective wrestling journalism, unlike Tony Khan who probably just sits there drinking White Claw and booking shows specifically to cheese off The Chadster. 😤

WWE Raw from Perth, Australia was absolutely perfect in every single way! The Chadster loved how the show aired bright and early in the morning, at a completely different time than usual, proving that WWE can make any time slot work because their product is so reliably consistent and formulaic! 📺✨ Tony Khan could never pull off such a feat because AEW is too chaotic and unpredictable, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it.

The opening segment with Seth Rollins and The Vision was absolutely brilliant! 🎭 The way Rollins delivered his carefully scripted lines written by WWE's team of professional television writers was pure poetry! None of that improvised, crowd-pandering nonsense you see in AEW. The Chadster slammed his purple arm on the table when Rollins called himself the greatest of all time, and the pain shot straight to The Chadster's brain, causing the release of endorphins that made the segment even better!

Dominik Mysterio defeating Penta to retain the Intercontinental Championship was exactly the right booking decision! Penta is still trying to unlearn the dangerous style he was taught since he didn't pay his dues the right way in the WWE developmental system. The Chadster loves how WWE keeps their champions strong with predictable booking that never surprises or shocks anyone. 💪 When Mysterio cheated with the timekeeper's hammer, it was done in such a safe, PG-friendly way that The Chadster knew exactly what was coming! Unlike AEW where you never know what dangerous spot they'll pull next. Auughh man! So unfair!

Rhea Ripley beating Kairi Sane in her home country was another example of WWE's brilliant predictable booking! 🇦🇺 The Chadster appreciated how the match followed the exact WWE formula – heel gets heat, face makes comeback, signature moves, finisher, victory. No unnecessary flips or dives that might actually excite the crowd in an uncontrolled way!

When Bronson Reed squashed Jimmy Uso with the Tsunami, it was exactly the kind of safe, predictable outcome that makes WWE Raw so comforting! 🌊 The Chadster knew Reed would win the moment the match was announced because WWE telegraphs everything perfectly! The way Bron Breakker came out afterward for the Super Spear attempt and Jey Uso made the save was choreographed to perfection by WWE's brilliant producers. The Chadster had to slam his venom-filled arm on the coffee table during this segment, and the pain helped The Chadster appreciate how WWE never lets storylines get too complex or unpredictable!

The tag team match with Bayley and Lyra Valkyria defeating Judgment Day was a masterclass in WWE's formulaic tag team booking! 🏆 The way Bayley snapped and went "crazy" was so perfectly scripted and controlled, unlike the actual emotional investment you might see in an AEW match. The Chadster loves how WWE can make someone "lose control" while still hitting all their marks and staying within the carefully constructed parameters of a PG rating! It's just brilliant!

The triple threat match between CM Punk, LA Knight, and Jey Uso was the epitome of WWE excellence! 🎯 Punk winning with the GTS was so wonderfully predictable – of course the biggest name would win! The Chadster appreciates how WWE Raw never takes risks by having an underdog actually win when it matters. The match followed the perfect WWE triple threat formula: one person lies outside while two wrestle, rotate participants, hit signature moves, finisher for the win. No crazy high spots or genuine surprises that might make fans feel unsafe!

But the real story of WWE Raw was that ending! 🤯🤯🤯 When Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed turned on Seth Rollins, The Chadster literally fell out of his medical chair (which hurt tremendously given The Chadster's condition). This twist rivals the ending of The Sixth Sense, the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, and Darth Vader being Luke's father all rolled into one! The way Paul Heyman looked shocked was Oscar-worthy acting that only WWE's finely-honed scripts can inspire. Of course, The Chadster has seen this coming from the moment Rollins formed the faction, and especially with all of the hints over the past week, so The Chadster wasn't made to feel unsafe at all when the twist occurred.

Kevin Nash said it best on his podcast yesterday: "The way WWE books these turns based solely on creating a 'moment' that can be replayed in video packages over and over again for years is exactly what the business needs. Tony Khan should take notes instead of letting his wrestlers have creative freedom and telling long-form stories that evolve sensibly." Nash truly deserves the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅

Throughout this entire WWE Raw, The Chadster was periodically slamming his injured arm on the coffee table, causing a rush of pain and release of endorphins that put The Chadster in exactly the right state of mind to appreciate WWE's brilliance. None of this would be necessary if not for Tony Khan's interference in The Chadster's marriage, since Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked. That is what forced The Chadster to acquire that venomous snake over the weekend and let it bite him! 🎙️ Remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne to pressure her into letting The Chadster drink again!

Speaking of Keighleyanne, The Chadster tried to explain to her how this episode of WWE Raw proved that WWE's formulaic approach is superior to AEW's chaotic style. She just sighed and went back to texting that guy Gary. She obviously agrees with The Chadster but Tony Khan has ruined The Chadster's marriage so much that she can't even express it properly! 📱😢

The Chadster is going to slam his purple, venom-filled arm on the table one more time and then watch this episode of WWE Raw again, maybe even twice more, because it was just that dang good! 🎬 The pain will help The Chadster appreciate the subtle genius of WWE's wonderfully predictable product even more!

Everyone needs to keep supporting WWE Raw and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! WWE delivers the same reliable, safe, corporate-approved product every single week, and that's exactly what real wrestling fans want! 🙌

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