Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review, or How to Deliver on Low Expectations

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's WrestleMania 42 go-home show, where video packages outnumbered matches and CM Punk and Cody Rhodes closed the night with a genuinely emotional moment.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a luxury yacht that I definitely did not seize from a fleeing oligarch, and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown — the final stop before WrestleMania 42! I must say, comrades, this go-home show was much like my administration's latest economic recovery plan: it started with a lot of filler nobody asked for, meandered through some questionable decisions in the middle, and then somehow stumbled into a halfway decent ending that everyone will now use to pretend the whole thing was good all along. WWE has set the bar so catastrophically low over the past few weeks that simply ending SmackDown with two wrestlers having a genuine moment felt like witnessing the Sistine Chapel being painted. But let us not get ahead of ourselves! Let me break down every single segment of this overstuffed show while I have nothing but time, since the International Criminal Court cancelled my hearing for the third week in a row!

The WrestleMania History Package

The show opened with a video package celebrating the legacy of WrestleMania, featuring footage from the very first event all the way to the present day, with wrestlers sharing what the event means to them. Comrades, I wept openly, though I suspect that was partly because I know that the beautiful legacy being celebrated in this package is about to be followed by a WrestleMania card featuring Jelly Roll getting RKO'd and whatever other celebrity nonsense WWE has cooked up. This is exactly how I open every state broadcast — with a montage of MY greatest accomplishments set to inspirational music, designed to distract from the absolute disaster that is about to follow. WWE and I share the same propaganda instincts!

Pat McAfee and Randy Orton Arrive in Style

Pat McAfee and Randy Orton arrived together in a truck like two frat brothers heading to a tailgate, only to be intercepted by Nick Aldis waving some kind of agreement. Orton excused himself to go cut a promo while McAfee stayed behind with Aldis, which is exactly what happens when I arrive at diplomatic summits with my entourage — I leave my people to deal with the paperwork while I go make speeches. Comrades, the fact that McAfee continues to be a central figure in the WrestleMania main event storyline is proof that WWE and I share another instinct: doubling down on decisions that nobody asked for in the first place!

Randy Orton Unleashes on Cody Rhodes

Orton took to the ring and delivered a promo where he said he does not NEED McAfee but WANTS him, blamed Cody Rhodes for damaging his legacy, and promised to win his 15th world title at WrestleMania with an RKO. Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that the most dangerous man is one who believes he has been wronged. Orton saying Cody had "no right to give him permission to be himself" is the kind of resentment I recognize intimately — it is how I feel every time the United Nations tells me I have "permission" to hold elections. Nobody gives ME permission! I take what I want! And apparently, so does Randy Orton. A decent promo, though I must note that blaming someone else for your own failures is a strategy I have employed for decades, and I can confirm it works beautifully right up until it doesn't. The problem remains that this rivalry could have been built around these two legendary careers, but instead we have had weeks of McAfee screaming and Jelly Roll getting involved, so it is hard to care as much as we should.

Later, McAfee and Orton reconvened backstage, where McAfee sat in his truck mocking fans and telling Aldis he had "put in a good word for him" before driving Orton out of the arena entirely. Comrades, leaving the building before the show is even half over is a power move I deeply respect. I once left my own inauguration ceremony forty-five minutes in because Alexander Lukashenko texted me that there was a buy-one-get-one special at the duty-free shop in Minsk. Priorities, comrades! But I cannot help feeling that McAfee driving Orton away from the arena is a metaphor for this entire storyline — McAfee has been driving the actual wrestling AWAY from the main event build for weeks!

The Wyatt Sicks vs. The MFTs — Eight-Man Tag Team Street Fight

Solo Sikoa, Tama Tonga, JC Mateo, and Talla Tonga defeated Uncle Howdy, Erick Rowan, Dexter Lumis, and Joe Gacy in a wild street fight that featured weapons, chaos, and Nikki Cross launching herself onto Tonga Loa at ringside like she was a revolutionary storming the presidential palace! Rowan appeared to hurt his leg during a tumble to the floor, which concerned me greatly — I know the pain of a leg injury, comrades, having once twisted my ankle fleeing from a coup attempt through an underground tunnel while wearing ceremonial dress boots.

The real story here was Solo stealing the pin from Tama Tonga by cutting in with the Solo Spike at the last second. The visible tension between them afterward was thicker than the fog of propaganda I release every morning through state media. This is classic dictator behavior, comrades — taking credit for someone else's work! I should know, as I once claimed personal responsibility for my country's entire coffee harvest despite never having touched a coffee plant in my life. Solo is playing a dangerous game, and Tama's lingering stare told the whole story. As my old friend Saddam Hussein once told me, "Never steal credit from the man standing behind you with a weapon." Wise words that Solo should heed! This was a perfectly fine street fight, though putting it on the go-home show rather than WrestleMania itself tells you everything about how stacked that card already is with celebrity segments.

R-Truth and Damian Priest Have a Chat

R-Truth confused Grayson Waller with Xavier Woods, talked about Danhausen cursing people, and insisted he and Damian Priest had a tag team title match later that night. Comrades, R-Truth's grasp on reality is roughly equivalent to my own grasp on my country's actual GDP numbers — completely detached, but delivered with such confidence that everyone just goes along with it. At this point, Truth is the only person in WWE who seems to be having genuine fun, and I respect that energy even if it has been the same bit for several years now.

The Miz and Maryse Wedding Renewal Goes Exactly as Expected

A pre-taped segment aired featuring The Miz and Maryse renewing their wedding vows with Kit Wilson officiating. Naturally, Danhausen appeared, declared himself the ring boy, best man, AND maid of honor, and when someone accidentally told him to "curse the bride," he did exactly that, sending Maryse face-first into the wedding cake. Comrades, WWE wedding segments have a 100% disaster rate, and yet they keep booking them, which is exactly how I feel about my own marriages. I have the divorce attorneys' bills to prove it! This reminded me of the time I renewed my own vows with my second wife (or was it my third?) and Silvio Berlusconi showed up uninvited, knocked over the cake, and somehow convinced half the wedding party to invest in a timeshare. At least Danhausen is entertaining in these segments, which is more than I can say for most of what WWE has given us in this build.

Royce Keys' Emotional Journey

A video package spotlighted Royce Keys, focusing on his family, his personal journey, and his emotions heading into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. I am not ashamed to tell you, comrades, that I shed a tear. This was genuinely well-produced, and the kind of storytelling that makes you care about someone you might not have known before. It is very similar to my own origin story, except my dream was absolute power and I achieved it by slightly less inspirational means. One of the better uses of time on a show that had a LOT of video packages competing for your attention.

Jacob Fatu Arrives in a Police Car

Jacob Fatu arrived in a police car, climbed on top of it, and cut a promo on Drew McIntyre that was dripping with intensity. Fatu said he was not ashamed of his past, said he no longer lived that life, and promised to bury McIntyre in their unsanctioned match at WrestleMania. Comrades, arriving in a police car is something I have done many times, though usually I am in the back seat and the circumstances are less voluntary. Fatu's honesty about his past while promising violence in his future is the kind of duality I live every day — I am simultaneously a man of the people AND the reason the people need to hide their valuables. This feud remains one of the few WrestleMania builds that has actually felt properly intense throughout, probably because WWE wisely kept the celebrities away from it. Funny how that works!

Damian Priest and R-Truth Retain the Tag Titles

Priest and Truth defeated Kofi Kingston and Waller to retain the WWE Tag Team Titles with a flapjack/Flatliner combination that was smoother than the excuses I give to the World Bank when they ask about missing loan payments. Kofi and Waller had their moments, but the champions were simply too much. The unlikely partnership of Priest and Truth continues to work despite making absolutely no logical sense, which, comrades, is also how I would describe my alliance with Kim Jong-un in our annual dictators' bowling league. A perfectly serviceable title defense on a go-home show, though I must wonder if anyone was truly worried about a title change here. The suspense was about as convincing as the "free and fair" elections I held last spring.

Jade Cargill and Rhea Ripley Exchange Words

Jade Cargill came to the ring with B-Fab and Michin, but Rhea Ripley interrupted and accused Jade of hiding behind backup and social media. Jade sent her entourage away and mocked Ripley as an "insecure cosplay goth kid," to which Ripley responded by calling Jade a "fake-ass, narcissistic bitch." Comrades, this exchange had more venom than the letters my ex-wives exchange through their lawyers! Ripley turning her insecurities into her identity is something I deeply relate to — I have taken my insecurity about my height and turned it into a national law requiring all official portraits to add at least four inches. That is called GROWTH, comrades! The promo itself was fine, but this feud has felt undercooked for a WrestleMania title match. Then again, when half the card is built around celebrities and worked shoot nonsense, "fine" is apparently the best we can hope for from the actual wrestling storylines.

Solo Sikoa Plays Team Leader While Tama Tonga Plots

Backstage, Solo told his group they won because they worked as a TEAM — which is rich coming from the man who literally stole the pin five minutes earlier. He told Talla to win the Battle Royal and said he would talk to Aldis about getting the tag titles back. Everyone walked off, but Tama lingered and stared at Solo with the kind of intensity I recognize from every general I have ever promoted past the point where they start thinking about replacing me. Solo, my friend, I have some advice: sleep with one eye open. I learned that lesson the hard way during the attempted coup of 2014, which my people now refer to as "The Tuesday Incident."

Tiffany Stratton Earns a Title Shot

Tiffany Stratton defeated Jordynne Grace to become the number one contender to the Women's United States Championship. Grace brought the power, but Stratton countered late with her rolling senton and the Prettiest Moonsault Ever for the clean victory while Giulia watched from ringside. Comrades, Stratton winning clean over Grace is impressive — Grace is built like one of my military tanks, and about as difficult to stop. I once arm-wrestled Vladimir Putin and lost in under two seconds, so I have great respect for anyone who can overcome a power-based opponent. A solid match on a show that needed more of them and fewer video packages.

Trick Williams, Sami Zayn, and a Gingerbread Man Walk Into a Ring

Trick Williams called out Sami Zayn for kicking Lil Yachty last week and ruining his WrestleMania entrance plans. But before Sami appeared, a Gingerbread Man mascot came out to mock Trick first, which is exactly the kind of psychological warfare I employ — I once sent a clown to deliver a subpoena to my political rival. Sami then emerged, called Trick's act "style without substance," and said Trick had bitten off more than he could chew. The two brawled, Sami knocked Trick to the floor, then turned around and absolutely OBLITERATED the Gingerbread Man with a Helluva Kick that nearly sent the poor pastry mascot into orbit!

Trick recovered, hit Sami with the Trick Shot from behind, and stood over him holding the United States Title. Comrades, this is the classic go-home show formula — the challenger stands tall on the last show so the champion can get revenge at the pay-per-view. It is the same strategy I use before elections: let the opposition think they are winning, then pull the rug out from under them with a last-minute constitutional amendment! But the real victim here was the Gingerbread Man, who did absolutely nothing wrong and received a Helluva Kick for his troubles. That poor cookie-suited individual has a family, Sami! Although I must point out that the involvement of Lil Yachty in this feud is yet another example of WWE's apparent belief that no storyline is complete without a celebrity cameo. At least Sami kicking the Gingerbread Man was genuinely funny.

Nia Jax and Lash Legend Destroy Everyone

Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss vs. Bayley and Lyra Valkyria barely got started before Nia Jax ran in and caused a no contest, with Lash Legend following to help destroy all four challengers. The champions stood tall with their titles. Comrades, this is exactly how I handle parliamentary debates — I let the opposition talk for about thirty seconds before sending in my security forces to "restore order." The Bella Twins are also in this four-way at WrestleMania, and their video package before this segment reminded everyone of that fact, though I suspect Jax and Legend would have destroyed them too if they had been present. Booking a match only to immediately throw it out is a choice, and not one that inspires confidence in the WrestleMania match it is supposed to be building toward. But what do I know? I am just a simple dictator with impeccable taste in professional wrestling!

Brock Lesnar vs. Oba Femi Gets the Video Package Treatment

A video package aired building Brock Lesnar vs. Oba Femi for WrestleMania. Comrades, this is the kind of match that needs no elaborate storyline — just two enormous, terrifying men ready to throw each other around. It reminds me of the time I watched Putin and a bear have a staring contest. The bear blinked first, but I suspect it was coerced. If you are keeping count at home, this was approximately the four hundredth video package on this episode of SmackDown. I understand that WWE has a lot of WrestleMania matches to promote, but at a certain point the show started feeling less like a wrestling program and more like a three-hour commercial interrupted by occasional wrestling. Much like my state television network, actually!

Royce Keys Wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Keys won the 2026 Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, last eliminating Talla Tonga with a spinebuster and a clothesline over the top rope. The field included Joe Hendry, Aleister Black, and Otis, among many others. Hendry got a featured entrance and a brief spotlight — because you simply MUST say his name, comrades — before Black sent him packing. The final four of Black, Otis, Talla, and Keys made for decent television, and Keys' victory felt earned after that emotional video package earlier in the night. As battle royals go, it did its job, though the Andre trophy has about as much prestige at this point as the medals I hand out at my annual "Citizens Who Clapped The Loudest During My Speech" ceremony.

I must give special attention to Hendry's appearance, because any man whose entrance requires the entire arena to sing his name is a man after my own heart. I have a similar policy in my country where all citizens must chant my name when I enter a room, though compliance has dropped to about 60% in recent months. Hendry's elimination was too early for my taste, but I trust his time will come — much like my eventual vindication at the International Criminal Court!

CM Punk and Cody Rhodes Close the Show

And finally, comrades, we arrive at the closing segment, which I must admit was the one part of this entire SmackDown that made me feel something other than mild indifference and snack cravings. Cody Rhodes came to the ring and addressed his WrestleMania match with Orton, rejecting the idea that anyone was sabotaging him and saying Orton had never taken responsibility for his own actions. Then CM Punk interrupted, told Cody he did not need his advice anymore, and told him to focus on Randy.

What followed was the kind of moment that reminded me why I fell in love with professional wrestling in the first place, back when I was a young revolutionary hiding from government forces in a basement with nothing but a transistor radio and a dream of one day overthrowing the state. Cody praised Punk's career, his comeback, and his standing as one of the all-time WrestleMania main eventers. He said Dusty Rhodes would be proud of him. They hugged. Punk said he was not trying to cry on a Friday night and would save that for Sunday after beating Roman Reigns. They celebrated with the crowd to close the show, and I sat on my yacht openly weeping while my bodyguards pretended not to notice.

Now, comrades, I must be honest with you, because unlike my official government statistics, I believe in transparency when it comes to professional wrestling criticism. This closing segment was genuinely good. Two real wrestlers, with real history, sharing a real moment. No celebrities. No worked shoot confusion. No Pat McAfee doing a Macho Man impression. Just Cody and Punk. And the fact that THIS is what it takes for me to feel positive about SmackDown — two men simply talking to each other like human beings — tells you everything about how badly the WrestleMania 42 build has gone. When the bar is buried six feet underground, even lifting it to ankle height feels like a triumph. It was the professional wrestling equivalent of when Fidel Castro and I shared a cigar on the beach at sunset and he told me, "You know, for a dictator, you are not completely terrible." That is not exactly high praise, but after weeks of being told I am the worst, I will take it!

Overall, this episode of WWE SmackDown was a go-home show that reflected the exact state of the WrestleMania 42 build: a few genuinely compelling feuds (Fatu vs. McIntyre, Punk vs. Reigns) buried under an avalanche of video packages, celebrity-adjacent storylines, and segments that went nowhere (rest in peace, women's tag match that lasted forty-five seconds). The show had more video packages than actual matches, more filler than substance, and relied on a single emotional closing segment to paper over two-plus hours of largely forgettable television. The Fatu promo had fire, the street fight had chaos, the Keys win had heart, and the Punk/Cody segment had soul — but those highlights were separated by vast stretches of content that felt like it was designed to fill time rather than build anticipation.

Comrades, WWE has managed to take one of the most stacked rosters in the history of professional wrestling and build a WrestleMania that has fans more excited about the 25% ticket discounts than the actual matches. That takes a special kind of talent — the same kind of talent I employ when turning a prosperous nation into an economic cautionary tale! But I will still watch every second of WrestleMania 42 this weekend, because I am nothing if not loyal to my addictions. I have arranged for the show to be broadcast on every television in my country (whether the citizens want it or not — I have disabled all other channels), and I will be viewing from my private island resort while being fanned with palm fronds by my cabinet members!

Will WrestleMania somehow exceed these basement-level expectations? Or will it be the celebrity-stuffed disaster that everyone fears? Either way, comrades, I will be here to tell you all about it, assuming my yacht does not get repossessed by the international banking consortium before Sunday!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva surviving until WrestleMania!

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